Milestones & 12 Weeks!

I hit the “magical” 12 week milestone yesterday of pregnancy. What is it with this 12 week mark that makes you feel like you’ve made it over a huge hump?

And speaking of milestones here are some other recent ones to share:

  • I “graduated” from weekly acupuncture appointments to once monthly
  • I officially can no longer button my favorite skinny AG jeans
  • I am being treated as a normal pregnant woman at my OBGYN’s office as everything is progressing well- I haven’t been considered  “normal” at a doctors office in nearly three years!
  • I haven’t thrown up in two days! Could nausea actually be disappearing for good?
  • No more Progesterone shots or Estrace pills!
  • And I actually allowed myself to start looking online at nursery furniture and bedding the other morning and fell in love with this new ruffle bedding from Pottery Barn- adorable right?

ruffle bedding 2

At this time I am just trying to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, besides the anxiousness that arises every now and then, it’s actually been very easy for me. As I truly love being pregnant and I already feel like it is going by way too fast! I mean 12 weeks already? I’ll be in the second trimester in a blink with even more milestones to list.

Days like this I truly realize how lucky I am to be pregnant given my DOR diagnoses and low odds of conception. I fought going the IVF route for so long and feel so very thankful that we took the leap of faith when we did. It’s scary, as there is so much that is unknown until you actually go through the process and know how your body is going to respond.

I thank the Lord every morning when I wake up and feel my growing belly or see how happy my husband is- knowing that we are finally having our love child.  Lately, I have moments that I just want to wrap up and keep in my heart forever.

These are truly some of the best days of my life.

Xo

Embracing Pregnancy after Infertility

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My short hiatus is officially over.

 

I needed a break over the holiday like I have never felt before.

 

As soon as I finished my last final of the year, I closed my laptop and didn’t open it again until this past weekend. I craved silence from school and work demands and knew I needed to shut it all down; for both my sanity and health.

 

I admit, my first few weeks after learning we were successful with our IVF cycle felt a bit strange. Almost as if I didn’t belong anywhere.  I wanted to embrace my pregnancy with open arms and joy and yet all my past disappointments and hurts blurred the lines. I was happy- but didn’t want to feel “too happy” and I wanted to shout my long awaited news from the roof tops and yet at the same time I didn’t want to tell a soul just in case I jinxed my pregnancy- and is that even a thing?

 

What I have come to discover is that infertility robs us of something in our soul even after we become pregnant. The pure and innocent joy of pregnancy isn’t processed the same way for those that have struggled with infertility.  We are pregnant and yet still feel raw from the other side that is nipping at our heels and fear inches its way in and is difficult to overcome despite our dreams finally coming true.

Even after our second ultrasound, when our OB announced that everything looked perfect and that based on everything he saw our chance of miscarriage decreased to 3%, I still wasn’t feeling any better. Thankfully a few days later I forced myself to snap out of my reluctant and fear based fog.

 

Embracing this pregnancy was what I had forgotten to do. I was still stuck in this strange place of disappointment and failure and yet I had a being growing inside me with a heartbeat and all. I decided that no matter what happened during this pregnancy, I needed to govern that which I had control of; my emotional personal response to finally becoming pregnant after three long years of  struggling to conceive. I began to embrace this little miracle inside me a few days before Christmas and joy overcame the fear. I felt as though I was opening the curtains of an old log cabin to let the sun shine through for the first time in years. I felt the warmth and allowed myself to be in the moment with this being (our child) growing inside my womb. I’ve since been much more relaxed and open to this side of the journey; pregnancy after infertility. Some days are harder than others, and that is when I kindly remind myself to embrace this experience and feel the joy that is flowing inside me.

 

Today I am 10 weeks and three days pregnant. Tears fill my eyes as I look at my most recent ultrasound picture that I am proudly displaying on my fridge; our little one is beginning to look like an actual baby now, her little arm is sticking up as if waiving to us all.

baby r 10 weeks

 

Joy.

