December Twenty Two

Today would have been my Grandma M’s birthday. I am unsure of how old she would have been, she left us and went to heaven twelve years ago. Loved my Grandma and I miss her dearly. She was such a big part of my childhood memories… So I will honor her by listing a few things that she loved:

roses and her rose garden, pink lipstick, white shoulders perfume, shopping, baking, blankets, her cat Moose, laughing, volunteering at the VFW and all things pink.

Love you Grandma and Happy Birthday!

birthday  cake gma

I woke up early again this morning, despite staying up late and watching Christmas movies on Lifetime. Why are those movies, so sappy-but so darn good?

It’s been rainy and windy all night, and the wind was howling so loudly that my pups even woke up and started barking, which they never do!

christmas tree

Christmas is a short three days away..Our tree is decorated, presents are wrapped, the first batch of fudge and cookies are made, and yet something is missing…

 

My child.

I long for her.

And my heart aches.

Next month, will mark our two year date of our loss. January has always been a hard month for me, and it seems like it will be forever tainted.

It’s these early morning hours that get to me the most.

It’s the silence.

The deafening silence leaving me to my thoughts…

On a positive note… I did feel ovulation this month, which I normally never do. I take it as a good sign, of course.

I confirmed it with my RE when I had my “check up” appointment on Wednesday and he showed me the corpus luteum on the ultrasound screen.

Confirmed O is always good.

I, of course, have a wee bit of hope for spontaneous conception this month, even though we were technically taking a break, and technically only did the deed once during my fertile time.. I still have hope.. and even my RE commented that “it only takes one”

mothermary
Wouldn’t that be a Christmas Miracle? Conceiving the one month we didn’t try… it happens for others, plenty of others… Prayers of course are being sent.

Oh and yes, my appointment this past week, still determined that I would need surgery to remove the uterine polyp that is so happily feeling quite at home in my body. Not too happy about that and never thought my first surgery would entail something like this, but life is funny. So January twenty five will be my surgery day unless of course, a Christmas Miracle occurs.

I believe

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My Birthday Prayer

 

I woke up on my birthday early. Even with the recent time change, my bedroom was still dark as my eyes opened at 4:30 am. I lay in bed for a long while, soaking in the stillness of the morning, thanking God for another year and praying. Part of my prayer was that on my next birthday (my 33rd) at this very hour, I would be gently rocking my baby in my arms.

 

As I prayed; a vision came to me so perfectly and so clearly that I could actually feel what it would be like to be in that space.

 

There I was just a few doors down from my bedroom, the once empty room – now a soothing and comforting nursery… rocking in a chair that glided easily in a back and forward motion while cuddling my little one in my arms…maybe I am breastfeeding her or simply cooing her back to sleep, but there we are together; momma and baby. I take turns studying her face and looking out the window at the birch trees as they sway from side to side.  Their golden leaves dancing in the wind, some leaving the safety of their branch-swirling down to earth.. ever so delicately…I look back to my little one and our eyes lock in knowingness that our long standing prayers have been answered at last.

 

Yes this is my birthday prayer and I will do my best, no matter the disappointment and heartache of this journey, to continue to visualize this until it becomes a reality.

 

~kss

Waiting to Test

Nine days past ovulation today.

Nine.

Gulp.

My destiny will be revealed in a few short days and I just can’t bear the thought of another negative HPT test. Or having to tell my DH, that this cycle didn’t’ work. Or facing my thirty-second birthday childless and pregnant -less…I am really trying hard to not go there in my mind, but I can’t help these thoughts- they are all right there tucked to the side of my mind -just lurking..

As each day past ovulation goes by, my anxiety about the outcome goes up. Am I feeling any different? The short answer is “No” I don’t think I will ever be one of those women who claims to just have “known” that they were pregnant during their 2ww. I mean honestly, both premenstrual symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are exactly alike so really it’s a 50/50 shot. And from personal experience, when I was pregnant – my 2ww was  just like my other 2 week waits. Honestly- no different.

On second thought, for the past few days I have been waking up earlier than usual …early like 5:00 am early. I usually just lay in bed for a little while… thinking about my day and praying. I make sure to place one hand on my heart and the other over my abdomen. Sending love and energy- this also calms me. I visualize a little bean snuggling in my womb for a long winters nap… I pray for their safe keeping and health. I pray that my body gives them exactly what they require to survive. I pray for my sanity if this cycle is a bust. I pray that I continue to trust in the Lord and for his strength to help me continue along this heart wrenching journey. Yes, praying in the early morning darkness brings peace and serenity, which I so desperately need during this time.

My birthday is in less than thirty-five days… My life for the past two and a half years have been lived in two-week increments. Waiting to try… waiting to test… waiting to try and waiting to test….and I am so ready for that to be over.

Ready to be nauseous with a growing belly and swollen feet,  ready to finally tell the world that “”we did it- that we conceived!”

Currently, I am trying to hold out until Saturday (12dpo) before I test… just four more days of this.

Four.

I can do this.

I got this.

lots of love,

kss