The Little Things in Life

smiley

How is it possible that I still become excited when I see that pretty little smiley face?

One would think after so many depressing failed cycles –that seeing a positive OPK would do nothing to lift my psyche.

But this is entirely not true!

Does anyone else in my shoes feel this wave of excitement upon seeing a positive OPK?

I think this temporary (but welcomed) brain fog must have something to do with my estrogen filled body or maybe due to the tiny endorphins flooding through me signaling that ovulation is near

Whatever the reason I am happy to be filled once more with hopeful possibilities of creating our love child and all because of a tiny little digital face smiling back at me

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My New Prayer

freefalling

In just 48 hours I have derailed from my natural high and am now freefalling from a mountain top into nothingness

A part of me wants to pound on a punching bag until I am exhausted and sick to my stomach and the other part of me wants to wrap myself up in a fetal position and weep the day away for I am faced with another failed cycle.

What actually makes me think that we can conceive on our own still?

We have had a go at this baby making ritual for 32 fucking cycles and no baby.

I am the epitome of Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

What am I doing to myself? To my husband?

I’m angry today- just feeling like I want to throw in the towel already.

And give up? Quit?

Maybe it will just be my hubby and I after all.

But we are not quitters.

Pain slices through my heart.

My cheeks feel flushed

Are we forcing what is not meant to be?

Pray

A dear wise old woman once told me, when things get bad, to simply get down on your knees and pray.

So today I will do just that

(Thank you Ethel)

Pray for courage, strength, and direction

For no matter what we decide, we need to be ok with either outcome (baby or no baby).

And so my new prayer begins today:

“God, we want whatever You have for us. If Your plan includes no children, please give us the strength to walk that road. If I never have a child, I will worship You. I will serve You. I will do Your will, and be content with whatever that will is.”

Cycle Number 32: Letting Go of All Expectations

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“I flow freely and lovingly with life. I love myself. I know that only good awaits me at every turn”

I have had this Louis L. Hay card propped on my desk for weeks now and today I am especially taking notice of the words as I near the end of my two week wait.

I allowed my hopes to rise this cycle (32nd cycle since first beginning this journey) due to some strange symptoms that I took notice to a few days post ovulation.

The symptoms I experienced were an array of heartburn, indigestion, backaches, irritability, and lastly a huge bbt dip at 9,10, or 11 dpo.

With each new symptom, came another wave of hope and excitement.

By now, after so many failed cycles with similar symptoms, I should know better than to “symptom spot” but occasionally I allow myself the pleasure of doing just that- and this cycle was one such occasion.

I also divulged in my “happy place” visualizations:

I visualize baby and I taking our daily walk with my pups at our side, I imagine dh, baby and me lounging outside on a soft blanket spread out on our soft green grass..Me pointing out the chirping birds and fluttering butterflies, she giggles and coohs. The feeling of contentment surrounds us and settles peacefully in our souls.

I truly love this part of my cycle where I can dream openly and allow myself a sliver of hope that I actually might be pregnant -right this very second.

But I look back to my Louis L. Hay power thought card and let out a heavy sigh.

As I know my time is almost up and to let this all go.

Release the expectation.

Fold it up like an old cherished love letter and tuck it away in a book on the highest shelf for safe keeping.

Until next time.

Emptiness

Emptiness.

No tears fall.

But they need to.

For my heart aches. And aches some more.

Another cycle, another negative pregnancy test.

How can this be?

Another season soon to pass, and we are still not able to tell our family and close friends that we are pregnant.

I am numb at this point of my journey. In my heart deep down, I just know I will have a child one day, for I feel as if my child is already here with me, I see their eyes, feel the softness of their eyelashes, hear their laughter in my empty house. But yet, another cycle goes by and nothing. What am I being tested for? What is God’s plan for us? I have always been told I have a great amount of patience… but this…. so much time has passed since our miscarriage.  So much time.  My patience is surely being tested. It’s been 20 cycles…oh my goodness.

t-w-e-n-t-y.

gulp.

Days like this I need to dig deep.

Deeper than yesterday,  the day before that, and even the day before that.

Days like this I want to go into hiding. Hide from people with their growing families, hide from Facebook with the melodrama posts and endless flow of baby pictures and baby bumps, from busy parks full of meandering children about to play their first soccer game of the season. I just want to close my blinds, shut my door  and hide from the  world today.

For I feel like everyone who sees me- will be able to see right through me, right through to my soul. Will they know I failed again? Will they see the pain and heartache?  Will they feel the bitterness forming on my heart?

And the worst part about all of this, at least at the moment, is that  I still need to tell my DH that it’s a “no go” once again..Probably one of  the worst parts of a failed cycle.

For me anyway.

He is always such a love about the bad news, but I know his heart hurts as well. And I fear that the question will arise, not now, but soon… “when will enough –be enough?” And how will I respond? Don’t want to think about that now, but it’s there on my heavy aching heart as well.

Now the tears fall. Large big rolly polly tears streaming down my hot cheeks.

I’ll be better tomorrow.

Back on my knees today.

But tomorrow I’ll be better.

I always am.