I bought myself flowers yesterday…

I bought myself flowers yesterday.

It’s true.

Crushed orange-colored ones, the most vibrant of all the roses that filled the flower bucket at Fresh Market. I admit that I buy flowers for myself more often than not, but yesterdays flowers were bought for a few reasons:
■The holidays are almost over
■and I survived
■ I signed up for a yoga membership
■and actually attended two classes – two days in a row
■ because I am not pregnant (It’s official-I started my cycle) uggg
■ Which means that I am officially going in for surgery in twenty-six days
■and becuase I am approaching my two-year anniversary of my miscarriage…babyless and pregnantless…

Yes, I admit..feeling a little low these past few days…

And flowers are my saving grace at times like this, the soft delicate petals wrapped around each other… captivating-really. The tropical color to brighten up this cold December day… The freshness.. the innocence.


Yes, I needed them.

Maybe I  have a holiday hangover? Is there such a thing? I didn’t even drink last night and yet the fogginess is there… and when I go outside there is a quietness, a calmness…but almost eery. Holiday hangover- I suppose.

Looking forward to heading out of dodge tomorrow with just my hubby and I.. going to a remote lodge with a cozy room with a fireplace and view of the Sierra Nevada snow covered mountains… I will spend the next few days rejuvenating my spirit and reflecting on my amazing year.. and making plans for what’s to come…oh and drinking champagne of course.

And since I will be tucked away in some far removed mountain town for the next few days, trying to unplug from the world… I will go ahead and wish you all a very-very Happy and Healthy New Years a few days early.

May this next year be as beautiful as you wish it to be…



December Twenty Two

Today would have been my Grandma M’s birthday. I am unsure of how old she would have been, she left us and went to heaven twelve years ago. Loved my Grandma and I miss her dearly. She was such a big part of my childhood memories… So I will honor her by listing a few things that she loved:

roses and her rose garden, pink lipstick, white shoulders perfume, shopping, baking, blankets, her cat Moose, laughing, volunteering at the VFW and all things pink.

Love you Grandma and Happy Birthday!

birthday  cake gma

I woke up early again this morning, despite staying up late and watching Christmas movies on Lifetime. Why are those movies, so sappy-but so darn good?

It’s been rainy and windy all night, and the wind was howling so loudly that my pups even woke up and started barking, which they never do!

christmas tree

Christmas is a short three days away..Our tree is decorated, presents are wrapped, the first batch of fudge and cookies are made, and yet something is missing…


My child.

I long for her.

And my heart aches.

Next month, will mark our two year date of our loss. January has always been a hard month for me, and it seems like it will be forever tainted.

It’s these early morning hours that get to me the most.

It’s the silence.

The deafening silence leaving me to my thoughts…

On a positive note… I did feel ovulation this month, which I normally never do. I take it as a good sign, of course.

I confirmed it with my RE when I had my “check up” appointment on Wednesday and he showed me the corpus luteum on the ultrasound screen.

Confirmed O is always good.

I, of course, have a wee bit of hope for spontaneous conception this month, even though we were technically taking a break, and technically only did the deed once during my fertile time.. I still have hope.. and even my RE commented that “it only takes one”

Wouldn’t that be a Christmas Miracle? Conceiving the one month we didn’t try… it happens for others, plenty of others… Prayers of course are being sent.

Oh and yes, my appointment this past week, still determined that I would need surgery to remove the uterine polyp that is so happily feeling quite at home in my body. Not too happy about that and never thought my first surgery would entail something like this, but life is funny. So January twenty five will be my surgery day unless of course, a Christmas Miracle occurs.

I believe