Pre-IVF Consult

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Quick update:

I had my second pre IVF consultation this past week and it looks like we will officially begin our IVF cycle mid October (the cycle after next)!

To summarize both consultations simply:

~My AMH went up to 1.26 from .48 in just seven months-my RE is very happy with the increase! (So am I)

~I will be put on the most aggressive protocol there is due to my DOR diagnosis.

~After my mock transfer I have been coined with an “easy” uterus to work with.

~RE wants to rule out Fragile X gene with a blood test this next coming week.

~ Lastly my husband and I were instructed to start practicing giving injections and were each given needles
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He is to practice on an orange and I a pillow.

This is beginning to feel very real to me.

Atlas I feel like this is finally our time.

Correlation Between Petite Women and Low Ovarian Reserve?

It’s been a few weeks now since my last post, and almost a month since my hysteroscopy surgery for polypectomy removal. My husband and I had our follow-up “post op” appointment three weeks ago today and I am still processing the words that were said…

The appointment was to review the success of my surgery, but mainly the premise was to discuss our next steps medically toward baby.

Our RE explained that he wouldn’t be an upstanding doctor if he didn’t relay his concerns at this point relating to the recent tests that I had done this past October. Everything had been on hold since the surgery, and this appointment was the day that everything was brought out on the table:

He reviewed his three red flags, as he called them:

~ AMH results (low)
~Antrofollicle count (low)
~FSH levels (high)

He went on to explain his rightful concerns with my remaining ovarian reserve, and for the first time-his concerns with the amount of time we have left for conceiving. He even said that if five RE’s reviewed my same test results that at least one of them would tell me to go straight to egg donation!

Huh? Blink! Gasp!

He went on, trying to comfort me, arguing that with my fluctuation of test results in the past two years coupled with my ability to conceive naturally even if it was only once (although miscarried) and my age 32-that he truly believes that I have a good fighting chance to conceive with my own eggs. He reminded me that it is quality over quantity that he is relies on and also discussed a hypothesis among the fertility world about petite women having low ovarian reserve. He went on to say that these numbers could be my “normal” and that he had seen similar cases plenty times before where petite women with low ovarian reserve went on to conceive.

Was I comforted? Slightly.

So at this point, I am no longer “unexplained” I am labeled with  “low ovarian reserve” and because we don’t know my levels from 2-5-10 years ago, I was told that I could be on the brink of my fertility window.

Really… did he need to say that?

Naturally, the next conversation topic quickly moved to IVF.

He told us that normally our next step would be injectibles with or without IUI- but he is highly recommending us going straight to IVF. He went on to explain that since we have the greatest chances with IVF that would be the best next step, but cautioned us that with my low ovarian reserve, he is uncertain how many follicles he would be able to retrieve with his goal being  five.

I asked five? Aren’t’ you normally trying to obtain 15 or even 20?

Again, I suck in air finding it hard to believe, thinking of scary clowns as a distraction to the inevitable tears forming behind my eyes, the lump in the my throat grows larger..

I squeak out: “How soon to you recommend us starting IVF? And how long is the process start to finish?”

He walked us through, step by step, the entire process starting with when we need to call in the office ( three months before we wish to start) to the final pregnancy test.

After the appointment my husband and I talked and decided to try naturally for a few more months- given that I just had surgery, we feel like we have a brand new clean slate to work from. Am I in denial? I don’t know, but this decision feels right and plus we are still processing it all.

Plus, naive or not,  I still believe we can conceive naturally.

I do.

Honestly, having the past two months off of baby making  has done wonders for both my husband and I  emotionally and I feel ready to give it another go, naturally first.

The plan however, is that in 3 or 4 cycles –we talk about moving forward with IVF. Not sure if it will be in 4 or 5 or 6 months, but if we are not pregnant within this time frame, we will move forward with this option of IVF.

Feeling good with our new plan in place.

Feeling closer to our baby than ever.

Spring is right around the corner and in my book the absolute perfect time to conceive!

We shall see..

~kss

Hope Faith Love

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This cycle marks my 29th cycle since officially starting to TTC- a lot has been revealed during the past few months; FEMARA, instead of helping me conceive, has helped me produce cysts and uterine polyps, my FSH is high and my AMH is low, I will need surgery, and lastly I may not be the best candidate for IVF- What am I left with? Simply me, what God has given me and my husband – praying that our miracle child is conceived through spontaneous conception… feeling at this point, like that will be the only way pregnancy will happen for us…

And despite all of these unnerving revelations, my emotional sanity remains pretty steady and has been the best it has been in a very long time, that is until the following “triggers” bring me crashing down.. Why am I still not OK with the following?

