39 Weeks & Nursery Reveal

3 So today I am officially 39 weeks and 6 days.

I have this surreal feeling that I cannot describe, almost as if I have taken a valium and am completely calm and relaxed permanently.

I keep visualizing my labor and birth and meeting baby R for the first time.

I have been waiting for this for so very long and my everything waits in lovely anticipation. Every kick and movement I feel brings me so much love and makes me feel closer to my son. This last part of pregnancy has been amazing and I feel so connected to my husband and everything just feels right.

Not going to do my usual update this week and instead will reveal our nursery, I feel the room turned out perfect and has a little mix of old and new that will be a very special place for our son. Hard to believe that this empty room that I used to lay on the floor and cry in mourning is now my dream nursery where I can nurse, love, sing to, and soothe my baby boy.

Dreams do come true.

Enjoy!12541071189

Will post again after my 40 Week appointment with the midwife unless baby makes his debut first!

 

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38 Weeks & Ready to Meet Our Son

birth love

How far along: 38 Weeks and 5 days

Total Weight Gain/Loss: Currently 138 pounds, up 33 pounds.

Maternity clothes: Oh yes, but mostly dresses in this 100 degree heat wave

Stretch marks: Remarkably no and praying I stay that way!

Sleep: Yes, I am sleeping all the time. Most of the time a nap or two a day plus at least 8-9 hours a night. Although the bathroom trips are becoming like clockwork every 2-3 hours during the night, preparing me for nightly feedings!

Best moment last week: Realizing that I am full term and can have this baby boy at any moment! He is currently head down and in perfect position for birth.

Movement: Baby boy is slowing down a bit, but still moving- and I have been ordered to do my kick counts at least once a day (10 movements during a 2 hour period) apparently the placenta can get old and movement is important as it tells us baby is receiving enough oxygen. ps: I love when he has hiccups!

Food cravings/Aversions: Watermelon, waffles with fresh berries, yogurt, coffee ice cream with Hershey’s syrup, ummm pretty much loving everything these days but the above mentioned are my favorites at the moment.

Mood/Energy: So very happy, a bit emotional at times but in a good sappy kind of way. Just reminiscing about the last 9 months and our journey to have this baby and realizing that hubby and I become a family of three any day. Energy- a bit tired especially because my iron has been low, don’t think I will get the big rush of energy before birth that everyone talks about!

Labor signs: No- still experiencing Braxton Hicks but nothing major.

Belly button: Out

What I miss: My hands and fingers working properly! I have had tingly  finger tips in my right hand for weeks now  and  haven’t been able to clench my fists, apparently I am experiencing a weird pregnancy related blood flow issue to my hands.

What I am looking forward to: Birth and meeting our son!

Milestones: Full Term Baby! We are ready.

(Me at 38 Weeks and 1 day)

photo (12)

25 & 26 Weeks and Baby is now the Size of a Head of Lettuce!

How far along: 26 Weeks and 6 days

LETTUCE

 

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 124.5 pounds (gained ½ a pound) and I am starting to not even recognize my own thighs and hips, they have taken on a life of their own.

Maternity clothes: Most always these days and a few of my maternity shirts are too small, didn’t even know that was possible.

Stretch marks: No new ones but my old ones are looking rather interesting these days. I’ve been slathering on coconut oil and my body has been soaking it up!

Sleep: Waking up to go the bathroom now, and having some trouble falling back to sleep. I have had a few mornings where I start my day at 4 or 5 am.

Best moment last week: Realizing how soon I will meet our little one! And registering for all of our baby necessities! Oh my- these babies need a lot!

Movement: All the time and this has been one of my most favorite experiences during pregnancy! Gives me an instant rush of happiness!

Food cravings/Aversions: No decaffeinated English breakfast tea for me please! Disagreed with my tummy and it was like first trimester all over again! Oh but during the same day, I needed to have a Beach Hut Deli sandwich with all the fixin’s including pickle, cream cheese, avocado, tomatoes etc.

