32 Weeks and Taking a Peaceful Breath

week 32

Oh my goodness- it’s been a long time! This past month has flown by and I cannot believe I haven’t posted in 4 whole weeks! Below is my most recent update along with some photos to share with you of what I have been up to lately!

 How far along: 32 Weeks and 4 days

 Total Weight Gain/Loss: Since 27 Weeks I have gained another 6 pounds so 131 lbs.

Maternity clothes: Oh yes. I ventured into Pea in the Pod and Motherhood for the first time the other day and came out with three new dresses and two really soft tank tops.

Stretch marks: Not yet- but my tummy is full of blue veins.

Sleep: Better. Sleeping really deep lately, and literally fall asleep the minute my head touches the pillow. Still waking up early, but getting used to that and finding that early morning between 5:30-6:30 am is my favorite time of day.

Best moment last week: Finally buying my crib! (Thank you Mom!) I chose the Catalina from PBK and I am so relieved I have a crib sitting in my garage waiting to be put together – yay!

catalina

Movement: Like crazy! This little one moves quite a bit and last week I either saw a foot or a hand poking through and it was the cutest thing ever! Actually the site surprised me and of course I got emotional and started crying.

(Growing a baby is simply amazing! )

Food cravings/Aversions: Good bye aversions – hello cravings and the ultimate love of food. Oh my goodness, everything tastes so delicious these days, and I am so happy that we have summer fruit galore; watermelons, grapes, strawberries, juicy nectarines- yum. Now I am just eyeing my green tomatoes growing in my garden and cannot wait to make tomato sandwiches once they have vine ripened. (English muffin, mayo, tomato, and salt) mmmmm and a little avocado and red onion wouldn’t hurt either!

 Mood/Energy: Slowing down finally, but my nesting has kicked into full gear. As we are nearing the end of our mini home remodel project, I have the organization and cleaning bug and thank goodness lots of energy. Looking forward to putting my home back together in the next few weeks before baby’s arrival.

Labor signs: Nope –just good ol’ Braxton Hicks- as my uterus is preparing.

Belly button: Stretched and odd looking.

 What I miss: Nothing at the moment- super content and happy!

What I am looking forward to: Starting my hypnobirthing classes, next ultrasound, hospital tour, putting my nursery together, and my baby shower next weekend! Below is an example of my baby shower invitation-although mine is so much cuter!  How adorable is this:

baby shower invitation 

 

Milestones: 32 Weeks baby & the last trimester! Countdown is officially on and  according to my midwife I have 6-10 weeks to go until we meet our miracle baby!

And lately:

laguna beach31 Weeks PregnantPups SleepingCountertops In

Laguna Beach mini vacation with my sister and brother in law, me at 31 Weeks, my adorable pups, and my new ‘sea pearl’ quartzite counter tops!

Milestones & 12 Weeks!

I hit the “magical” 12 week milestone yesterday of pregnancy. What is it with this 12 week mark that makes you feel like you’ve made it over a huge hump?

And speaking of milestones here are some other recent ones to share:

  • I “graduated” from weekly acupuncture appointments to once monthly
  • I officially can no longer button my favorite skinny AG jeans
  • I am being treated as a normal pregnant woman at my OBGYN’s office as everything is progressing well- I haven’t been considered  “normal” at a doctors office in nearly three years!
  • I haven’t thrown up in two days! Could nausea actually be disappearing for good?
  • No more Progesterone shots or Estrace pills!
  • And I actually allowed myself to start looking online at nursery furniture and bedding the other morning and fell in love with this new ruffle bedding from Pottery Barn- adorable right?

ruffle bedding 2

At this time I am just trying to enjoy every moment of my pregnancy, besides the anxiousness that arises every now and then, it’s actually been very easy for me. As I truly love being pregnant and I already feel like it is going by way too fast! I mean 12 weeks already? I’ll be in the second trimester in a blink with even more milestones to list.

Days like this I truly realize how lucky I am to be pregnant given my DOR diagnoses and low odds of conception. I fought going the IVF route for so long and feel so very thankful that we took the leap of faith when we did. It’s scary, as there is so much that is unknown until you actually go through the process and know how your body is going to respond.

I thank the Lord every morning when I wake up and feel my growing belly or see how happy my husband is- knowing that we are finally having our love child.  Lately, I have moments that I just want to wrap up and keep in my heart forever.

These are truly some of the best days of my life.

Xo

Frozen in Time

ali 1

Take away this pain

Silent and steady

Bubbling now with more frequency

One moment I am a fighter

As strong as Ali

And in a blink of an eye, after one innocent reminder, I collapse in despair

I believe we can

And then I don’t

I see her fuzzy sweet smelling head, soft to the touch, her big brown eyes

And then she’s gone

Tears won’t even fall anymore-perhaps they are all used up

Feelings of inadequacy, loss, angst, and fear compound and materialize as my sense of direction becomes frozen in time

This pain inside gets louder, more intense, as the center of my heart becomes strained and burdened with the anticipation of deciding what to do next

IVF, for me, represents the last attempt of having our biological child

If we pursue IVF and the procedure does not work-then what?