 Hearing about other friends/families/strangers pregnancy announcements

 Seeing a “baby on board” sign magnetized to mini vans

 Seeing Ultrasound pictures on Facebook

 Hanging out in a room full of moms, babies, and mothers to be

 Baby showers and children birthday parties

 Hearing about how fertile someone is (or was… even if it was 25 years ago)

 Getting my period –even though I know it’s coming

 Listening to pregnant women complain about their pregnancy

 Listening to moms complain about how tired they are

 Hearing about how it only took someone “shaving their legs ” to get pregnant

 With going through another Christmas pregnant-less and baby-less…

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Will these triggers continue to tug at me even after I conceive or when I become a mom?

I wonder- will I forever be tainted by this struggle?

How does one recover? And do we ever?

Something tells me that even after Baby R makes their way into our lives, I will always have a piece of my heart that will remain a cool blue grey etched with the memories and pain from this heart-crushing journey…

I have many things to be thankful for this holiday season, and I am doing my best to acknowledge them and keep them in the forefront of my mind.. My life is beautiful, it truly is. I am going into another Christmas without our child and it will be difficult, but I know in my heart, this will change one day soon.

~Hope ~Faith~ Love~

This is what the Christmas season is all about and remembering these three words is how I will continue to cope even with all of these “triggers” happening all around me… I will continue to dream about a day that the things that I am not OK with now, will be in my distant memory… gone but never forgotten.
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~KSS

Uterine Polyp Update

November is nearly over and I desperately need to give a quick update

 as I left you on the hook last post……

To recap, nearly two weeks ago, I was heading in for a watersonogram to investigate my uterine polyp…

At my appointment, my RE performed a quick U/S right before the procedure and we were both able to see the small nugget of a polyp quite clearly

Actually the small polyp looked larger than I had expected it to be

Good news no watersonogram procedure needed that day

Bad news surgery to remove polyp scheduled for January 25 2013

Good news 99% sure the polyp is benign

Bad news my RE wants me on birth control pills for January’s cycle

Good news the polyp that is most likely getting in the way of my female parts and their female functions

will be removed in a few short months (two to be exact)

Bad news this surgery date puts DH and I out another three cycles before we have a fair shot of conceiving a baby

Good news –In the meantime we’ll keep on “trying”

Desptite the many setbacks of this journey

I am and will continue to be an eternal optimist

and besides

without hope, what does one have anyway?

                                                                                              ~kss

What Do Canadian Geese Have To Do With It?

 

This morning I awoke to the sound of Canadian Geese honking (or as I like to call it “singing”) as they moved across the early morning sky… At first I wasn’t so accepting of the loud noise that brought me out of my deep REM and then once I recognized the sound of the geese; a smile crossed over my face. I thought to myself: what a wonderful way to be woken up.

I enjoyed the moment for a few seconds until… reality hit.

 

I go in tomorrow for a water sonogram. After last weeks’ CD2 ultrasound, my RE wanted to triple check my uterine polyp and decipher what needs to be done. The procedure is, as I was told by my doctor, a combination of both an IUI and HSG. Ok –have experienced them both and I survived.. not a big deal. I was told to take 600-800 mg of IB Profin an hour before the procedure and that I would be just fine…gulp.

 

I am also awaiting the results of my AMH blood test.

 

AMH stands for anti-mullerian hormone, a substance produced by granulose cells at the earliest stage of ovarian follicle development. Since the number of these primordial cells is linked to the number of follicles that grow into viable, fertilizable, eggs, Doctors use AMH levels to assess a woman’s remaining egg supply. Because my antafollicle count came back low for my age (4-5 on each ovary) my RE wanted to run some more tests. Not really looking forward to these results…

 

So far my CD 2 FSH came back high (12.2) and my Estradial came back normal (less than 50) I was told however, despite my immediate hysteria upon finding out my results, not to  jump to any conclusions until my AMH results come back.

 

So that is what I am trying to do…although, I have to admit that I have consulted with Dr. Google for many “what if scenarios” and don’t really feel any better.

 

It’s times like these that I wish I didn’t have any tests performed.. this journey has taught me that indeed ignorance is bliss.

 

I also wince at the thought of going through another Christmas without our child. This month I am on cycle number 28…Friends and acquaintances are passing me up by having their second and third children… I found out last week that two friends are pregnant…one who had been trying longer than I and the other not trying at all.

 

I think that might be the hardest part of this journey.. watching other families grow, while mine stays the same. Seeing pictures of baby bumps turn into newborn babies turn in to growing families while my heart continues to ache.

 

Two years ago this month we conceived our first baby.  For that reason the month of November will always be special to me …I am thankful that I was given the chance to experience being pregnant if only for 9 ½ weeks.. Thankful that I live in a place that allows me to wake up to Canadian Geese signing about their next great journey, reminding me that I too am on a journey myself and to just keep moving forward with the seasons as they do.