19 Weeks and Baby is the size of a Mango!

mango

 

Just got back from a fantastic “girl weekend getaway” with my mom and sisters. We went to the desert (one of our favorite places) and ate delicious food, swam, enjoyed the sun and warmth, and had wonderful conversations. This was the first time that all of us have been together since I have been pregnant and it felt so nice to be able to talk about this miracle of life growing inside me and the future. Seeing their excitement and interest in and for the baby filled up my family love cup and reminded me of how much our baby is already loved so much!

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How far along: 19 Weeks- baby is the size of a mango

 

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Up another pound-so 119lbs!

Maternity clothes: Love my maternity clothes right now, but also able to wear a few dresses from last summer and officially showing off my bump.

Stretch marks: Not yet! Although just in case they are forming- I did splurge on a super yummy smelling belly oil made by Noodle & Boo- smells and feels amazing and I have been using it religiously!

noodle & boo


Sleep: I continue to sleep so deeply and wonderfully. I literally close my eyes at night and am fast asleep until morning.

Best moment last week: Seeing my baby move! He/She was so active one night last week, I pulled up my shirt and saw my belly move- I felt elated at the sight and was all smiles after that- Since then I have only “seen” baby move one other time.

Movement: Yes- very active baby- (see above)

Food cravings/Aversions: Pretty much loving all food right now. Still not liking garlic, onions, marinara, and now pure chocolate. Fruit and orange juice are a must!

Mood/Energy: Feeling wonderful! I get a little tired in the afternoons- but usually can fight through the sleepiness if I am unable to take a nap.

Labor signs: No

Belly button: In!


What I miss: Nothing- everything is perfect.

What I am looking forward to: Our anatomy scan scheduled tomorrow! Oh my goodness.. I am nervous and excited at the same time! We are going to have the ultrasound tech put the gender in an envelope and then open it at lunch afterwards. My hubby tried to tell me that we should wait until date night Friday night-but I put my foot down and said that we had waited long enough-don’t you think?

Milestones: Seeing baby move! My sister got to see too!  Now just need my hubby to see/feel baby.

Bump Pic:   ps: I’m bravely posting this…19 weeks 1

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Feeling Thankful & Blessed Beyond Belief

thankful

 

Oh my goodness! We are pregnant! Praise God!

I called in earlier this afternoon for my beta results and the first thing the nurse said was ‘Congratulations’!

Beta number one (10dp3dt) is 209 and beta number two (12dp3dt)  is 422.

Feeling so happy and blessed and full of joy.

The last few days have been very tough on me as I have been a complete emotional wreck and I even had a few breakdowns of  crying fits; which is not like me at all.

I’ve been waiting for today’s news for years and the words “you are pregnant” feels surreal and as if a huge rock has been lifted from my soul.

Oh and before my emotional breakdown that started on Sunday, I wrote a journal entry last week that I wanted to share… maybe I did know I was pregnant?

 

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I feel the presence of our little one already.

 I know we are together at last.

 My little one came back to us as I knew they would.

 Three years ago, this very cycle, I got my BFP, but miscarried at 9.5 weeks. After struggling many months years with infertility we embraced IVF as our next step.

 Fast forward to a little over 10 days ago, on November 12, I went in for my egg retrieval (ovulation day in IVF terms) and three days later transferred two beautiful embryos.

 Although this cycle mirrors my previous BFP cycle, I know in my heart of hearts that this one will result in our beautiful healthy take home baby R.

 The one in my dreams, the one I have thought about since I was eighteen years old. Her rosy cheeks and big brown eyes.

 Feeling blessed beyond belief.

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So for now I will continue to stay in the present and enjoy this pregnancy and try and stay as positive as possible, for J, for me and for our little one who is snuggling in for the long haul…

Oh and a very special ‘thank you’ to everyone for your continued encouraging words and prayers.. they mean so very much to me and more than you’ll ever know!

Tears and Happy Baby

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I went to my one hour power yoga class to sweat, stretch my muscles and move fresh oxygen through my blood. I hadn’t taken a class in nearly a week and my body desperately craved the heat and movement of flow.

After an amazingly intense one hour class our instructor had us lie on to our backs and get into “happy baby” for our final resting pose.

Looks like this:

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At first this pose feels wonderful, your vertebrae, one by one, aligns to the floor, hips begin to stretch open and relax and you feel and actually look like a happy baby.

But holding this posture for more than 30 seconds begins to feel torturesque and we were in this pose for nearly six or seven minutes…

not certain exactly but enough time to listen to the entire song of Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah ..

Between this extremely deep hip opener and mesmerizing song filling the yoga studio… my mind began to wander and I became lost in my thoughts.

Thoughts of pregnant women and how open and relaxed their hips would be in this very pose, if I would take yoga classes when I was finally pregnant one day, my own happy baby that I continue to dream about both day and night, bringing me back to the reality that my cycle still had not started since my surgery, the heavy thought of trying again…and the pain in my tight hips which began intensifying with my thoughts.. and before I knew it my hips began fighting the pose and the pain almost became unbearable taking my breath away…I wanted to quit, I wanted to run right out of the room-Hallelujah and all, away from the heat and the sweat and my thoughts…

But I stayed.

