It’s H-a-p-p-e-n-i-n-g!

My surgery that is.

Yesterday I went in to have my preoperative appointment with my RE for my Hysteroscopy and Polypectomy surgery which is scheduled for next Friday January twenty-five.

hysteroscopy

He double checked, actually at this point and on my account-quadruple checked my uterine polyp.

He confirmed, that yes, it was still there and yes I still needed surgery.

After the quick ultra sound check, my husband and I went into his office to discuss the actual procedure and listened to step by step descriptions of what will take place next Friday. He also explained all of the risks associated with the procedure and a few “what if” scenarios that I would have rather not listened to.

fingers-in-ears

Our conversation left me feeling slightly more confident about the surgery, with the confirmed rewards (increased fertility and possible pregnancy there after) that agreeably outweighed the risks (possible infection and well “other risks” not to be mentioned, but associated with me not being able to write on this blog anymore…)

After our candid conversation detailing the mechanics of the surgery, my RE asked if I had any other questions. Of course, I had to ask, forgetting about the surgery all together; what our next steps fertility wise, after the surgery -were? He responded by saying, first things first and that we would further discuss the options and our next move at our postoperative appointment. He did at that point, instruct us not to TTC for at least one full cycle after surgery, as my uterus wouldn’t be completely healed yet. This pushes us out until March- Or even longer if my cycle gets messed up from the pack and a half of birth control pills that I have been taking to “quite my lady parts ” before the surgery…uggg…more waiting…. certainly one thing I can do very well.

Sad-Woman-by-Rob-LeeAt this point this journey is starting to blur and blend all together… my miscarriage, the numerous ultrasounds, blood work and tests results, my official diagnosis of unexplained infertility, the months and months of acupuncture, the never ending supply of herbs, the unsuccessful Femara and IUI cycles that we were so very hopeful for, the cysts that were found after the Femara, the many failed cycles one after the other, the second opinion that revealed my uterine polyp, my low AMH and high FSH results, and now surgery…

 

 

 

 

 

What in the world? How has it come to this?

In all honesty, this just makes me more determined than ever! This is our year.

It has to be.

Bring it 2013.

 

bring it on

Hope Faith Love

c3

This cycle marks my 29th cycle since officially starting to TTC- a lot has been revealed during the past few months; FEMARA, instead of helping me conceive, has helped me produce cysts and uterine polyps, my FSH is high and my AMH is low, I will need surgery, and lastly I may not be the best candidate for IVF- What am I left with? Simply me, what God has given me and my husband – praying that our miracle child is conceived through spontaneous conception… feeling at this point, like that will be the only way pregnancy will happen for us…

And despite all of these unnerving revelations, my emotional sanity remains pretty steady and has been the best it has been in a very long time, that is until the following “triggers” bring me crashing down.. Why am I still not OK with the following?

 Hearing about other friends/families/strangers pregnancy announcements

 Seeing a “baby on board” sign magnetized to mini vans

 Seeing Ultrasound pictures on Facebook

 Hanging out in a room full of moms, babies, and mothers to be

 Baby showers and children birthday parties

 Hearing about how fertile someone is (or was… even if it was 25 years ago)

 Getting my period –even though I know it’s coming

 Listening to pregnant women complain about their pregnancy

 Listening to moms complain about how tired they are

 Hearing about how it only took someone “shaving their legs ” to get pregnant

 With going through another Christmas pregnant-less and baby-less…

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Will these triggers continue to tug at me even after I conceive or when I become a mom?

I wonder- will I forever be tainted by this struggle?

How does one recover? And do we ever?

Something tells me that even after Baby R makes their way into our lives, I will always have a piece of my heart that will remain a cool blue grey etched with the memories and pain from this heart-crushing journey…

I have many things to be thankful for this holiday season, and I am doing my best to acknowledge them and keep them in the forefront of my mind.. My life is beautiful, it truly is. I am going into another Christmas without our child and it will be difficult, but I know in my heart, this will change one day soon.

~Hope ~Faith~ Love~

This is what the Christmas season is all about and remembering these three words is how I will continue to cope even with all of these “triggers” happening all around me… I will continue to dream about a day that the things that I am not OK with now, will be in my distant memory… gone but never forgotten.
c1

~KSS

Fall Blessings

Whirlwind is the word that comes to mind as I think about the last few weeks.

Change is happening in my life and I am gladly accepting the movement.

For so long my life has felt like someone had pressed the pause button, and finally a breakthrough has taken place and an enormous rain cloud has lifted from my heart.

