The Magic of Estrogen

This past week has been amazing.

First off, thank goodness for estrogen. Without this “feel good” hormone- I don’t know how I would have come to my most recent revelation.

Quick lesson on estrogen: early on in our cycle, around CD 6-8, estrogen levels begin to climb, this helps stabilize our emotions by increasing serotonin, giving us more energy, making us feel sexier and prettier-more feminine. This amazing hormone increases your sex drive at just the right time to make a baby.

 

I have also noticed that during this time, my creative energy goes into overdrive. I wake up early in the morning, full of ideas. The ideas mostly have to do with my home and the changes that I want to make, for example a paint color for one of my walls or a new plant or tree for my yard … or other times it’s a solution to a problem that I have been pondering. During this time I also feel more connected to people around me, and actually want to make connections rather than be my usual private self.

Yes, this is a time during our cycle of wonderful awakening of our mind, body and spirit.

I never really thought too much about why our body endures this awakening, until this past week when everything became perfectly clear.

I realized that our body is set on automatic pilot,  and for the most part it is in perfect rhythm with what it needs to do…producing estrogen early on in our cycle, to rev up our energy and prompt us to feel the urge to make love, after the sexual glow is gone, our body produces progesterone and takes over our body like a warm blanket… keeping everything warm -just in case an embryo is growing…If pregnancy is not achieved, it sheds the lining of old and gets ready for new… again on automatic pilot not stopping unless we interfere.

Either by what we put in our bodies or what we put in our minds.

I admit, I have been doing both.

I’ve been tinkering with this natural process for a long time now. I realized that after my miscarriage…when I didn’t get pregnant again right away, I started feeling desperate. The desperation  started soon after  I went in for a normal annual exam a few months after my miscarriage. The nurse practitioner who I saw for my appointment labeled me with infertility and recommended that I needed to be seen in their infertility office right away.  I panicked and didn’t question. I wanted to get pregnant again so badly, that I forgot to let my body and mind do their magic and have been trying something new almost every cycle since that diagnosis. The something new could be as small as taking a new herb, or seeing an acupuncturist, decreasing my caffeine or as big as, and most recently taking prescription medication.

And now my dh and I were actually pondering injectibles and IVF.

 

It’s overwhelming to me as I look back on these past two years….and how things started escalating from one new option to the next. It felt like the more that I pushed for an answer or tried a new regime the further I was from our baby.

 

I am finally at a place where I have stopped and am coming up for air.

 

After my revelation a new word has popped in my head and it won’t leave.

 

The word is TRUST

 

Every time my old doubts or fears come in – I take a breath and hear my inner voice say:

 

Trust.

 

 

I know deep in my heart that my body knows what it needs to do. I have altered the process both consciously and unconsciously… to a point, that I ended up with a large 23 mm cyst on my ovary, a uterine polyp; that may or may not need to be removed, the diagnosis of unexplained infertility and still no baby.

 

I gave myself these things. Not the drugs or the doctors that examined and tested me.

 

No, it’s me. I take full responsibility.

 

I made this discovery this past week, while my body naturally produced estrogen throughout my body, yes the “feel good” hormone rushing through my body allowed me to be present and hear what I needed to hear.

 

I have been giving away my power through all of this and I am taking a stand and pulling it back where it belongs, with me.

 Trusting

Knowing

Allowing

Creating

I’m back!

kss

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And it begins…. My Two Week Wait

Just finished up a mighty busy week and feeling quite calm this early Saturday morning. The sun is shining her beautiful golden hue, filling up the front of my house, my sweet husband and two doggies are nestled in their beds sleeping peacefully, and I am reflecting on my prosperous week in the early morning stillness.

First off, today is Cycle Day 18- and I am officially 3 days past ovulation, meaning  that once again, my ovulation has been confirmed. This makes me so very happy. Not only did we have plenty of well-timed BD this past week, but we had a successful IUI performed the day of O! I was very lucky to have tested twice on Cycle Day 14 or I would have very well missed my window of opportunity. Thanks goodness I listened to my intuition to test again after my acupuncture appointment. I just had a feeling. And I was right. Got my smiley face OPK.

(Picked these the morning of my IUI- Flowers calm me and give me energy at once and these smelled lovely)

OK so the IUI experience in a nut shell:

Exciting. Akward. (Holding DH sperm in a sample cup between your girls to stay warm-is not an everyday occurrence Easy. Painless.  Pap smear-like. (Except instead of the swab-you are getting your hubby’s cleaned super sperm injected into your lady parts) Bright Lights.  Hopeful. Emotional. Content.

