Frozen in Time

ali 1

Take away this pain

Silent and steady

Bubbling now with more frequency

One moment I am a fighter

As strong as Ali

And in a blink of an eye, after one innocent reminder, I collapse in despair

I believe we can

And then I don’t

I see her fuzzy sweet smelling head, soft to the touch, her big brown eyes

And then she’s gone

Tears won’t even fall anymore-perhaps they are all used up

Feelings of inadequacy, loss, angst, and fear compound and materialize as my sense of direction becomes frozen in time

This pain inside gets louder, more intense, as the center of my heart becomes strained and burdened with the anticipation of deciding what to do next

IVF, for me, represents the last attempt of having our biological child

If we pursue IVF and the procedure does not work-then what?

Perhaps I am still in denial, but I truly believe we will conceive on our own

I wonder if this belief is stronger because my desire to conceive is more heartfelt, or if it’s more transparent because my fear of IVF and what it represents to me that makes me avoid the act all together?

I feel as if I am on a teeter totter that never allows me to fully put my feet on the ground

Here I am suspended in space; waiting and anticipating

I long for this to be over

But my longing and desire for our child is even greater; forcing me to put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving

Correlation Between Petite Women and Low Ovarian Reserve?

It’s been a few weeks now since my last post, and almost a month since my hysteroscopy surgery for polypectomy removal. My husband and I had our follow-up “post op” appointment three weeks ago today and I am still processing the words that were said…

The appointment was to review the success of my surgery, but mainly the premise was to discuss our next steps medically toward baby.

Our RE explained that he wouldn’t be an upstanding doctor if he didn’t relay his concerns at this point relating to the recent tests that I had done this past October. Everything had been on hold since the surgery, and this appointment was the day that everything was brought out on the table:

He reviewed his three red flags, as he called them:

~ AMH results (low)
~Antrofollicle count (low)
~FSH levels (high)

He went on to explain his rightful concerns with my remaining ovarian reserve, and for the first time-his concerns with the amount of time we have left for conceiving. He even said that if five RE’s reviewed my same test results that at least one of them would tell me to go straight to egg donation!

Huh? Blink! Gasp!

He went on, trying to comfort me, arguing that with my fluctuation of test results in the past two years coupled with my ability to conceive naturally even if it was only once (although miscarried) and my age 32-that he truly believes that I have a good fighting chance to conceive with my own eggs. He reminded me that it is quality over quantity that he is relies on and also discussed a hypothesis among the fertility world about petite women having low ovarian reserve. He went on to say that these numbers could be my “normal” and that he had seen similar cases plenty times before where petite women with low ovarian reserve went on to conceive.

Was I comforted? Slightly.

So at this point, I am no longer “unexplained” I am labeled with  “low ovarian reserve” and because we don’t know my levels from 2-5-10 years ago, I was told that I could be on the brink of my fertility window.

Really… did he need to say that?

Naturally, the next conversation topic quickly moved to IVF.

He told us that normally our next step would be injectibles with or without IUI- but he is highly recommending us going straight to IVF. He went on to explain that since we have the greatest chances with IVF that would be the best next step, but cautioned us that with my low ovarian reserve, he is uncertain how many follicles he would be able to retrieve with his goal being  five.

I asked five? Aren’t’ you normally trying to obtain 15 or even 20?

Again, I suck in air finding it hard to believe, thinking of scary clowns as a distraction to the inevitable tears forming behind my eyes, the lump in the my throat grows larger..

I squeak out: “How soon to you recommend us starting IVF? And how long is the process start to finish?”

He walked us through, step by step, the entire process starting with when we need to call in the office ( three months before we wish to start) to the final pregnancy test.

After the appointment my husband and I talked and decided to try naturally for a few more months- given that I just had surgery, we feel like we have a brand new clean slate to work from. Am I in denial? I don’t know, but this decision feels right and plus we are still processing it all.

Plus, naive or not,  I still believe we can conceive naturally.

I do.

Honestly, having the past two months off of baby making  has done wonders for both my husband and I  emotionally and I feel ready to give it another go, naturally first.

The plan however, is that in 3 or 4 cycles –we talk about moving forward with IVF. Not sure if it will be in 4 or 5 or 6 months, but if we are not pregnant within this time frame, we will move forward with this option of IVF.

Feeling good with our new plan in place.

Feeling closer to our baby than ever.

Spring is right around the corner and in my book the absolute perfect time to conceive!

We shall see..

~kss

~January Blues~

Any day now will mark yet another anniversary that will be instilled in me forever…the two year anniversary of when our baby’s heart stopped beating inside my womb.

I would have never imagined in a million years that I would still be childless two years later and I sit, this drear morning,  blinking away hot tears while trying to will away the January blues.

The January blues, may be a new term for you, but for me they have always been a part of my life since I was a child…maybe its from the quietness after the excitement of the holidays or possibly just because nothing notable usually takes place in January… and most of the time I can escape into February unscathed by the blues that I speak of, but this year I feel them nudging at me, their cold nose at my back and feel them closing in… I try to shake them off as I stare at my half started, hand written New Years Resolution list that I had made a few days earlier. This list depicts amazing and inspiring health and fertility conscious goals (I will share with you in another post) and on the other hand I look up from my desk to my memoir board and my eyes rest on the tattered-edged(and now browning) ultrasound picture of the baby we lost two years ago this blueish month of January.

us

The baby who let us hear their heartbeat despite all odds of her measuring a week behind, as if to confirm her realness to her parents knowing that she would not survive to full term and knowing she would not come back to us for many years…. This picture pains me, yet wills me to keep moving forward on this journey.

Honestly, days like this I want to crawl back into my cozy bed and pull up the covers-closing out the world, cocooning myself until I conceive again…but of course I know this is not possible and plus- my mood changes daily.. and I know that tomorrow I will spring back into action taking life by the horns…

But today I will sulk a little, reminisce some, reread my journal entry from the very day we heard our baby’s strong heartbeat, replay the visual of my doctors baffled face and jumbled words when she first saw the heartbeat on the monitor, after just moments before telling me I would miscarry and that I would need to schedule a D/C.

These memories are bittersweet to think about, but they keep my faith alive and push me to fight the fight to become a mom-my life long dream…they help my faith in God to remain intact as I look to him for much-needed courage and inspiration on blue days like these.

I can almost hear her heartbeat now.. I close my eyes to drift away and hear the loud strong beating in my head- the beautiful vibration of life that we all share..and I know without a doubt and vow that some way- some how our miracle will be with us, either in my womb or in my arms, by next January two- thousand fourteen.

This just has to be so…

Please say that it will be so.

~kss