And I breathed.

Welcoming both the pain and the release.

And that’s when it started

Tears began to roll down my flushed cheeks

and I let them

I knew where they were coming from and it made me cry that much more; my hips were holding on to
my tightness, rigidness, controlling tendencies, worries and fears

and I just told myself to let go

Let it all go- she whispered…

And I did

And it felt wonderful

Deciding at that very moment  that both tears and happy baby are a beautiful thing

images (2)

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(Ananda Balasana)

(aka Dead Bug Pose)

Benefits:
Physical: Releases lower back and sacrum; opens hips, inner thighs, and groins
Emotional: Releases unconscious emotions stored in the hip area
Rx for: Lower Back Pain

1. Lie flat on your back with knees bent, feet flat on the floor about hip-width apart, arms alongside the body, palms facing the ceiling.
2. Lift feet off the floor and bring knees in toward the shoulders.
3. Flex the feet.
4. Grasp the outsides of the feet with each hand.
5. Pull gently using the hands, enhancing the stretch and bringing knees closer to the floor.
6. Press buttocks into the floor.
7. Hold for 5 to 10 slow, deep breaths.

Prince William and Kate

wk

The very day that Prince William and Kate announce their baby news, I am greeted with the start of my 29th cycle since first trying to conceive.

 

Why am I so very affected by others and their baby news? Why does it make me feel so- so very low?

 

I mean I can understand being affected by a friend or acquaintance who shares their happy news but Prince William and Kate? Really? Oh I feel pathetic at times like these…

 

Prince William and Kate are worlds away from me and never in a million years would I ever have the chance to meet them, and yet their baby announcement feels like a swift kick in the gut.

 

How do I overcome these waves of depression and nausea at the mere inkling of a baby announcement? When will I ever be able to swoon in glee with the news and feel happy and excited for the expecting couple like I used to.. like the old me would have felt. When?

 

I know the answer, and it doesn’t make me feel any better at the moment. I will feel better when I have my own baby announcement to share…but in the meantime coping with these baby announcements is not getting any easier, in fact, it just continues to get harder.

Cycle day one… beautiful Kate announcing her wonderful news… and another Christmas for me with no baby announcement of my own.

kate pregnant

Ugggg….Pity party for one please.

~kss

What Do Canadian Geese Have To Do With It?

 

This morning I awoke to the sound of Canadian Geese honking (or as I like to call it “singing”) as they moved across the early morning sky… At first I wasn’t so accepting of the loud noise that brought me out of my deep REM and then once I recognized the sound of the geese; a smile crossed over my face. I thought to myself: what a wonderful way to be woken up.

I enjoyed the moment for a few seconds until… reality hit.

 

I go in tomorrow for a water sonogram. After last weeks’ CD2 ultrasound, my RE wanted to triple check my uterine polyp and decipher what needs to be done. The procedure is, as I was told by my doctor, a combination of both an IUI and HSG. Ok –have experienced them both and I survived.. not a big deal. I was told to take 600-800 mg of IB Profin an hour before the procedure and that I would be just fine…gulp.

 

I am also awaiting the results of my AMH blood test.

 

AMH stands for anti-mullerian hormone, a substance produced by granulose cells at the earliest stage of ovarian follicle development. Since the number of these primordial cells is linked to the number of follicles that grow into viable, fertilizable, eggs, Doctors use AMH levels to assess a woman’s remaining egg supply. Because my antafollicle count came back low for my age (4-5 on each ovary) my RE wanted to run some more tests. Not really looking forward to these results…

 

So far my CD 2 FSH came back high (12.2) and my Estradial came back normal (less than 50) I was told however, despite my immediate hysteria upon finding out my results, not to  jump to any conclusions until my AMH results come back.

 

So that is what I am trying to do…although, I have to admit that I have consulted with Dr. Google for many “what if scenarios” and don’t really feel any better.

 

It’s times like these that I wish I didn’t have any tests performed.. this journey has taught me that indeed ignorance is bliss.

 

I also wince at the thought of going through another Christmas without our child. This month I am on cycle number 28…Friends and acquaintances are passing me up by having their second and third children… I found out last week that two friends are pregnant…one who had been trying longer than I and the other not trying at all.

 

I think that might be the hardest part of this journey.. watching other families grow, while mine stays the same. Seeing pictures of baby bumps turn into newborn babies turn in to growing families while my heart continues to ache.

 

Two years ago this month we conceived our first baby.  For that reason the month of November will always be special to me …I am thankful that I was given the chance to experience being pregnant if only for 9 ½ weeks.. Thankful that I live in a place that allows me to wake up to Canadian Geese signing about their next great journey, reminding me that I too am on a journey myself and to just keep moving forward with the seasons as they do.