 

Pure joy.

Pre-IVF Consult

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Quick update:

I had my second pre IVF consultation this past week and it looks like we will officially begin our IVF cycle mid October (the cycle after next)!

To summarize both consultations simply:

~My AMH went up to 1.26 from .48 in just seven months-my RE is very happy with the increase! (So am I)

~I will be put on the most aggressive protocol there is due to my DOR diagnosis.

~After my mock transfer I have been coined with an “easy” uterus to work with.

~RE wants to rule out Fragile X gene with a blood test this next coming week.

~ Lastly my husband and I were instructed to start practicing giving injections and were each given needles
photo

He is to practice on an orange and I a pillow.

This is beginning to feel very real to me.

Atlas I feel like this is finally our time.

Special Message

babyshower

Surrounded by a room full of mothers today.

Both young and old, some pregnant, some even holding newborn babies.

All joined for one purpose; to celebrate and “shower” a wonderful and amazing new mother.

I met this person over a year ago in a support group for infertility. She has walked in my shoes, endured loss and suffering, persevered and now she’s a new mom.

I stopped attending baby showers a long time ago as they are simply too difficult for me to endure, but today’s was different, and I wanted to be there for my courageous friend.

I looked to the beaming new mother in awe and admiration.

I saw her unwavering faith, gratitude, and strength.

Seeing her in this light, knowing that she has walked a similar fertility challenged path, and now seeing her on the other side as a proud mamma gives me nothing but  strength and determination.

I left the shower with a feeling of empowerment, of lightness, and hope.

Just the message my soul needed on this beautiful day.

In an Instant

stormy sky

And in one simple instant, the wind beneath my wings is gone. The joyfulness in my eyes disappears and the ache in my heart returns.

When I heard the news this morning my heart skipped a beat, my chest tightened, and tears sprang to my eyes all before I could even process what was being said.

She’s pregnant.

She told me that they were going to start trying after the New Year.

And a little over one month later-she’s pregnant.

How are some people so lucky? One moth trying and pregnant? I would give anything to know what that would be like; the innocence, the purity, the bliss of it all. No strings attached, just having sex and next thing you know- two pink lines.

I’m angry with myself for feeling this way. Embarrassed really.

Will I ever be able to just be happy for these women? Will these feelings of jealousy and sadness ever go away? Will their happiness continue to trigger my sadness?

When I hear of pregnancy announcements, I instantly feel waves of my grief wash over me all over again … I try and push it away.. but the pain and sadness is there forcing me to face my loss-my failure –to remember it all.

Lately, I have been doing a very good job about not focusing on my fertility issues. With being on birth control, planning for and having surgery, and school and work keeping me busy, its’ been a really nice distraction.

But in a moment- one announcement jars me right out of “distraction land” and right back into the thick of it-just like that.

My stomach turns to knots, my smile fades.

I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I am done-finished.

The sky is gray today, to match my mood.

The rain will come later and I welcome it.

Thankfully my DH and I have a post op appointment with our Reproductive Specialist tomorrow to ensure that my uterus is healing properly, after the hysteroscopy and to discuss the next steps and to formulate a plan.

A plan that will answer our prayers.   rainbow

kss

Polyp-less at last…

Officially my polyps have been removed.  And yes, my polyp went to  polyp(S) as in plural, multiple, more than one. A handful in fact… even though we had thought we were only dealing with one, my doctor found multiple.

 Apparently once the procedure had begun, my doctor was able to see a whole lot more inside my uterus and was able to find a few more very small polyps around the larger one.. Again just confirming the importance of me having had this surgery.

