Cycle Number One ~Post Hysteroscopy

Not pregnant.

Thought this would be my lucky cycle; I’m healthy after surgery and polyp free, new fresh energy, spring is here with birds singing and sprouts of new growth everywhere…

Everywhere but inside me.

I really had high hopes, I always do.

I feel sick.

Shaky.

The pit in my stomach is back.

My husband comes home in a few hours and I will have to share the bad news..

See the look of disappointment in his eyes that he so carefully tries to hide from me- then he’ll hug me and tell me how much he loves me and a moment later we’ll both carry on our day like nothing happened. I’ll hide my sadness for a day or two as to avoid him feeling worse.

And in about two weeks we’ll go at it again..and then wait for another two weeks for the outcome and continue  this seemingly never-ending cycle of trying to conceive our child.

Tomorrow I’ll go back to being my optimistic, hopeful self.. but today I will sulk and cry and feel a tad bit sorry for myself because I am alone and I can.

 Cycle number one post hysteroscopy – Fail.

Correlation Between Petite Women and Low Ovarian Reserve?

It’s been a few weeks now since my last post, and almost a month since my hysteroscopy surgery for polypectomy removal. My husband and I had our follow-up “post op” appointment three weeks ago today and I am still processing the words that were said…

The appointment was to review the success of my surgery, but mainly the premise was to discuss our next steps medically toward baby.

Our RE explained that he wouldn’t be an upstanding doctor if he didn’t relay his concerns at this point relating to the recent tests that I had done this past October. Everything had been on hold since the surgery, and this appointment was the day that everything was brought out on the table:

He reviewed his three red flags, as he called them:

~ AMH results (low)
~Antrofollicle count (low)
~FSH levels (high)

He went on to explain his rightful concerns with my remaining ovarian reserve, and for the first time-his concerns with the amount of time we have left for conceiving. He even said that if five RE’s reviewed my same test results that at least one of them would tell me to go straight to egg donation!

Huh? Blink! Gasp!

He went on, trying to comfort me, arguing that with my fluctuation of test results in the past two years coupled with my ability to conceive naturally even if it was only once (although miscarried) and my age 32-that he truly believes that I have a good fighting chance to conceive with my own eggs. He reminded me that it is quality over quantity that he is relies on and also discussed a hypothesis among the fertility world about petite women having low ovarian reserve. He went on to say that these numbers could be my “normal” and that he had seen similar cases plenty times before where petite women with low ovarian reserve went on to conceive.

Was I comforted? Slightly.

So at this point, I am no longer “unexplained” I am labeled with  “low ovarian reserve” and because we don’t know my levels from 2-5-10 years ago, I was told that I could be on the brink of my fertility window.

Really… did he need to say that?

Naturally, the next conversation topic quickly moved to IVF.

He told us that normally our next step would be injectibles with or without IUI- but he is highly recommending us going straight to IVF. He went on to explain that since we have the greatest chances with IVF that would be the best next step, but cautioned us that with my low ovarian reserve, he is uncertain how many follicles he would be able to retrieve with his goal being  five.

I asked five? Aren’t’ you normally trying to obtain 15 or even 20?

Again, I suck in air finding it hard to believe, thinking of scary clowns as a distraction to the inevitable tears forming behind my eyes, the lump in the my throat grows larger..

I squeak out: “How soon to you recommend us starting IVF? And how long is the process start to finish?”

He walked us through, step by step, the entire process starting with when we need to call in the office ( three months before we wish to start) to the final pregnancy test.

After the appointment my husband and I talked and decided to try naturally for a few more months- given that I just had surgery, we feel like we have a brand new clean slate to work from. Am I in denial? I don’t know, but this decision feels right and plus we are still processing it all.

Plus, naive or not,  I still believe we can conceive naturally.

I do.

Honestly, having the past two months off of baby making  has done wonders for both my husband and I  emotionally and I feel ready to give it another go, naturally first.

The plan however, is that in 3 or 4 cycles –we talk about moving forward with IVF. Not sure if it will be in 4 or 5 or 6 months, but if we are not pregnant within this time frame, we will move forward with this option of IVF.

Feeling good with our new plan in place.

Feeling closer to our baby than ever.

Spring is right around the corner and in my book the absolute perfect time to conceive!

We shall see..

~kss