Hope Faith Love

c3

This cycle marks my 29th cycle since officially starting to TTC- a lot has been revealed during the past few months; FEMARA, instead of helping me conceive, has helped me produce cysts and uterine polyps, my FSH is high and my AMH is low, I will need surgery, and lastly I may not be the best candidate for IVF- What am I left with? Simply me, what God has given me and my husband – praying that our miracle child is conceived through spontaneous conception… feeling at this point, like that will be the only way pregnancy will happen for us…

And despite all of these unnerving revelations, my emotional sanity remains pretty steady and has been the best it has been in a very long time, that is until the following “triggers” bring me crashing down.. Why am I still not OK with the following?

 Hearing about other friends/families/strangers pregnancy announcements

 Seeing a “baby on board” sign magnetized to mini vans

 Seeing Ultrasound pictures on Facebook

 Hanging out in a room full of moms, babies, and mothers to be

 Baby showers and children birthday parties

 Hearing about how fertile someone is (or was… even if it was 25 years ago)

 Getting my period –even though I know it’s coming

 Listening to pregnant women complain about their pregnancy

 Listening to moms complain about how tired they are

 Hearing about how it only took someone “shaving their legs ” to get pregnant

 With going through another Christmas pregnant-less and baby-less…

c2

Will these triggers continue to tug at me even after I conceive or when I become a mom?

I wonder- will I forever be tainted by this struggle?

How does one recover? And do we ever?

Something tells me that even after Baby R makes their way into our lives, I will always have a piece of my heart that will remain a cool blue grey etched with the memories and pain from this heart-crushing journey…

I have many things to be thankful for this holiday season, and I am doing my best to acknowledge them and keep them in the forefront of my mind.. My life is beautiful, it truly is. I am going into another Christmas without our child and it will be difficult, but I know in my heart, this will change one day soon.

~Hope ~Faith~ Love~

This is what the Christmas season is all about and remembering these three words is how I will continue to cope even with all of these “triggers” happening all around me… I will continue to dream about a day that the things that I am not OK with now, will be in my distant memory… gone but never forgotten.
c1

~KSS

The Magic of Estrogen

This past week has been amazing.

First off, thank goodness for estrogen. Without this “feel good” hormone- I don’t know how I would have come to my most recent revelation.

Quick lesson on estrogen: early on in our cycle, around CD 6-8, estrogen levels begin to climb, this helps stabilize our emotions by increasing serotonin, giving us more energy, making us feel sexier and prettier-more feminine. This amazing hormone increases your sex drive at just the right time to make a baby.

 

I have also noticed that during this time, my creative energy goes into overdrive. I wake up early in the morning, full of ideas. The ideas mostly have to do with my home and the changes that I want to make, for example a paint color for one of my walls or a new plant or tree for my yard … or other times it’s a solution to a problem that I have been pondering. During this time I also feel more connected to people around me, and actually want to make connections rather than be my usual private self.

Yes, this is a time during our cycle of wonderful awakening of our mind, body and spirit.

I never really thought too much about why our body endures this awakening, until this past week when everything became perfectly clear.

I realized that our body is set on automatic pilot,  and for the most part it is in perfect rhythm with what it needs to do…producing estrogen early on in our cycle, to rev up our energy and prompt us to feel the urge to make love, after the sexual glow is gone, our body produces progesterone and takes over our body like a warm blanket… keeping everything warm -just in case an embryo is growing…If pregnancy is not achieved, it sheds the lining of old and gets ready for new… again on automatic pilot not stopping unless we interfere.

Either by what we put in our bodies or what we put in our minds.

I admit, I have been doing both.

I’ve been tinkering with this natural process for a long time now. I realized that after my miscarriage…when I didn’t get pregnant again right away, I started feeling desperate. The desperation  started soon after  I went in for a normal annual exam a few months after my miscarriage. The nurse practitioner who I saw for my appointment labeled me with infertility and recommended that I needed to be seen in their infertility office right away.  I panicked and didn’t question. I wanted to get pregnant again so badly, that I forgot to let my body and mind do their magic and have been trying something new almost every cycle since that diagnosis. The something new could be as small as taking a new herb, or seeing an acupuncturist, decreasing my caffeine or as big as, and most recently taking prescription medication.

And now my dh and I were actually pondering injectibles and IVF.

 

It’s overwhelming to me as I look back on these past two years….and how things started escalating from one new option to the next. It felt like the more that I pushed for an answer or tried a new regime the further I was from our baby.

 

I am finally at a place where I have stopped and am coming up for air.

 

After my revelation a new word has popped in my head and it won’t leave.

 

The word is TRUST

 

Every time my old doubts or fears come in – I take a breath and hear my inner voice say:

 

Trust.

 

 

I know deep in my heart that my body knows what it needs to do. I have altered the process both consciously and unconsciously… to a point, that I ended up with a large 23 mm cyst on my ovary, a uterine polyp; that may or may not need to be removed, the diagnosis of unexplained infertility and still no baby.

 

I gave myself these things. Not the drugs or the doctors that examined and tested me.

 

No, it’s me. I take full responsibility.

 

I made this discovery this past week, while my body naturally produced estrogen throughout my body, yes the “feel good” hormone rushing through my body allowed me to be present and hear what I needed to hear.

 

I have been giving away my power through all of this and I am taking a stand and pulling it back where it belongs, with me.

 Trusting

Knowing

Allowing

Creating

I’m back!

kss

National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. The entire month of October is set aside to bring awareness to pregnancy and infant loss, but today we remember our losses. Let’s take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or who were carried but never met, or those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but did not stay.

 

♥ Baby loss is still a taboo subject. Break the silence ♥

Today I will light a candle in remembrance of our little one, he or she would have been 14 months old this month.

Who will you be lighting a candle for today?

xo

kss