 The surgery itself (Hysteroscopy with Polypectomy Removal), which took place this past Friday, went really well. The hardest part, quite honestly, was getting the IV in my arm before surgery. With never having surgery before, I was taken by surprise when I was told that the kind male nurse would need to put an IV in my arm-and began having a slight panic attack, hands shaking –heart racing. Eventually, he being was successful with the placement of the IV and I had them cover it up so I wouldn’t have to look at the scariness of a needle going into my arm. Soon thereafter my lovely, peppy blond haired anesthesiologist came over and gave me a “little something” to help me relax…she described it as having two big glasses of wine.. Ahhhhh it was all good after that.. soon I was transferred to the surgery room: bright, big, freezing cold, and I remember thinking that it looked just as it does in the movies.. then my RE began speaking, reviewing the surgery instructions to everyone in the room, and the next thing I knew I was waking up in recovery. How do you wake up from being awake? I do not know, but it was fantastic!

Walla –just like that, easy as pie.

 

 

In recovery, I had some dull cramping that was progressively getting worse, so they gave me “a little something” more for the pain..instant happiness I tell you..  than in walked my very handsome husband who I was so very happy to see. He was soon at my side explaining to me what our Doctor had revealed about the surgery, it all kind of sounded like wah-wahh-wah.. then I found myself crying with happy tears.. knowing that it was finally over. Within minutes of seeing my husband, they discharged and soon enough I was home sweet home resting on my cozy couch with my two little doggies cuddling on me. Being that I hadn’t eaten in almost 24 hours –my hubby and I ordered my favorite comfort food, Round Table Pizza, and I spent the remainder of the night relaxing on the couch.

 Later in the evening, once my head began to clear, I thought about this chapter being over,  and began to feel very excited for the possibilities of fertility re-entering my life… I have such a peace with my surgery results, and am praying for a solid month of healing and cleansing.. so that my body is prepared from head to toe to make and keep our baby.

 

Yes, my friends, my hopes are up once again.

And this time it feels oh so good!

It’s H-a-p-p-e-n-i-n-g!

My surgery that is.

Yesterday I went in to have my preoperative appointment with my RE for my Hysteroscopy and Polypectomy surgery which is scheduled for next Friday January twenty-five.

hysteroscopy

He double checked, actually at this point and on my account-quadruple checked my uterine polyp.

He confirmed, that yes, it was still there and yes I still needed surgery.

After the quick ultra sound check, my husband and I went into his office to discuss the actual procedure and listened to step by step descriptions of what will take place next Friday. He also explained all of the risks associated with the procedure and a few “what if” scenarios that I would have rather not listened to.

fingers-in-ears

Our conversation left me feeling slightly more confident about the surgery, with the confirmed rewards (increased fertility and possible pregnancy there after) that agreeably outweighed the risks (possible infection and well “other risks” not to be mentioned, but associated with me not being able to write on this blog anymore…)

After our candid conversation detailing the mechanics of the surgery, my RE asked if I had any other questions. Of course, I had to ask, forgetting about the surgery all together; what our next steps fertility wise, after the surgery -were? He responded by saying, first things first and that we would further discuss the options and our next move at our postoperative appointment. He did at that point, instruct us not to TTC for at least one full cycle after surgery, as my uterus wouldn’t be completely healed yet. This pushes us out until March- Or even longer if my cycle gets messed up from the pack and a half of birth control pills that I have been taking to “quite my lady parts ” before the surgery…uggg…more waiting…. certainly one thing I can do very well.

Sad-Woman-by-Rob-LeeAt this point this journey is starting to blur and blend all together… my miscarriage, the numerous ultrasounds, blood work and tests results, my official diagnosis of unexplained infertility, the months and months of acupuncture, the never ending supply of herbs, the unsuccessful Femara and IUI cycles that we were so very hopeful for, the cysts that were found after the Femara, the many failed cycles one after the other, the second opinion that revealed my uterine polyp, my low AMH and high FSH results, and now surgery…

 

 

 

 

 

What in the world? How has it come to this?

In all honesty, this just makes me more determined than ever! This is our year.

It has to be.

Bring it 2013.

 

bring it on