The Shift (Towards I-V-F)

10938golden_egg

It’s time.

I have finally come to terms that IVF is our next step towards creating our little one.

(And also a way to hopefully preserve the eggs that I have left)

DOR (Diminished ovarian reserve) can be so difficult to process because of the sense of urgency that is felt with the prognosis and the fact that Doctors don’t really know how much time you have left to conceive.

Our “Pre-IVF Consult” is scheduled in two weeks where we will review possible protocols, goals, and timelines.

If all goes according to plan, I could be starting our first IVF cycle as soon as October.

Feeling eerily at peace with all of this, almost as if someone has lifted a huge rock off of my chest and I can suddenly breathe deeply again.

More thoughts to come…but for now I am fully accepting our path. Letting it all go and feeling creative and joyful and the most at peace that I have felt in a very long while.

My New Prayer

freefalling

In just 48 hours I have derailed from my natural high and am now freefalling from a mountain top into nothingness

A part of me wants to pound on a punching bag until I am exhausted and sick to my stomach and the other part of me wants to wrap myself up in a fetal position and weep the day away for I am faced with another failed cycle.

What actually makes me think that we can conceive on our own still?

We have had a go at this baby making ritual for 32 fucking cycles and no baby.

I am the epitome of Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

What am I doing to myself? To my husband?

I’m angry today- just feeling like I want to throw in the towel already.

And give up? Quit?

Maybe it will just be my hubby and I after all.

But we are not quitters.

Pain slices through my heart.

My cheeks feel flushed

Are we forcing what is not meant to be?

Pray

A dear wise old woman once told me, when things get bad, to simply get down on your knees and pray.

So today I will do just that

(Thank you Ethel)

Pray for courage, strength, and direction

For no matter what we decide, we need to be ok with either outcome (baby or no baby).

And so my new prayer begins today:

“God, we want whatever You have for us. If Your plan includes no children, please give us the strength to walk that road. If I never have a child, I will worship You. I will serve You. I will do Your will, and be content with whatever that will is.”