Do I have high hopes for this cycle? Unfortunately, yes I do. How do I not? My very first cycle with Femara (super ovulater drug) and lots of BD and IUI! What is not to love about that fertility inducing cocktail?  The other thing I have going for me this cycle, is that my actual testing day (14 days past O) falls on 8/8. This was my angel babies estimated due date last year. Finding out that we are pregnant on this special date would mean the world to me and so much more. Knowing that something so very special could be happening during this time, gives me peace of mind, and more hope than ever before. I feel the stars aligning. I feel positive. He or She is ready to come back.

Its’ time.

 

“Que sera sera

Whatever will be                        

will be

The future’s not ours to see

Que sera sera

What will be

will be”

 

K Sirah Sirah

The Big Leap

Today is cycle day three of my twenty fourth cycle of “officially” TTC our healthy take home baby.

I never in a million years thought I would reach the two year mark.  Two Years.

I remember when I thought five months of TTC was a long time. I remember the excitement of using a BBT thermometer and charting my cycles for the first time and thinking that the next month would be it. And then another cycle goes by and then another.  Naturally my perspective has changed since then.

So, the big leap is what I am calling our (my husband and I‘s) decision to move forward with both Femara and IUI. This plan had been recommended to us as a first step, by my RE last December of 2011. I remember that day so well, a crisp cool, sunny December day- the discussion went smoothly, and our RE went through the four options that were available to us.  With each new option revealed he would release a long finger from his clenched fist, just going down the line- starting with Clomid and the last option being the big daddy- IVF. Being that I was only 31 and had been pregnant (although resulting in a loss) before, he was optimistic that we just needed a little extra help for a viable pregnancy. He said the first step would be to try a few cycles with Clomid, but when I told him of the vision issues that Clomid had caused me, he said there was no way he would prescribe me Clomid and instead suggested Femara. The medication, Femara, is in a class of drug called aromatase inhibitors and has been mainly used, and originally created, to treat certain cases of breast cancer. The thought of taking a medication used to treat breast cancer for creating a baby both confused me and scared me.

I remember leaving the appointment full of disappointment, after waiting so many fearful months of not knowing what was wrong with me, and then to leave my Dr’s office with the official diagnosis of….drum roll please…. ‘unexplained infertility”, and a prescription for a drug that treated breast cancer, I just felt I was at a loss and wanted to crawl in a far away cave and never come out.  Medically speaking my husband and I were perfectly healthy and by our RE’s perspective should have no problem conceiving.  I decided not to fill my Femara prescription that day. I am not sure if it was because I was angry we didn’t have a solid answer of why we hadn’t conceived yet or disappointed with the first step solution or both. Walking out to our car, my super supportive husband turned to me and told me he would back me with whatever decision I made. I wasn’t ready to take meds, or anything else our RE had suggested, so I just decided that we would just keep trying naturally. Because at that exact moment standing in the hospital parking lot, and looking at my husband, I really had thought that we could conceive on our own and would shortly thereafter.  But we didn’t.

Fast forward seven cycles later. We made the leap.

I contacted my RE on cycle day one (two days ago). I told him I was ready for both Femara and IUI. Pleading with him now, I was ready for the help. You know how sometimes people say, admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing? That is how I felt by contacting my RE and saying we were ready for the next step. It was like I finally was admitting to myself that having our healthy baby wasn’t going to happen the way I had once thought. No friends, perfectly time intercourse for months and months on end does not always equal a baby and I finally am coming to terms with this.

So today I start taking my magic pill to help my body “super ovulate”

superovulation, or controlled ovarian hyperstimulation.

I am scared, excited, nervous, and hopeful all at once. My emotions are running high. There is excitement in the air- a new energy that has filled my household and I am even feeling a little frisky- and on cycle day three- this never happens!

Yes! It has been a long road thus far, and I know the road is yet even longer, but we made the leap and I am so very happy we did.

Chow.

K Sirah Sirah

“I will never test early again. I repeat- I will never test early again” ~Cycle day Twenty Five / Twelve days past ovulation

Really really wish my spirits were higher than they currently are right now. My usual bout of optimism, enthusiasm, and hope during the last leg of my cycle has vanished.  Poof! Gone.  And all because I tested early yesterday. Trust me, I did try and stop myself- I lay in bed and wrestled with the pros and cons of testing now or waiting it out, while my dear husband slept soundly beside me. Believe me; I had full disclosure of all the bad feelings that could come my way with a stark white negative pregnancy test. But the possibility of getting a positive test and celebrating all day long with my love won the battle and I decided to TEST! I leapt out of bed (actually I slid out of bed quietly and tip toed out of the room, not to wake my hubby). I grabbed my HPT -the new kind “wondfo” that I had never used before. After dipping the skinny flimsy stick into my FMU (first morning urine), I sat staring as the liquid ran across the stick, my heart beating loudly, my breath a bit shallow, and not moving an inch. The test line began turning into a bright pink thick line. I braced myself for a possible second line to form. I waited and waited and nothing. I then picked up the test stick and brought it to my home office (the sunniest and brightest room of the house at 5:30 in the morning) where I laid it down flat on my white desk. I glanced at my clock- three more minutes before I would learn my fate. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the space sitting to the left of the bright pink thick test line glared back at me depicting the whitest blankest space that I had ever seen. No evaporation line, no indent that makes you hold the test in a million different places to try and catch better lighting that would show a smidge of a line. NADA. Nothing. Gulp. Then the feelings of remorse for testing early come flooding in… then the feelings of failure, and defeat, and sorrow not to mention sadness. It is right then and there that I promise myself while holding yet another BFN test in my hands that I will never ever test early again. Just can’t handle the pain of seeing the stark white blank space of emptiness staring back at me.

