I woke up on my birthday early. Even with the recent time change, my bedroom was still dark as my eyes opened at 4:30 am. I lay in bed for a long while, soaking in the stillness of the morning, thanking God for another year and praying. Part of my prayer was that on my next birthday (my 33rd) at this very hour, I would be gently rocking my baby in my arms.
As I prayed; a vision came to me so perfectly and so clearly that I could actually feel what it would be like to be in that space.
There I was just a few doors down from my bedroom, the once empty room – now a soothing and comforting nursery… rocking in a chair that glided easily in a back and forward motion while cuddling my little one in my arms…maybe I am breastfeeding her or simply cooing her back to sleep, but there we are together; momma and baby. I take turns studying her face and looking out the window at the birch trees as they sway from side to side. Their golden leaves dancing in the wind, some leaving the safety of their branch-swirling down to earth.. ever so delicately…I look back to my little one and our eyes lock in knowingness that our long standing prayers have been answered at last.
Yes this is my birthday prayer and I will do my best, no matter the disappointment and heartache of this journey, to continue to visualize this until it becomes a reality.
What is it about newborn babies that make your heart sing? Is it the newness of it all, their innocence, their tiny little feet and hands all shiny and new? What is it about these little miracles of life, wrapped up in adorable little baby blankets like an oversized burrito? I believe that it is a combination of all of these things and so much more. Newborn babies just melt your heart, soften your being, and for me… well they just make your heartache a tiny bit more for one of your own.
You see, our best friends’ had their first baby a few days ago, and my husband and I were lucky enough to meet their baby boy 45 minutes after his arrival into this world. When I walked into the room, baby was having skin to skin bonding time with momma, and the act of this alone brought instant tears to my eyes. The way baby looked up at momma, first one eye would open, then the second eye, then he would focus on mammas’ face so intently almost studying her so closely thinking to himself “so this is what you look like”. It was like time had stopped for a few seconds as I watched this amazing interaction take place between mamma and baby. This was such a tender moment, and literally took my breath away.
**No, this is not a picture of our friends baby – just a random of someone I do not know**
Another interaction that took my breath away, was seeing my husband hold this newborn baby – what is it about seeing this act that just tugs at your heart strings in such a way? He looked so very happy and seeing him smiling and cooing at baby, just made me want to make him a father more than ever.
As we left the hospital room, our friend called out- “you’ll be next- you two” it took every part of me to not let my tears show. You see after two years of TTC these words start having an opposite effect of how they are supposed to make you feel, no longer do they bring you feelings of hope and wonder, instead these words remind me of what we don’t have and shake me back to my childless reality. So instead of sobbing like a big sappy crybaby, I just squeezed my husbands’ hand a little tighter and said yet another prayer that our rainbow baby would be with us soon enough.