Tears and Happy Baby

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I went to my one hour power yoga class to sweat, stretch my muscles and move fresh oxygen through my blood. I hadn’t taken a class in nearly a week and my body desperately craved the heat and movement of flow.

After an amazingly intense one hour class our instructor had us lie on to our backs and get into “happy baby” for our final resting pose.

Looks like this:

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At first this pose feels wonderful, your vertebrae, one by one, aligns to the floor, hips begin to stretch open and relax and you feel and actually look like a happy baby.

But holding this posture for more than 30 seconds begins to feel torturesque and we were in this pose for nearly six or seven minutes…

not certain exactly but enough time to listen to the entire song of Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah ..

Between this extremely deep hip opener and mesmerizing song filling the yoga studio… my mind began to wander and I became lost in my thoughts.

Thoughts of pregnant women and how open and relaxed their hips would be in this very pose, if I would take yoga classes when I was finally pregnant one day, my own happy baby that I continue to dream about both day and night, bringing me back to the reality that my cycle still had not started since my surgery, the heavy thought of trying again…and the pain in my tight hips which began intensifying with my thoughts.. and before I knew it my hips began fighting the pose and the pain almost became unbearable taking my breath away…I wanted to quit, I wanted to run right out of the room-Hallelujah and all, away from the heat and the sweat and my thoughts…

But I stayed.

And I breathed.

Welcoming both the pain and the release.

And that’s when it started

Tears began to roll down my flushed cheeks

and I let them

I knew where they were coming from and it made me cry that much more; my hips were holding on to
my tightness, rigidness, controlling tendencies, worries and fears

and I just told myself to let go

Let it all go- she whispered…

And I did

And it felt wonderful

Deciding at that very moment  that both tears and happy baby are a beautiful thing

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(Ananda Balasana)

(aka Dead Bug Pose)

Benefits:
Physical: Releases lower back and sacrum; opens hips, inner thighs, and groins
Emotional: Releases unconscious emotions stored in the hip area
Rx for: Lower Back Pain

1. Lie flat on your back with knees bent, feet flat on the floor about hip-width apart, arms alongside the body, palms facing the ceiling.
2. Lift feet off the floor and bring knees in toward the shoulders.
3. Flex the feet.
4. Grasp the outsides of the feet with each hand.
5. Pull gently using the hands, enhancing the stretch and bringing knees closer to the floor.
6. Press buttocks into the floor.
7. Hold for 5 to 10 slow, deep breaths.

In an Instant

stormy sky

And in one simple instant, the wind beneath my wings is gone. The joyfulness in my eyes disappears and the ache in my heart returns.

When I heard the news this morning my heart skipped a beat, my chest tightened, and tears sprang to my eyes all before I could even process what was being said.

She’s pregnant.

She told me that they were going to start trying after the New Year.

And a little over one month later-she’s pregnant.

How are some people so lucky? One moth trying and pregnant? I would give anything to know what that would be like; the innocence, the purity, the bliss of it all. No strings attached, just having sex and next thing you know- two pink lines.

I’m angry with myself for feeling this way. Embarrassed really.

Will I ever be able to just be happy for these women? Will these feelings of jealousy and sadness ever go away? Will their happiness continue to trigger my sadness?

When I hear of pregnancy announcements, I instantly feel waves of my grief wash over me all over again … I try and push it away.. but the pain and sadness is there forcing me to face my loss-my failure –to remember it all.

Lately, I have been doing a very good job about not focusing on my fertility issues. With being on birth control, planning for and having surgery, and school and work keeping me busy, its’ been a really nice distraction.

But in a moment- one announcement jars me right out of “distraction land” and right back into the thick of it-just like that.

My stomach turns to knots, my smile fades.

I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I am done-finished.

The sky is gray today, to match my mood.

The rain will come later and I welcome it.

Thankfully my DH and I have a post op appointment with our Reproductive Specialist tomorrow to ensure that my uterus is healing properly, after the hysteroscopy and to discuss the next steps and to formulate a plan.

A plan that will answer our prayers.   rainbow

kss

Polyp-less at last…

Officially my polyps have been removed.  And yes, my polyp went to  polyp(S) as in plural, multiple, more than one. A handful in fact… even though we had thought we were only dealing with one, my doctor found multiple.