Kind of looked like this:

beach hut

Mood/Energy: Afternoons are difficult for me, and I find myself getting very sleepy. Also was told by my Doctor after my most recent labs that my iron levels are low. To remedy I have been taking a liquid iron supplement, but haven’t noticed a rise with my energy yet.

Labor signs: No, but at my 26 week appointment my midwife went over all of the different ways to differentiate if I was going into early labor.

Belly button: S-t-r-e-t-c-h-e-d!

What I miss: Hot Yoga & feeling my body stretch! 

What I am looking forward to: My first Mother’s Day of not being depressed, although I have a feeling I will be very emotional on this special day that I have avoided for so many years.

Milestones: Finally deciding and signing up for birthing classes..beginning Hypnobirthing classes in early June- so excited!

hypnobirthing

And for your viewing pleasure, photo taken at 26 weeks and 6 days

26

24 Weeks and Reflection

This past week has been a pretty big week for me both emotionally and physically.

 First off the 24 week mark means viability and the milestone point of pregnancy that infertiles’ crave the most.

 When this special day came for me I celebrated in joy and also reflected on my journey thus far.

 I began by reading past journal excerpts of the countless tear filled days leading up to conception of baby R. There were days that felt lower than low, mornings I could not get out of bed, crying fits in my car after having to interact with a random pregnant women and her darling toddler in a store or after reading about another pregnancy announcement on Facebook. Days when I did not know how I would continue to put one foot in front of the other while trying to navigate my childless world. Yes, my faith was tested, my personal resilience pushed to the max, but after reflecting I knew it was all worth it to be able to finally be a momma-to be.

 And oh how my world has changed.

 These reflections have created another surge of gratefulness within me that I cannot describe. At times I feel as if I need to pinch myself as a reminder that this is really happening to me! Just yesterday I was getting a few dresses altered and while waiting for the seamstress to come into my dressing room, I took the opportunity to simply look at myself. And I mean really look and stare at myself in the full length mirror and take in my reality. I studied my whole body from top to bottom side to back and settled back on my growing belly. I was amazed at how beautiful I both looked and felt carrying our miracle child and  for finally being at place that I had longed- for, for so very long, and feeling thankful and blessed beyond measure.

 Truly, I am enjoying pregnancy just as I always knew I would.

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 How far along: 24 Weeks (VIABILITY) and baby is the size of a cantaloupe!

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 124 lbs- up another pound!

Maternity clothes: Yes, but still able to wear some non maternity clothes as well!

Stretch marks: Not yet… but lots of blue veins all over my belly.

Sleep: Better! I think my hips stopped stretching because sleep has been wonderful again.

Best moment last week: Reaching viability- the big milestone and passing my glucose test! By the way, the worst part of my glucose test wasn’t drinking the juice which wasn’t half bad, but having to wait an hour in a crowded waiting room with someone who smelled like oniony body odor. Uggg-  Another wonderful moment and one that keeps happening is when J puts his hands on my belly and talks to baby. It’s the sweetest thing!

Movement: Yes, all the time and brings a smile to face instantly. First thing I do when I wake up now is try and make baby move, once I feel him move I can start my day!

Oh when do I need to start doing kick counts?

Food cravings/Aversions: Lately I’ve been loving oatmeal with bananas, walnuts, and milk for breakfast and maybe because of Easter, egg salad with crunchy celery and hotdog relish has been a lunch staple this past week. Aversions- still not a big fan of Italian food; marinara sauce and garlic.

Mood/Energy: Still emotional! Energy has been ok- although one of my test results came back that I am low on Iron and my doctor wants me on an iron supplement. Alternatively, I am taking Floradix (a liquid supplement) so that I don’t have to deal with bathroom issues- praying it works!

Labor signs: Nada!

Belly Button: Stretched

What I miss: Nothing and the days need to slow down already!

What I am looking forward to: My checkup next week and getting my baby shower announcements out!

