Waiting to Test

Nine days past ovulation today.

Nine.

Gulp.

My destiny will be revealed in a few short days and I just can’t bear the thought of another negative HPT test. Or having to tell my DH, that this cycle didn’t’ work. Or facing my thirty-second birthday childless and pregnant -less…I am really trying hard to not go there in my mind, but I can’t help these thoughts- they are all right there tucked to the side of my mind -just lurking..

As each day past ovulation goes by, my anxiety about the outcome goes up. Am I feeling any different? The short answer is “No” I don’t think I will ever be one of those women who claims to just have “known” that they were pregnant during their 2ww. I mean honestly, both premenstrual symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are exactly alike so really it’s a 50/50 shot. And from personal experience, when I was pregnant – my 2ww was  just like my other 2 week waits. Honestly- no different.

On second thought, for the past few days I have been waking up earlier than usual …early like 5:00 am early. I usually just lay in bed for a little while… thinking about my day and praying. I make sure to place one hand on my heart and the other over my abdomen. Sending love and energy- this also calms me. I visualize a little bean snuggling in my womb for a long winters nap… I pray for their safe keeping and health. I pray that my body gives them exactly what they require to survive. I pray for my sanity if this cycle is a bust. I pray that I continue to trust in the Lord and for his strength to help me continue along this heart wrenching journey. Yes, praying in the early morning darkness brings peace and serenity, which I so desperately need during this time.

My birthday is in less than thirty-five days… My life for the past two and a half years have been lived in two-week increments. Waiting to try… waiting to test… waiting to try and waiting to test….and I am so ready for that to be over.

Ready to be nauseous with a growing belly and swollen feet,  ready to finally tell the world that “”we did it- that we conceived!”

Currently, I am trying to hold out until Saturday (12dpo) before I test… just four more days of this.

Four.

I can do this.

I got this.

lots of love,

kss

Emptiness

Emptiness.

No tears fall.

But they need to.

For my heart aches. And aches some more.

Another cycle, another negative pregnancy test.

How can this be?

Another season soon to pass, and we are still not able to tell our family and close friends that we are pregnant.

I am numb at this point of my journey. In my heart deep down, I just know I will have a child one day, for I feel as if my child is already here with me, I see their eyes, feel the softness of their eyelashes, hear their laughter in my empty house. But yet, another cycle goes by and nothing. What am I being tested for? What is God’s plan for us? I have always been told I have a great amount of patience… but this…. so much time has passed since our miscarriage.  So much time.  My patience is surely being tested. It’s been 20 cycles…oh my goodness.

t-w-e-n-t-y.

gulp.

Days like this I need to dig deep.

Deeper than yesterday,  the day before that, and even the day before that.

Days like this I want to go into hiding. Hide from people with their growing families, hide from Facebook with the melodrama posts and endless flow of baby pictures and baby bumps, from busy parks full of meandering children about to play their first soccer game of the season. I just want to close my blinds, shut my door  and hide from the  world today.

For I feel like everyone who sees me- will be able to see right through me, right through to my soul. Will they know I failed again? Will they see the pain and heartache?  Will they feel the bitterness forming on my heart?

And the worst part about all of this, at least at the moment, is that  I still need to tell my DH that it’s a “no go” once again..Probably one of  the worst parts of a failed cycle.

For me anyway.

He is always such a love about the bad news, but I know his heart hurts as well. And I fear that the question will arise, not now, but soon… “when will enough –be enough?” And how will I respond? Don’t want to think about that now, but it’s there on my heavy aching heart as well.

Now the tears fall. Large big rolly polly tears streaming down my hot cheeks.

I’ll be better tomorrow.

Back on my knees today.

But tomorrow I’ll be better.

I always am.