This cycle marks my 29th cycle since officially starting to TTC- a lot has been revealed during the past few months; FEMARA, instead of helping me conceive, has helped me produce cysts and uterine polyps, my FSH is high and my AMH is low, I will need surgery, and lastly I may not be the best candidate for IVF- What am I left with? Simply me, what God has given me and my husband – praying that our miracle child is conceived through spontaneous conception… feeling at this point, like that will be the only way pregnancy will happen for us…
And despite all of these unnerving revelations, my emotional sanity remains pretty steady and has been the best it has been in a very long time, that is until the following “triggers” bring me crashing down.. Why am I still not OK with the following?
Hearing about other friends/families/strangers pregnancy announcements
Seeing a “baby on board” sign magnetized to mini vans
Seeing Ultrasound pictures on Facebook
Hanging out in a room full of moms, babies, and mothers to be
Baby showers and children birthday parties
Hearing about how fertile someone is (or was… even if it was 25 years ago)
Getting my period –even though I know it’s coming
Listening to pregnant women complain about their pregnancy
Listening to moms complain about how tired they are
Hearing about how it only took someone “shaving their legs ” to get pregnant
With going through another Christmas pregnant-less and baby-less…
Will these triggers continue to tug at me even after I conceive or when I become a mom?
I wonder- will I forever be tainted by this struggle?
How does one recover? And do we ever?
Something tells me that even after Baby R makes their way into our lives, I will always have a piece of my heart that will remain a cool blue grey etched with the memories and pain from this heart-crushing journey…
I have many things to be thankful for this holiday season, and I am doing my best to acknowledge them and keep them in the forefront of my mind.. My life is beautiful, it truly is. I am going into another Christmas without our child and it will be difficult, but I know in my heart, this will change one day soon.
~Hope ~Faith~ Love~
This is what the Christmas season is all about and remembering these three words is how I will continue to cope even with all of these “triggers” happening all around me… I will continue to dream about a day that the things that I am not OK with now, will be in my distant memory… gone but never forgotten.