Will Power and 9dp3dt

always believe that something

Three full days left until we find out if our IVF cycle helped create our little one.

Our little one that I have dreamt about for as long as I can remember…

According to this website, I am at the stage past transfer (9dp3dt) that implantation is now complete and fetal development continues and HCG continues to be secreted.

Wow. This makes me feel all warm and bubbly inside.

And even though technically I could take a home pregnancy test; J and I have agreed to not test before we hear the results of our second beta.

Yes, I wrote that correctly my second beta.

My clinic is extremely conservative and has their patients take two betas within 48 hours of each other and only after the second beta is complete do they call with the results.

Although this seems like slow torture, I can understand this strategy as it’s the doubling time that truly counts, but oh my goodness my will power is being tested for sure.

At the moment I feel rather normal and am contributing a few of my “symptoms”

(increased appetite, increased tiredness, irritability, sensitive body, and tender breasts)

to the lovely progesterone in oil that I am taking every night.

Oh and I had an odd pinching pain in my lower middle abdomen yesterday afternoon that lasted about ten seconds and literally took my breath away -progesterone right?

Even Dr. S told me right after my transfer not to expect any symptoms during the wait as it’s simply too early yet.

Oh that progesterone –why do you give the same symptoms of PMS and Pregnancy and at the very same time?

So that is my ‘nearing the end of this 1 ½ week wait after transfer update’ and my next post will either be really amazing and joyful and full of blessings or the “other” which I won’t even let my mind wander to at the moment.

Continuing to stay in the present, feeling this working, and awaiting for confirmation of our miracle.

miracle

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Waiting to Test

Nine days past ovulation today.

Nine.

Gulp.

My destiny will be revealed in a few short days and I just can’t bear the thought of another negative HPT test. Or having to tell my DH, that this cycle didn’t’ work. Or facing my thirty-second birthday childless and pregnant -less…I am really trying hard to not go there in my mind, but I can’t help these thoughts- they are all right there tucked to the side of my mind -just lurking..

As each day past ovulation goes by, my anxiety about the outcome goes up. Am I feeling any different? The short answer is “No” I don’t think I will ever be one of those women who claims to just have “known” that they were pregnant during their 2ww. I mean honestly, both premenstrual symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are exactly alike so really it’s a 50/50 shot. And from personal experience, when I was pregnant – my 2ww was  just like my other 2 week waits. Honestly- no different.

On second thought, for the past few days I have been waking up earlier than usual …early like 5:00 am early. I usually just lay in bed for a little while… thinking about my day and praying. I make sure to place one hand on my heart and the other over my abdomen. Sending love and energy- this also calms me. I visualize a little bean snuggling in my womb for a long winters nap… I pray for their safe keeping and health. I pray that my body gives them exactly what they require to survive. I pray for my sanity if this cycle is a bust. I pray that I continue to trust in the Lord and for his strength to help me continue along this heart wrenching journey. Yes, praying in the early morning darkness brings peace and serenity, which I so desperately need during this time.

My birthday is in less than thirty-five days… My life for the past two and a half years have been lived in two-week increments. Waiting to try… waiting to test… waiting to try and waiting to test….and I am so ready for that to be over.

Ready to be nauseous with a growing belly and swollen feet,  ready to finally tell the world that “”we did it- that we conceived!”

Currently, I am trying to hold out until Saturday (12dpo) before I test… just four more days of this.

Four.

I can do this.

I got this.

lots of love,

kss

“I will never test early again. I repeat- I will never test early again” ~Cycle day Twenty Five / Twelve days past ovulation

Really really wish my spirits were higher than they currently are right now. My usual bout of optimism, enthusiasm, and hope during the last leg of my cycle has vanished.  Poof! Gone.  And all because I tested early yesterday. Trust me, I did try and stop myself- I lay in bed and wrestled with the pros and cons of testing now or waiting it out, while my dear husband slept soundly beside me. Believe me; I had full disclosure of all the bad feelings that could come my way with a stark white negative pregnancy test. But the possibility of getting a positive test and celebrating all day long with my love won the battle and I decided to TEST! I leapt out of bed (actually I slid out of bed quietly and tip toed out of the room, not to wake my hubby). I grabbed my HPT -the new kind “wondfo” that I had never used before. After dipping the skinny flimsy stick into my FMU (first morning urine), I sat staring as the liquid ran across the stick, my heart beating loudly, my breath a bit shallow, and not moving an inch. The test line began turning into a bright pink thick line. I braced myself for a possible second line to form. I waited and waited and nothing. I then picked up the test stick and brought it to my home office (the sunniest and brightest room of the house at 5:30 in the morning) where I laid it down flat on my white desk. I glanced at my clock- three more minutes before I would learn my fate. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the space sitting to the left of the bright pink thick test line glared back at me depicting the whitest blankest space that I had ever seen. No evaporation line, no indent that makes you hold the test in a million different places to try and catch better lighting that would show a smidge of a line. NADA. Nothing. Gulp. Then the feelings of remorse for testing early come flooding in… then the feelings of failure, and defeat, and sorrow not to mention sadness. It is right then and there that I promise myself while holding yet another BFN test in my hands that I will never ever test early again. Just can’t handle the pain of seeing the stark white blank space of emptiness staring back at me.

Yes, yesterday was a hard day, but today my friends is a new day and although my spirits are still a bit down, I am feeling a wee bit better and I believe the no testing helped. I decided to enjoy one or two more days, with feelings of hope and faith, knowing that there still might actually be the mere possibility of seeing a second pink line this cycle.

“Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen. It gives us assurance about things we cannot see” (Hebrews 1:11)

Peace.

K Sirah Sirah

Sweet Newborn Babies & Salty Tears

What is it about newborn babies that make your heart sing? Is it the newness of it all, their innocence, their tiny little feet and hands all shiny and new? What is it about these little miracles of life, wrapped up in adorable little baby blankets like an oversized burrito? I believe that it is a combination of all of these things and so much more. Newborn babies just melt your heart, soften your being, and for me… well they just make your heartache a tiny bit more for one of your own.

You see, our best friends’ had their first baby a few days ago, and my husband and I were lucky enough to meet their baby boy 45 minutes after his arrival into this world. When I walked into the room, baby was having skin to skin bonding time with momma, and the act of this alone brought instant tears to my eyes. The way baby looked up at momma, first one eye would open, then the second eye, then he would focus on mammas’ face so intently almost studying her so closely thinking to himself “so this is what you look like”. It was like time had stopped for a few seconds as I watched this amazing interaction take place between mamma and baby.  This was such a tender moment, and literally took my breath away.

Wow.

Image

**No, this is not a picture of our friends baby – just a random of someone I do not know**

Another interaction that took my breath away, was seeing my husband hold this newborn baby – what is it about seeing this act that just tugs at your heart strings in such a way? He looked so very happy and seeing him smiling and cooing at baby,  just made me want to make him a father more than ever.

As we left the hospital room, our friend called out- “you’ll be next- you two” it took every part of me to not  let my tears show. You see after two years of TTC these words start having an opposite effect of how they are supposed to make you feel, no longer do they bring you feelings of hope and wonder, instead these words remind me of what we don’t have and shake me back to my childless reality. So instead of sobbing like a big sappy crybaby,   I just squeezed my husbands’ hand a little tighter and said yet another prayer that our rainbow baby would be with us soon enough.

Soon enough.