My New Prayer

freefalling

In just 48 hours I have derailed from my natural high and am now freefalling from a mountain top into nothingness

A part of me wants to pound on a punching bag until I am exhausted and sick to my stomach and the other part of me wants to wrap myself up in a fetal position and weep the day away for I am faced with another failed cycle.

What actually makes me think that we can conceive on our own still?

We have had a go at this baby making ritual for 32 fucking cycles and no baby.

I am the epitome of Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

What am I doing to myself? To my husband?

I’m angry today- just feeling like I want to throw in the towel already.

And give up? Quit?

Maybe it will just be my hubby and I after all.

But we are not quitters.

Pain slices through my heart.

My cheeks feel flushed

Are we forcing what is not meant to be?

Pray

A dear wise old woman once told me, when things get bad, to simply get down on your knees and pray.

So today I will do just that

(Thank you Ethel)

Pray for courage, strength, and direction

For no matter what we decide, we need to be ok with either outcome (baby or no baby).

And so my new prayer begins today:

“God, we want whatever You have for us. If Your plan includes no children, please give us the strength to walk that road. If I never have a child, I will worship You. I will serve You. I will do Your will, and be content with whatever that will is.”

My Birthday Prayer

 

I woke up on my birthday early. Even with the recent time change, my bedroom was still dark as my eyes opened at 4:30 am. I lay in bed for a long while, soaking in the stillness of the morning, thanking God for another year and praying. Part of my prayer was that on my next birthday (my 33rd) at this very hour, I would be gently rocking my baby in my arms.

 

As I prayed; a vision came to me so perfectly and so clearly that I could actually feel what it would be like to be in that space.

 

There I was just a few doors down from my bedroom, the once empty room – now a soothing and comforting nursery… rocking in a chair that glided easily in a back and forward motion while cuddling my little one in my arms…maybe I am breastfeeding her or simply cooing her back to sleep, but there we are together; momma and baby. I take turns studying her face and looking out the window at the birch trees as they sway from side to side.  Their golden leaves dancing in the wind, some leaving the safety of their branch-swirling down to earth.. ever so delicately…I look back to my little one and our eyes lock in knowingness that our long standing prayers have been answered at last.

 

Yes this is my birthday prayer and I will do my best, no matter the disappointment and heartache of this journey, to continue to visualize this until it becomes a reality.

 

~kss