Denial or Hope?

I don’t want to try IVF.


I am scared.

I woke up this past weekend telling my hubby this.

The act is so final to me.

It could be the beginning or the end.

And  I need to be ok with both outcomes before I attempt IVF- and I am just not there yet.

Am I wallowing in a state of denial? Am I delaying the inevitable?

I am just not ready to believe that IVF is the only way to have our baby.

Baby-Not babies?

Has too much time passed to have more than one?

Oh the thought hurts.

But that is where I am at now.. so much time has passed…

Three years in May.

Something has to give.

Going on week two of changing my diet.

Low carb with tons of vegetables and natural sources of protein.

I feel great-actually the best I have felt in a long while.

I had a fertility massage over the weekend to help energize my ovaries – doing all that I can to help my body do what it was designed to do and be the perfect environment for baby R to sprout and grow.

My fertile window is opening up today and my optimism for spontaneous conception is high once again.. here I go jumping on the roller coaster of hope once again.


I believe.


December Twenty Two

Today would have been my Grandma M’s birthday. I am unsure of how old she would have been, she left us and went to heaven twelve years ago. Loved my Grandma and I miss her dearly. She was such a big part of my childhood memories… So I will honor her by listing a few things that she loved:

roses and her rose garden, pink lipstick, white shoulders perfume, shopping, baking, blankets, her cat Moose, laughing, volunteering at the VFW and all things pink.

Love you Grandma and Happy Birthday!

birthday  cake gma

I woke up early again this morning, despite staying up late and watching Christmas movies on Lifetime. Why are those movies, so sappy-but so darn good?

It’s been rainy and windy all night, and the wind was howling so loudly that my pups even woke up and started barking, which they never do!

christmas tree

Christmas is a short three days away..Our tree is decorated, presents are wrapped, the first batch of fudge and cookies are made, and yet something is missing…


My child.

I long for her.

And my heart aches.

Next month, will mark our two year date of our loss. January has always been a hard month for me, and it seems like it will be forever tainted.

It’s these early morning hours that get to me the most.

It’s the silence.

The deafening silence leaving me to my thoughts…

On a positive note… I did feel ovulation this month, which I normally never do. I take it as a good sign, of course.

I confirmed it with my RE when I had my “check up” appointment on Wednesday and he showed me the corpus luteum on the ultrasound screen.

Confirmed O is always good.

I, of course, have a wee bit of hope for spontaneous conception this month, even though we were technically taking a break, and technically only did the deed once during my fertile time.. I still have hope.. and even my RE commented that “it only takes one”

Wouldn’t that be a Christmas Miracle? Conceiving the one month we didn’t try… it happens for others, plenty of others… Prayers of course are being sent.

Oh and yes, my appointment this past week, still determined that I would need surgery to remove the uterine polyp that is so happily feeling quite at home in my body. Not too happy about that and never thought my first surgery would entail something like this, but life is funny. So January twenty five will be my surgery day unless of course, a Christmas Miracle occurs.

I believe