I don’t know exactly when it happened, but I feel like myself again, and contribute my growth to the following in no particular order:

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Becoming a member of Resolve support group and receiving and giving support from others in my same situation

Being accepted and starting graduate school

Abandoning OPK’s indefinitely

Finishing my intuitive awareness six-week class and learning how to center and ground myself

Accepting the fact that my body does not like fertility drugs and going back to old fashioned love-making for a while

Obtaining a second opinion from a Reproductive Endocrinologist, who besides making me cry, confirmed my DH’s and I’s decision about exploring and considering adoption as opposed to starting IVF(despite the statistic that I have a 66% chance of being pregnant in less than 60 days if I were to start IVF now)

Allowing myself to remember back to a time that I got pregnant naturally and to trust that my body will know what to do again when the time is right

Begin healing work with the Fertile Heart Program

 

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All of these events, some small- some large, have helped me gain better understanding of my path and helped me move through my frustrations, hurt, and pain of still not having a child. I am continuing to trust in our Lord and know without a doubt that I am rising to a new level of growth and loving and appreciating every new day I have.

 

Today, I am one week into my lovely luteal phase. I am pretty neutral about this cycle, as I found out two weeks ago that I have developed a uterine polyp (Probably from Femara) and according to my RE the chance of an egg and sperm implanting is highly unlikely.

 

We’ll see.

 

I’ll continue to trust and if it’s meant to be- it will happen.

 

In the meantime I will give thanks and gratitude to all the change in my life and continue to enjoy the fall blessings all around me!

Consequences

I should have known better, but I was overcome with desperation of my diminishing options… and took the damn Femara. I knew from previous experience that my body tends to produce cysts while taking the drug. I feel like my body is telling me: “I told you so!” But my desire to make a baby overcame the risks that I knew about and now I am dealing with the consequences. A few days ago at my cycle day three ultrasound, all my fears came true, it went like this:

There I was lying in that  position (on your back- legs spread wide- feet in cold holsters) staring at the ugly tiles on the exam room ceiling waiting for my RE to tell me my fate: “ Ok.. well your lining looks wonderful, nice and thin like we like it at this time of your cycle… right ovary looks great nothing there… ok moving over to the left side and Oh.   Hmmmm. (Doctor begins clearing throat -I know what’s coming and brace myself ) well the left Ovary is showing a 23 mm cyst….so….you know what that means”

Yes. I did know what that meant! Femara and my body do not like each other. In fact, my body once again is punishing me. This time with an even bigger cyst! Almost as if saying- you pushed me too far!

I felt defeated.

Upon hearing my Doctors words, I almost lost my cool right there in the exam room.. I swallowed hard to try to gain my composure, blinking back the burning tears that were swelling in my eyes, I tried to speak… but I couldn’t. I knew if I breathed just one word, I would completely lose it and start crying uncontrollably.

I quickly sat up and stared my Doctor square in the eyes. Awaiting his synopsis. I watched him gingerly take off his big blue latex gloves and sit back on his stool; arms crossed and unemotionally say something along the lines of… “well we need to wait for the cyst to dissolve before doing anything else, but maybe it’s time that  you start considering other options such as injectables or possibly moving to IVF.  For some reason you aren’t getting pregnant and you may need to move on to other treatment.”

All I could do was nod, no words were forming- my throat tightening to hold back the tears that were about to fall…..He then got up and left the room.

He mentioned IVF like he was offering me a glass of water and then – left.

Just like that.

As soon as the door shut behind him, I came undone. There I was sitting half-naked on the exam table, completely bawling my eyes out. I didn’t care if I was loud and others could hear me, the pain in my heart was so great that I lost all control of my emotions. Normally I would have waited until after my appointment. (The steering wheel is a wonderful place to rest your head while you are crying hysterically.)   But not today. I had a rough past few days and this appointment revealing yet another cyst was the tipping point of a crazy emotional breakdown.

I don’t know how I put myself together, in order to check out and walk out of that office, but I did. I immediately called my DH as I was walking out to my car, I told him I was done and that for the first time during all of this I told him that I actually felt like giving up.

My strong will to succeed suddenly felt broken, and for the first time I didn’t have a plan.

Thankfully, my DH being a “problem solving kind of guy” suggested, rather insisted, we seek out a second opinion. His case valid, It had been over a year and a half with our current Reproductive Endocrinologist and we still weren’t pregnant and without reason. Granted I only agreed to begin their treatment this past July. But after three IUI’s, two being medicated, we still are not pregnant nor have a valid reason of why we weren’t conceiving.

Our current diagnosis:  “unexplained infertility”

What does this mean?  What are we missing?

So within a few hours after my awful appointment-by way of referral of some really knowledgeable ladies from my Resolve support group I made an appointment for a second opinion at a new fertility clinic scheduled for December 5th. We are getting to the point in this journey that we will need to start making some tough decisions and we need to be as educated, and knowledgeable of our situation as possible.

I am beginning to see the silver lining of the consequence that I am dealing with, and realize that it has in fact prompted me to start asking more questions and in a way step away from all of this….maybe go back to the drawing board… remember a time that we did conceive naturally.. remember a time that I actually believed that I could conceive naturally…

And that my friends is how my cycle number twenty-seven has begun… a little rough the first few days… but now the tears have dried and the possibilities of what this cycle may bring are forming once again.

love,

kss