 Apparently once the procedure had begun, my doctor was able to see a whole lot more inside my uterus and was able to find a few more very small polyps around the larger one.. Again just confirming the importance of me having had this surgery.

 The surgery itself (Hysteroscopy with Polypectomy Removal), which took place this past Friday, went really well. The hardest part, quite honestly, was getting the IV in my arm before surgery. With never having surgery before, I was taken by surprise when I was told that the kind male nurse would need to put an IV in my arm-and began having a slight panic attack, hands shaking –heart racing. Eventually, he being was successful with the placement of the IV and I had them cover it up so I wouldn’t have to look at the scariness of a needle going into my arm. Soon thereafter my lovely, peppy blond haired anesthesiologist came over and gave me a “little something” to help me relax…she described it as having two big glasses of wine.. Ahhhhh it was all good after that.. soon I was transferred to the surgery room: bright, big, freezing cold, and I remember thinking that it looked just as it does in the movies.. then my RE began speaking, reviewing the surgery instructions to everyone in the room, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. How do you wake up from being awake? I do not know, but it was fantastic!

Walla –just like that, easy as pie.

 

 

In recovery, I had some dull cramping that was progressively getting worse, so they gave me “a little something” more for the pain..instant happiness I tell you..  than in walked my very handsome husband who I was so very happy to see. He was soon at my side explaining to me what our Doctor had revealed about the surgery, it all kind of sounded like wah-wahh-wah.. then I found myself crying with happy tears.. knowing that it was finally over. Within minutes of seeing my husband, they discharged and soon enough I was home sweet home resting on my cozy couch with my two little doggies cuddling on me. Being that I hadn’t eaten in almost 24 hours –my hubby and I ordered my favorite comfort food, Round Table Pizza, and I spent the remainder of the night relaxing on the couch.

 Later in the evening, once my head began to clear, I thought about this chapter being over,  and began to feel very excited for the possibilities of fertility re-entering my life… I have such a peace with my surgery results, and am praying for a solid month of healing and cleansing.. so that my body is prepared from head to toe to make and keep our baby.

 

Yes, my friends, my hopes are up once again.

And this time it feels oh so good!

Prince William and Kate

wk

The very day that Prince William and Kate announce their baby news, I am greeted with the start of my 29th cycle since first trying to conceive.

 

Why am I so very affected by others and their baby news? Why does it make me feel so- so very low?

 

I mean I can understand being affected by a friend or acquaintance who shares their happy news but Prince William and Kate? Really? Oh I feel pathetic at times like these…

 

Prince William and Kate are worlds away from me and never in a million years would I ever have the chance to meet them, and yet their baby announcement feels like a swift kick in the gut.

 

How do I overcome these waves of depression and nausea at the mere inkling of a baby announcement? When will I ever be able to swoon in glee with the news and feel happy and excited for the expecting couple like I used to.. like the old me would have felt. When?

 

I know the answer, and it doesn’t make me feel any better at the moment. I will feel better when I have my own baby announcement to share…but in the meantime coping with these baby announcements is not getting any easier, in fact, it just continues to get harder.

Cycle day one… beautiful Kate announcing her wonderful news… and another Christmas for me with no baby announcement of my own.

kate pregnant

Ugggg….Pity party for one please.

~kss

My Heart Hurts

Another cycle passes and my nightmare continues. I wake up and rub my sleepy eyes until my mind begins to clear. I am happy from dream land for a moment, then reality hits me like a ton of bricks. I am not pregnant. Again. I wince in pain at the thought. Cycle number twenty-six is another failure on my books. My heart hurts, my throat feels tight, and no more tears fall because I don’t have any left.

I am now faced with starting a new cycle, where decisions will need to be made, timed intercourse to be had,  doctors to visit, bloods to be drawn, friends to avoid, and yet another month of desperately missing my lo who left us so long ago. He or She would be 14 months old, walking by now surely, we would be buying them an adorable Halloween costume and taking them up to Apple Hill to pick pumpkins… but we’re not. And this reality hurts the most. I think I am realizing that my pain is not just about the failed cycles that crush my soul each month; it is the fact that each failed cycle is a reminder of our little one that is not here with us.

I am in the midst of reading the book; “Unsung Lullabies” and the authors talk about grieving and encourages you to grieve when you find out that your cycle has failed. But when is there time to grieve? During the waiting- when I give my everything to believing that we have succeeded? Or during the trying when I have to focus on all the details of ensuring we maximize our trying efforts? When?

