My short hiatus is officially over.
I needed a break over the holiday like I have never felt before.
As soon as I finished my last final of the year, I closed my laptop and didn’t open it again until this past weekend. I craved silence from school and work demands and knew I needed to shut it all down; for both my sanity and health.
I admit, my first few weeks after learning we were successful with our IVF cycle felt a bit strange. Almost as if I didn’t belong anywhere. I wanted to embrace my pregnancy with open arms and joy and yet all my past disappointments and hurts blurred the lines. I was happy- but didn’t want to feel “too happy” and I wanted to shout my long awaited news from the roof tops and yet at the same time I didn’t want to tell a soul just in case I jinxed my pregnancy- and is that even a thing?
What I have come to discover is that infertility robs us of something in our soul even after we become pregnant. The pure and innocent joy of pregnancy isn’t processed the same way for those that have struggled with infertility. We are pregnant and yet still feel raw from the other side that is nipping at our heels and fear inches its way in and is difficult to overcome despite our dreams finally coming true.
Even after our second ultrasound, when our OB announced that everything looked perfect and that based on everything he saw our chance of miscarriage decreased to 3%, I still wasn’t feeling any better. Thankfully a few days later I forced myself to snap out of my reluctant and fear based fog.
Embracing this pregnancy was what I had forgotten to do. I was still stuck in this strange place of disappointment and failure and yet I had a being growing inside me with a heartbeat and all. I decided that no matter what happened during this pregnancy, I needed to govern that which I had control of; my emotional personal response to finally becoming pregnant after three long years of struggling to conceive. I began to embrace this little miracle inside me a few days before Christmas and joy overcame the fear. I felt as though I was opening the curtains of an old log cabin to let the sun shine through for the first time in years. I felt the warmth and allowed myself to be in the moment with this being (our child) growing inside my womb. I’ve since been much more relaxed and open to this side of the journey; pregnancy after infertility. Some days are harder than others, and that is when I kindly remind myself to embrace this experience and feel the joy that is flowing inside me.
Today I am 10 weeks and three days pregnant. Tears fill my eyes as I look at my most recent ultrasound picture that I am proudly displaying on my fridge; our little one is beginning to look like an actual baby now, her little arm is sticking up as if waiving to us all.
Joy.
Pure joy.
ksirahsirah 
Beautifully written, Sarah!
Thanks Marilyn- hope you are feeling well!
Beautiful. And so true. Pregnancy after infertility…. It was supposed to all go away- those fears, that worry, the heart ache…. But it sort of lingers. I’m glad you’ve found joy in this pregnancy. It’s SUCH a miracle. A complete blessing :). I hope you’re feeling well! XOXO
Oh Aubrey- yes the fears were really getting to me.. It is such a miracle. A few rough weeks, but no complaints. Hope you are nearing the end of your ms…second tri yet?
It takes time, but it does get easier… At least it did for me. When you start to feel your little one moving it is a constant reminder that things are ok 😊 I wish you joy and peace as your pregnancy progresses
Missrain, Thank you so much.. what a wonderful vision to think of this little one to begin moving around. I will really like the daily comfort.
I understand this all too well! Especially the part about good days and bad days.
I think I am FINALLY getting to the point of pure joy, here at 17 weeks. But still I hear those voices. “Don’t buy anything, what if…”, “watch it, you’re getting too happy” It sucks. But we WILL get there. And it is beautiful. And we owe it to ourselves to be present and uninhibited throughout our pregnancies!!!
Jonsie13- love what you wrote “And we owe it to ourselves to be present and uninhibited throughout our pregnancies!!!” amen. You are so right – we do owe it to ourselves. Haven’t let myself buy anything baby quite yet..but hubby gave me a little pair of pink infant booties for Christmas and I about lost it- tears streaming and all. Hope you are enjoying 17 weeks!
It wasn’t until I officially was in the 2nd trimester that I started letting myself be excited, so I definitely understand what you mean. I hope things continue to progress well for you and your little one!!
Megan, thank you for your kind words.. 2nd trimester seems to be the transitional period, I am ready. 🙂
I saw this come through on my email today but didn’t have a chance to read it until just now.
It is absolutely beautiful and made tears of joy and happiness for you fall down my cheeks.
Your journey will inspire, encourage and bring comfort to many other women in your life… As painful and lonely as it has felt, it has no doubt shaped the amazing woman you are and the gifts you will share with others stemmed from your own understanding.
I love you and am SO happy for you!!!!
Melissa
Sent from my iPad
>
Thank you sister! You helped bring me out of my ‘fog’- love you!
Yes! Embrace it! It’s so hard to enjoy pregnancy after everything we go through to achieve it and everything we know all too well can go wrong. Nine weeks was sort of a turning point for me, and as others have said, feeling movement is a huge comfort! I can’t wait for you to get to experience that joy!
awww- yes the joy of feeling the baby move is the next milestone of this pregnancy that I am looking forward to. Hope you are well Daryl!
I know what you mean, even though I have a long ways to get to where you are. But I already know that when I finally get pregnant by whatever means, I’ll have those same mixed emotions – emotionally scarred not just by the IF struggle itself but the casualties along the way: estranged family members, destroyed friendships, a loss of faith and belief in myself as a woman and a wife.
Alex- I completely know how you are feeling.. Infertility goes deeper and wider than just “not being able to conceive” I too have lost friendships and have had days of not feeling worthy of being a woman or a wife. Hang in there friend, hope and faith is all we have.
It’s really terrible – and completely underestimated. I mean, I wasn’t even one of those women who always dreamed of getting married and having babies AT ALL. But now, the thought of not being able to have children at all, or only at great cost – and even then possibly no biological children with the man I love? It’s quite possibly the biggest heartache I’ve ever had to endure…
I just saw this Sarah… I am so very happy for you :)) Wishing you a beautifully boring pregnancy… lots of love and hugs!!
Thank you my dear!!!