So a few months ago, I started a new topic on Fertility Friend, titled: Remember When… and it quickly gained a large following with many other TTC’ers adding their own “remember whens.” I thought up this new topic, while reminiscing of the “good ol days” which I refer to as the first few months of when my DH and I decided we were going to officially try to make a baby.
Oh, to return to those beginning months of ttc when all was so simple.
Sometimes I think ignorance truly is bliss.
Here are my ‘Remember Whens’
- You first started TTC and how giddy you used to feel at the mere possibility of actually conceiving
- When you thought unprotected sex automatically equalled a baby
- When you didn’t know what progesterone was or what your ovaries were doing at different parts of your cycle or the proper levels of FSH, TSH, LH etc..
- When you used to see a baby announcement on Facebook and be the first one to like the post or to say “Congratulations”
- Hell when you actually enjoyed going on Facebook and did so without enduring feelings of sadness and disappointment while looking at all your friend’s photos of their baby bumps and children
- When you used to be able to look at a pregnant woman and smile instead of purposefully turning the corner or changing lines to avoid them
- When getting your period did not make you cry no matter whose toilet you were on
- When you used to love going to baby showers and even actually offered to help organize them
- When hearing the words “Im Pregnant” or “so in so is Pregnant” did not make your stomach turn sour and make you feel depressed for the rest of the day
(below are more “Remember Whens” derived from other TTC’ers on Fertility Friend that I can relate to as well, so I am including them in this post)
~A year was broken down into 4 seasons rather than the monthly repetition of waiting to ovulate, bd’ing like mad then waiting to test
~You could hold a friends baby without anyone giving you the pitiful head tilt or rubbing your arm and telling you “you’ll be next”
~EWCM was so gross and in fact, could it be an infection?!!! Remember when you knew what date or day of the week it was, and not just what CD you were on!?
~Seeing a pregnant belly didn’t put a lump in your throat
~You still hesitated to make plans for later in the year because “You might be pregnant then”
~You would prefer to see your FF Buddies’ updates rather than your FB friends’ updates
~You didn’t know what a Reproductive Endocrinologist was
~You actually felt sorry for your pregnant friends when they complained about: getting fat, swollen feet, loss of sleep, etc., etc. (Instead of thinking “I would give ANYTHING to have your pregnant belly and swollen feet!”)
By posting this thought-provoking question a few months back, and receiving such a wonderful response, I immediately didn’t feel so all alone and received the kind reminder that I am not the only one struggling with this TTC journey. It also made me realize that long-term trying to conceive changes you. You don’t think you are changing and then one day you wake up and you just know. It happened. You have in fact metamorphosed into a woman who actually questions her ability to conceive and fights back feelings of failure on a daily basis. Yes, this process hardens you somewhat, makes you more reserved, increases bouts of sadness (especially after spending the afternoon with your friends and their newborn baby) and creates daily struggles with fertile and infertile thoughts. The constant questions of “will this be the month we conceive? and “will I ever be able to make my husband a father?”
I am not sure exactly when I changed, could have been a few months after our miscarriage, or after months and months of perfectly timed intercourse and realizing that we still weren’t pregnant and( five of your friends were). Or maybe it was last August when I mourned the entire month because it was supposed to be my baby’s birth month or maybe it was the day that I was officially diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”. Not really sure when it happened, but it did.
When I finally do conceive will I change back to the way I was? Or- will I still feel these feelings? Something deep down inside me tells me that this is who I am now, and quite frankly, I don’t care either way. What I do know is that after all of our efforts to make our little baby, after all of the reminiscing of the Remember Whens’, whatever the outcome, I know that I will be O.K. And I just keep telling myself this- I will be O.K.
What are your Remember Whens?