Milestones: 24 weeks baby! oh and the glucose test over with!

Bump Picture and my “Lately”:

Bump 25sophieGlucose Juicepaint color

24 weeks

Sophie- a gift from a dear friend- doesn’t she look so happy?

My orange glucose drink

and picking out paint colors for my bedroom and nursery!

Feeling Thankful & Blessed Beyond Belief

thankful

 

Oh my goodness! We are pregnant! Praise God!

I called in earlier this afternoon for my beta results and the first thing the nurse said was ‘Congratulations’!

Beta number one (10dp3dt) is 209 and beta number two (12dp3dt)  is 422.

Feeling so happy and blessed and full of joy.

The last few days have been very tough on me as I have been a complete emotional wreck and I even had a few breakdowns of  crying fits; which is not like me at all.

I’ve been waiting for today’s news for years and the words “you are pregnant” feels surreal and as if a huge rock has been lifted from my soul.

Oh and before my emotional breakdown that started on Sunday, I wrote a journal entry last week that I wanted to share… maybe I did know I was pregnant?

 

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I feel the presence of our little one already.

 I know we are together at last.

 My little one came back to us as I knew they would.

 Three years ago, this very cycle, I got my BFP, but miscarried at 9.5 weeks. After struggling many months years with infertility we embraced IVF as our next step.

 Fast forward to a little over 10 days ago, on November 12, I went in for my egg retrieval (ovulation day in IVF terms) and three days later transferred two beautiful embryos.

 Although this cycle mirrors my previous BFP cycle, I know in my heart of hearts that this one will result in our beautiful healthy take home baby R.

 The one in my dreams, the one I have thought about since I was eighteen years old. Her rosy cheeks and big brown eyes.

 Feeling blessed beyond belief.

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So for now I will continue to stay in the present and enjoy this pregnancy and try and stay as positive as possible, for J, for me and for our little one who is snuggling in for the long haul…

Oh and a very special ‘thank you’ to everyone for your continued encouraging words and prayers.. they mean so very much to me and more than you’ll ever know!

Pre-IVF Consult

orange

Quick update:

I had my second pre IVF consultation this past week and it looks like we will officially begin our IVF cycle mid October (the cycle after next)!

To summarize both consultations simply:

~My AMH went up to 1.26 from .48 in just seven months-my RE is very happy with the increase! (So am I)

~I will be put on the most aggressive protocol there is due to my DOR diagnosis.

~After my mock transfer I have been coined with an “easy” uterus to work with.

~RE wants to rule out Fragile X gene with a blood test this next coming week.

~ Lastly my husband and I were instructed to start practicing giving injections and were each given needles
photo

He is to practice on an orange and I a pillow.

This is beginning to feel very real to me.

Atlas I feel like this is finally our time.

Frozen in Time

ali 1

Take away this pain

Silent and steady

Bubbling now with more frequency

One moment I am a fighter

As strong as Ali

And in a blink of an eye, after one innocent reminder, I collapse in despair

I believe we can

And then I don’t

I see her fuzzy sweet smelling head, soft to the touch, her big brown eyes

And then she’s gone

Tears won’t even fall anymore-perhaps they are all used up

Feelings of inadequacy, loss, angst, and fear compound and materialize as my sense of direction becomes frozen in time

This pain inside gets louder, more intense, as the center of my heart becomes strained and burdened with the anticipation of deciding what to do next

IVF, for me, represents the last attempt of having our biological child

If we pursue IVF and the procedure does not work-then what?

Perhaps I am still in denial, but I truly believe we will conceive on our own

I wonder if this belief is stronger because my desire to conceive is more heartfelt, or if it’s more transparent because my fear of IVF and what it represents to me that makes me avoid the act all together?

I feel as if I am on a teeter totter that never allows me to fully put my feet on the ground

Here I am suspended in space; waiting and anticipating

I long for this to be over

But my longing and desire for our child is even greater; forcing me to put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving