She surrendered. She prayed. She leapt.

Sheleapt

First injection down and many more to go!

I woke up early this morning, so early that my room was still filled with darkness.

I immediately reached for my abdomen and began to pray.

I knew today was the start to something wonderful and amazing and I wanted to pray and send my gratitude’s.

This day has been a long time coming and the first injection has been my biggest worry up to this point and boy am I happy to report that it’s now behind me!

The injection itself was painless, although I admit; I got stage fright on my 3 count.

A reinactment sort of went like this:

1, 2, oh boy.

1, 2, wait.

1, 2- hmmm I’m being ridiculous now!

And then I took a long deep belly breath and let it all out… pinched my skin taught and in one quick like motion- in went the needle. I was surprised at the lack of feeling and had to look closely to make sure that the needle went in- yes sure did. Then I dispensed the medication-all done!

Ahhhh- what a relief!

Now I need all the prayers I can get.

Just to reiterate: I am on the highest dose of medication one can possibly be given.. Dr. S reminded me at my baseline ultrasound appointment this past Friday that he’s “throwing everything he has at me” to ensure that my ovaries respond as well as they possibly can. He also solemnly reminded me that if he doesn’t think he can get five eggs at transfer he will cancel the cycle. Gulp. Did he really need to remind me of this scenario? Shortly afterwards, he performed my antrafollicle count and found 4 follies on the left and 4 follies on the right. He said it was a good start- so here’s hoping!

Oh and the title of the post-

She surrendered. She prayed. She leapt.

Isn’t that lovely?

I received an early birthday present and card from my mom over the weekend. This card brought tears to my eyes. She always knows how to pick the perfect cards and this one is no different from the rest.

IVF is all about faith, surrendering, vulnerability, and courage.

I immediately displayed this card right smack dab on my refrigerator so that I have those beautiful words to look at and remember.

In the meantime I’ll be continuing with my daily meditations, weekly acupuncture, and beautiful crisp fall walks with my furry companions to help me get through these next few weeks.

Ps: I told my ovaries they are about to have the ride of their life- praying I’m right.

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My New Prayer

freefalling

In just 48 hours I have derailed from my natural high and am now freefalling from a mountain top into nothingness

A part of me wants to pound on a punching bag until I am exhausted and sick to my stomach and the other part of me wants to wrap myself up in a fetal position and weep the day away for I am faced with another failed cycle.

What actually makes me think that we can conceive on our own still?

We have had a go at this baby making ritual for 32 fucking cycles and no baby.

I am the epitome of Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

What am I doing to myself? To my husband?

I’m angry today- just feeling like I want to throw in the towel already.

And give up? Quit?

Maybe it will just be my hubby and I after all.

But we are not quitters.

Pain slices through my heart.

My cheeks feel flushed

Are we forcing what is not meant to be?

Pray

A dear wise old woman once told me, when things get bad, to simply get down on your knees and pray.

So today I will do just that

(Thank you Ethel)

Pray for courage, strength, and direction

For no matter what we decide, we need to be ok with either outcome (baby or no baby).

And so my new prayer begins today:

“God, we want whatever You have for us. If Your plan includes no children, please give us the strength to walk that road. If I never have a child, I will worship You. I will serve You. I will do Your will, and be content with whatever that will is.”