In just 48 hours I have derailed from my natural high and am now freefalling from a mountain top into nothingness
A part of me wants to pound on a punching bag until I am exhausted and sick to my stomach and the other part of me wants to wrap myself up in a fetal position and weep the day away for I am faced with another failed cycle.
What actually makes me think that we can conceive on our own still?
We have had a go at this baby making ritual for 32 fucking cycles and no baby.
I am the epitome of Albert Einstein’s famous quote:
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”
What am I doing to myself? To my husband?
I’m angry today- just feeling like I want to throw in the towel already.
And give up? Quit?
Maybe it will just be my hubby and I after all.
But we are not quitters.
Pain slices through my heart.
My cheeks feel flushed
Are we forcing what is not meant to be?
A dear wise old woman once told me, when things get bad, to simply get down on your knees and pray.
So today I will do just that
(Thank you Ethel)
Pray for courage, strength, and direction
For no matter what we decide, we need to be ok with either outcome (baby or no baby).
And so my new prayer begins today:
“God, we want whatever You have for us. If Your plan includes no children, please give us the strength to walk that road. If I never have a child, I will worship You. I will serve You. I will do Your will, and be content with whatever that will is.”