It’s H-a-p-p-e-n-i-n-g!

My surgery that is.

Yesterday I went in to have my preoperative appointment with my RE for my Hysteroscopy and Polypectomy surgery which is scheduled for next Friday January twenty-five.

hysteroscopy

He double checked, actually at this point and on my account-quadruple checked my uterine polyp.

He confirmed, that yes, it was still there and yes I still needed surgery.

After the quick ultra sound check, my husband and I went into his office to discuss the actual procedure and listened to step by step descriptions of what will take place next Friday. He also explained all of the risks associated with the procedure and a few “what if” scenarios that I would have rather not listened to.

fingers-in-ears

Our conversation left me feeling slightly more confident about the surgery, with the confirmed rewards (increased fertility and possible pregnancy there after) that agreeably outweighed the risks (possible infection and well “other risks” not to be mentioned, but associated with me not being able to write on this blog anymore…)

After our candid conversation detailing the mechanics of the surgery, my RE asked if I had any other questions. Of course, I had to ask, forgetting about the surgery all together; what our next steps fertility wise, after the surgery -were? He responded by saying, first things first and that we would further discuss the options and our next move at our postoperative appointment. He did at that point, instruct us not to TTC for at least one full cycle after surgery, as my uterus wouldn’t be completely healed yet. This pushes us out until March- Or even longer if my cycle gets messed up from the pack and a half of birth control pills that I have been taking to “quite my lady parts ” before the surgery…uggg…more waiting…. certainly one thing I can do very well.

Sad-Woman-by-Rob-LeeAt this point this journey is starting to blur and blend all together… my miscarriage, the numerous ultrasounds, blood work and tests results, my official diagnosis of unexplained infertility, the months and months of acupuncture, the never ending supply of herbs, the unsuccessful Femara and IUI cycles that we were so very hopeful for, the cysts that were found after the Femara, the many failed cycles one after the other, the second opinion that revealed my uterine polyp, my low AMH and high FSH results, and now surgery…

 

 

 

 

 

What in the world? How has it come to this?

In all honesty, this just makes me more determined than ever! This is our year.

It has to be.

Bring it 2013.

 

bring it on

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Consequences

I should have known better, but I was overcome with desperation of my diminishing options… and took the damn Femara. I knew from previous experience that my body tends to produce cysts while taking the drug. I feel like my body is telling me: “I told you so!” But my desire to make a baby overcame the risks that I knew about and now I am dealing with the consequences. A few days ago at my cycle day three ultrasound, all my fears came true, it went like this:

There I was lying in that  position (on your back- legs spread wide- feet in cold holsters) staring at the ugly tiles on the exam room ceiling waiting for my RE to tell me my fate: “ Ok.. well your lining looks wonderful, nice and thin like we like it at this time of your cycle… right ovary looks great nothing there… ok moving over to the left side and Oh.   Hmmmm. (Doctor begins clearing throat -I know what’s coming and brace myself ) well the left Ovary is showing a 23 mm cyst….so….you know what that means”

Yes. I did know what that meant! Femara and my body do not like each other. In fact, my body once again is punishing me. This time with an even bigger cyst! Almost as if saying- you pushed me too far!

I felt defeated.

Upon hearing my Doctors words, I almost lost my cool right there in the exam room.. I swallowed hard to try to gain my composure, blinking back the burning tears that were swelling in my eyes, I tried to speak… but I couldn’t. I knew if I breathed just one word, I would completely lose it and start crying uncontrollably.

I quickly sat up and stared my Doctor square in the eyes. Awaiting his synopsis. I watched him gingerly take off his big blue latex gloves and sit back on his stool; arms crossed and unemotionally say something along the lines of… “well we need to wait for the cyst to dissolve before doing anything else, but maybe it’s time that  you start considering other options such as injectables or possibly moving to IVF.  For some reason you aren’t getting pregnant and you may need to move on to other treatment.”

All I could do was nod, no words were forming- my throat tightening to hold back the tears that were about to fall…..He then got up and left the room.

He mentioned IVF like he was offering me a glass of water and then – left.

Just like that.

As soon as the door shut behind him, I came undone. There I was sitting half-naked on the exam table, completely bawling my eyes out. I didn’t care if I was loud and others could hear me, the pain in my heart was so great that I lost all control of my emotions. Normally I would have waited until after my appointment. (The steering wheel is a wonderful place to rest your head while you are crying hysterically.)   But not today. I had a rough past few days and this appointment revealing yet another cyst was the tipping point of a crazy emotional breakdown.

I don’t know how I put myself together, in order to check out and walk out of that office, but I did. I immediately called my DH as I was walking out to my car, I told him I was done and that for the first time during all of this I told him that I actually felt like giving up.

My strong will to succeed suddenly felt broken, and for the first time I didn’t have a plan.

Thankfully, my DH being a “problem solving kind of guy” suggested, rather insisted, we seek out a second opinion. His case valid, It had been over a year and a half with our current Reproductive Endocrinologist and we still weren’t pregnant and without reason. Granted I only agreed to begin their treatment this past July. But after three IUI’s, two being medicated, we still are not pregnant nor have a valid reason of why we weren’t conceiving.

Our current diagnosis:  “unexplained infertility”

What does this mean?  What are we missing?

So within a few hours after my awful appointment-by way of referral of some really knowledgeable ladies from my Resolve support group I made an appointment for a second opinion at a new fertility clinic scheduled for December 5th. We are getting to the point in this journey that we will need to start making some tough decisions and we need to be as educated, and knowledgeable of our situation as possible.

I am beginning to see the silver lining of the consequence that I am dealing with, and realize that it has in fact prompted me to start asking more questions and in a way step away from all of this….maybe go back to the drawing board… remember a time that we did conceive naturally.. remember a time that I actually believed that I could conceive naturally…

And that my friends is how my cycle number twenty-seven has begun… a little rough the first few days… but now the tears have dried and the possibilities of what this cycle may bring are forming once again.

love,

kss