Yes, yesterday was a hard day, but today my friends is a new day and although my spirits are still a bit down, I am feeling a wee bit better and I believe the no testing helped. I decided to enjoy one or two more days, with feelings of hope and faith, knowing that there still might actually be the mere possibility of seeing a second pink line this cycle.

“Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen. It gives us assurance about things we cannot see” (Hebrews 1:11)

Peace.

K Sirah Sirah

Official Business ~ Cycle Day Fifteen

Today is a really, really good day. For a few reason really, it’s a Friday, the sun is shining, I leave for vacation in T-minus two days and…drum roll please…. I received my cross hairs on my Ovulation chart this morning!  For many of you who are TTC you know the amazing feeling you receive when Ovulation has been confirmed and you receive those magical red lines solidifying the big “O”. For those of you who are not familiar with Fertility Charting, you may be wondering what ‘getting cross hairs” means. Well, let me quickly explain the logistics behind charting and how you achieve your cross hairs. Quite simply:  you track your daily bbt (basal body temperature), CM (cervical mucus), OPK results (negative or positive), and when you and your lover- baby dance. ***No I don’t even call it sex anymore- and yes,  I agree it is creepy that we actually call it a baby dance and not doing the nasty, making love,  or plain old  f$%&*#g.*** Anyhow, you enter this information daily and pay attention to a sustained thermal shift of your bbt reading, normally happens mid cycle. Once you see a sustained shift, followed by two more days of higher temps, ovulation is confirmed. You can either track this manually or in my case, and in my opinion a whole lot more exciting, allow Fertility Friend’s computer software to track and confirm your Ovulation for you. It really does feel like Christmas morning when you enter in your daily information and poof- your chart changes in an instant right before your eyes; colors change, you receive cross hairs, and Walla – you are already 3dpo (three days past ovulation) and in other words three days closer to finding out if you are PREGNANT!

Many of you might be thinking – “geez that seems like a lot of work”  but personally, I love charting my cycles, as I thoroughly enjoy analyzing data and statistics, especially when it has to do with me. 🙂  This process also has allowed me to tune into my body even more now than ever. For instance, this month based on all of my signs, I knew I would O earlier than usual this cycle and in fact I did. For some charting stresses them out, for me it would stress me out even more if I didn’t chart. Bonus for me- I have found that this website (fertilityfriend.com) where I chart, offers a support group full of TTC’ers and this has especially helped me along this long up and down journey of trying to make a baby. Just being able to connect with others going through the same experience as me, it almost feels like a daily therapy session. For those of you who feel isolated in this whole TTC journey, I highly suggest you scout out sites like FertilityFriend or BabyCenter, and hope they help you as they have helped me.

So it is days like this, when all my consistent charting of this new cycle (cycle number 23) has paid off and O is officially confirmed, that I truly feel blessed to be able to know and actually understand what my body is doing.  I have confirmation that she has released a ripe beautiful egg that is hopefully, as I am typing this, meeting up with the other half of our baby (DH sperm) and merging together and burrowing herself  in the deep dark depths of my body where they will hide out and fertilize becoming our rainbow take home baby. Awwwww such a peaceful and harmonious visual.

And thus the “Two Week Wait” begins…

Toodle Roo.

K Sirah Sirah

Special Delivery

Image

No, not that kind of special delivery. But one that us TTC’ers get just as excited about-well almost. Yes friends, a ginormous box arrived on my doorstep  full of OPK’s and HPT’s and as if that weren’t enough a twenty count box of Clearblue Digital OPK’s.. yes the one that gives you a smiley face when it’s positive. Woohooo! My package came yesterday via FedEx and I couldn’t be happier. You see, normally I order my OPK and HPT supply from early-pregnancy-tests.com and this cycle, as I happened to be running dangerously low,  decided to order a special brand called Wondfo from Amazon . All the ladies on Fertility Friend rave about these tests and this month I decided I would see what all the fuss was about and order the new product. Also, me being me,  thinks that trying something new may actually bring me some extra special “baby dust” of some sort.( Yes, I actually believe this )So in a day or two I will break these bad boys open and start my POAS obsession until I O! Awwww I just  love my life. Stay tuned.

Toodle loo.

K Sirah Sirah