Perhaps I am still in denial, but I truly believe we will conceive on our own

I wonder if this belief is stronger because my desire to conceive is more heartfelt, or if it’s more transparent because my fear of IVF and what it represents to me that makes me avoid the act all together?

I feel as if I am on a teeter totter that never allows me to fully put my feet on the ground

Here I am suspended in space; waiting and anticipating

I long for this to be over

But my longing and desire for our child is even greater; forcing me to put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving

My New Prayer

freefalling

In just 48 hours I have derailed from my natural high and am now freefalling from a mountain top into nothingness

A part of me wants to pound on a punching bag until I am exhausted and sick to my stomach and the other part of me wants to wrap myself up in a fetal position and weep the day away for I am faced with another failed cycle.

What actually makes me think that we can conceive on our own still?

We have had a go at this baby making ritual for 32 fucking cycles and no baby.

I am the epitome of Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

What am I doing to myself? To my husband?

I’m angry today- just feeling like I want to throw in the towel already.

And give up? Quit?

Maybe it will just be my hubby and I after all.

But we are not quitters.

Pain slices through my heart.

My cheeks feel flushed

Are we forcing what is not meant to be?

Pray

A dear wise old woman once told me, when things get bad, to simply get down on your knees and pray.

So today I will do just that

(Thank you Ethel)

Pray for courage, strength, and direction

For no matter what we decide, we need to be ok with either outcome (baby or no baby).

And so my new prayer begins today:

“God, we want whatever You have for us. If Your plan includes no children, please give us the strength to walk that road. If I never have a child, I will worship You. I will serve You. I will do Your will, and be content with whatever that will is.”

Cycle Number One ~Post Hysteroscopy

Not pregnant.

Thought this would be my lucky cycle; I’m healthy after surgery and polyp free, new fresh energy, spring is here with birds singing and sprouts of new growth everywhere…

Everywhere but inside me.

I really had high hopes, I always do.

I feel sick.

Shaky.

The pit in my stomach is back.

My husband comes home in a few hours and I will have to share the bad news..

See the look of disappointment in his eyes that he so carefully tries to hide from me- then he’ll hug me and tell me how much he loves me and a moment later we’ll both carry on our day like nothing happened. I’ll hide my sadness for a day or two as to avoid him feeling worse.

And in about two weeks we’ll go at it again..and then wait for another two weeks for the outcome and continue  this seemingly never-ending cycle of trying to conceive our child.

Tomorrow I’ll go back to being my optimistic, hopeful self.. but today I will sulk and cry and feel a tad bit sorry for myself because I am alone and I can.

 Cycle number one post hysteroscopy – Fail.

My Heart Hurts

Another cycle passes and my nightmare continues. I wake up and rub my sleepy eyes until my mind begins to clear. I am happy from dream land for a moment, then reality hits me like a ton of bricks. I am not pregnant. Again. I wince in pain at the thought. Cycle number twenty-six is another failure on my books. My heart hurts, my throat feels tight, and no more tears fall because I don’t have any left.

I am now faced with starting a new cycle, where decisions will need to be made, timed intercourse to be had,  doctors to visit, bloods to be drawn, friends to avoid, and yet another month of desperately missing my lo who left us so long ago. He or She would be 14 months old, walking by now surely, we would be buying them an adorable Halloween costume and taking them up to Apple Hill to pick pumpkins… but we’re not. And this reality hurts the most. I think I am realizing that my pain is not just about the failed cycles that crush my soul each month; it is the fact that each failed cycle is a reminder of our little one that is not here with us.

I am in the midst of reading the book; “Unsung Lullabies” and the authors talk about grieving and encourages you to grieve when you find out that your cycle has failed. But when is there time to grieve? During the waiting- when I give my everything to believing that we have succeeded? Or during the trying when I have to focus on all the details of ensuring we maximize our trying efforts? When?

 I want to grieve but when?

At this point of my TTC journey I am beginning to feel scared of what’s to come. Fear is creeping in right in time for Halloween. Fear of the unknown is the worst kind and it’s officially here in my heart. For so long, I just kept telling myself that we would get pregnant, especially after our miscarriage, it’s what kept me from hitting rock bottom. Month after month, I keep telling myself this and when CD 1 starts again, without hesitation, my dh and I continue to saddle up and try again… but I am fearful that if we don’t get pregnant soon, we’ll have to make some big decisions that I don’t want to face..

How much longer of trying will be enough?

When is enough –enough?