 I want to grieve but when?

At this point of my TTC journey I am beginning to feel scared of what’s to come. Fear is creeping in right in time for Halloween. Fear of the unknown is the worst kind and it’s officially here in my heart. For so long, I just kept telling myself that we would get pregnant, especially after our miscarriage, it’s what kept me from hitting rock bottom. Month after month, I keep telling myself this and when CD 1 starts again, without hesitation, my dh and I continue to saddle up and try again… but I am fearful that if we don’t get pregnant soon, we’ll have to make some big decisions that I don’t want to face..

How much longer of trying will be enough?

When is enough –enough?

Emptiness

Emptiness.

No tears fall.

But they need to.

For my heart aches. And aches some more.

Another cycle, another negative pregnancy test.

How can this be?

Another season soon to pass, and we are still not able to tell our family and close friends that we are pregnant.

I am numb at this point of my journey. In my heart deep down, I just know I will have a child one day, for I feel as if my child is already here with me, I see their eyes, feel the softness of their eyelashes, hear their laughter in my empty house. But yet, another cycle goes by and nothing. What am I being tested for? What is God’s plan for us? I have always been told I have a great amount of patience… but this…. so much time has passed since our miscarriage.  So much time.  My patience is surely being tested. It’s been 20 cycles…oh my goodness.

t-w-e-n-t-y.

gulp.

Days like this I need to dig deep.

Deeper than yesterday,  the day before that, and even the day before that.

Days like this I want to go into hiding. Hide from people with their growing families, hide from Facebook with the melodrama posts and endless flow of baby pictures and baby bumps, from busy parks full of meandering children about to play their first soccer game of the season. I just want to close my blinds, shut my door  and hide from the  world today.

For I feel like everyone who sees me- will be able to see right through me, right through to my soul. Will they know I failed again? Will they see the pain and heartache?  Will they feel the bitterness forming on my heart?

And the worst part about all of this, at least at the moment, is that  I still need to tell my DH that it’s a “no go” once again..Probably one of  the worst parts of a failed cycle.

For me anyway.

He is always such a love about the bad news, but I know his heart hurts as well. And I fear that the question will arise, not now, but soon… “when will enough –be enough?” And how will I respond? Don’t want to think about that now, but it’s there on my heavy aching heart as well.

Now the tears fall. Large big rolly polly tears streaming down my hot cheeks.

I’ll be better tomorrow.

Back on my knees today.

But tomorrow I’ll be better.

I always am.

Sweet Newborn Babies & Salty Tears

What is it about newborn babies that make your heart sing? Is it the newness of it all, their innocence, their tiny little feet and hands all shiny and new? What is it about these little miracles of life, wrapped up in adorable little baby blankets like an oversized burrito? I believe that it is a combination of all of these things and so much more. Newborn babies just melt your heart, soften your being, and for me… well they just make your heartache a tiny bit more for one of your own.

You see, our best friends’ had their first baby a few days ago, and my husband and I were lucky enough to meet their baby boy 45 minutes after his arrival into this world. When I walked into the room, baby was having skin to skin bonding time with momma, and the act of this alone brought instant tears to my eyes. The way baby looked up at momma, first one eye would open, then the second eye, then he would focus on mammas’ face so intently almost studying her so closely thinking to himself “so this is what you look like”. It was like time had stopped for a few seconds as I watched this amazing interaction take place between mamma and baby.  This was such a tender moment, and literally took my breath away.

Wow.

Image

**No, this is not a picture of our friends baby – just a random of someone I do not know**

Another interaction that took my breath away, was seeing my husband hold this newborn baby – what is it about seeing this act that just tugs at your heart strings in such a way? He looked so very happy and seeing him smiling and cooing at baby,  just made me want to make him a father more than ever.

As we left the hospital room, our friend called out- “you’ll be next- you two” it took every part of me to not  let my tears show. You see after two years of TTC these words start having an opposite effect of how they are supposed to make you feel, no longer do they bring you feelings of hope and wonder, instead these words remind me of what we don’t have and shake me back to my childless reality. So instead of sobbing like a big sappy crybaby,   I just squeezed my husbands’ hand a little tighter and said yet another prayer that our rainbow baby would be with us soon enough.

Soon enough.