I bought myself flowers yesterday…

I bought myself flowers yesterday.

It’s true.

Crushed orange-colored ones, the most vibrant of all the roses that filled the flower bucket at Fresh Market. I admit that I buy flowers for myself more often than not, but yesterdays flowers were bought for a few reasons:
■The holidays are almost over
■and I survived
■ I signed up for a yoga membership
■and actually attended two classes – two days in a row
■ because I am not pregnant (It’s official-I started my cycle) uggg
■ Which means that I am officially going in for surgery in twenty-six days
■and becuase I am approaching my two-year anniversary of my miscarriage…babyless and pregnantless…

Yes, I admit..feeling a little low these past few days…

And flowers are my saving grace at times like this, the soft delicate petals wrapped around each other… captivating-really. The tropical color to brighten up this cold December day… The freshness.. the innocence.


Yes, I needed them.

Maybe I  have a holiday hangover? Is there such a thing? I didn’t even drink last night and yet the fogginess is there… and when I go outside there is a quietness, a calmness…but almost eery. Holiday hangover- I suppose.

Looking forward to heading out of dodge tomorrow with just my hubby and I.. going to a remote lodge with a cozy room with a fireplace and view of the Sierra Nevada snow covered mountains… I will spend the next few days rejuvenating my spirit and reflecting on my amazing year.. and making plans for what’s to come…oh and drinking champagne of course.

And since I will be tucked away in some far removed mountain town for the next few days, trying to unplug from the world… I will go ahead and wish you all a very-very Happy and Healthy New Years a few days early.

May this next year be as beautiful as you wish it to be…



I Smell Fall

So last week I went out in the early morning to water my garden- as I stooped down, digging around in my tomato plants, searching for ripe pickings- it hit me.  I stopped in my tracks.  I inhaled. And there it was… fall.


I have to tell you that “fall” is a hard scent to describe, but it’s there. First off  it’s the whole picture…the bright blue morning sky has more of a grey hue now, the chirping birds are a little quieter, the greens a little less shiny, and then there’s the smell.

I can try to describe it as a fresh and crisp smokiness that hangs in the air, the scent forces you to close your eyes and breathe in deeply . Yes, it’s happening, fall is brimming and right around the corner.

This was taken in my backyard fall of 2010


Is fall my favorite season? Yes, it most certainly is.

First off, I was born in November, so naturally I will always have a special connection with this time of year

Secondly, my one and only BFP happened in the fall of 2010. So I know that on top of my birthday, the crisp smoky air, and vibrant colors of oranges and yellows and reds, a very special transformation happened to me a little over two years ago at this time. It was the most magical feeling in the world.

Being pregnant that is.

I think back to that time often, and reminisce of that first feeling that I felt after finding out that I was pregnant. When I saw the second pink line appear, at first I was in disbelief, then shocked at the reality before me (We did it!)  I began to shake, cry even. Tears of pure happiness emerged. It was amazing. Telling my husband was even more amazing- he was so proud, he stood a little taller that day, hugged me a little tighter. A week or two later I started to actually feel pregnant. Now this was my favorite part. For me, when I was pregnant, I was in love with everything. You name it- I loved it. The mail lady, doing dishes,  watching commercials on TV -I mean everything!

During this time I experienced the meaning of wearing “rose-colored glasses.”  Life was w-o-n-d-e-r-f-u-l. Truly it was. Although, the time was short lived, it will be a time in my life that I will always remember. Forever and a day from now, fall will always symbolize a very special time for me.

And that brings me to today…

Today marks CD 11 of my twenty sixth cycle of TTC. This cycle I took Femara cd’s 3-7 (yay no cyst!) and on top of well timed intercourse, will follow with an IUI (my third one) the day after my positive OPK.  Let’s pray that third time is a charm.

This cycle, I am feeling less anxious and a little less excited than usual; calm clear and grounded might describe my current temperament. Four days away until fall is officially here, and as I anticipate the change of seasons, I also anticipate a change deep down in my body. Is it a knowing that pregnancy is near? Is it finally our time? Praying that the little miracle of life that once sparked inside me, two falls ago,  returns to us and this time around comes back that much stronger.

Blue Moon

Today is CD13 and here I am gearing up to O.


This cycle I am feeling rather relaxed.

Too relaxed? Maybe.

But I don’t care.

I just want to be free from ovulation tests and bbt thermometers and planning things around BD. And because I can’t be free from these things, I decided that this cycle, I would  be a tad bit more carefree instead. One thing for sure, we are not having as much crazy timed sex as usual , but I am OK with it- plenty of people conceive from having sex once in a Blue Moon ( for instance our best friends can prove this- one roll in the hay a little less than a year ago and today they are caring for a little cute 8 week old! )Just like that. One time. Baby.

And this month I am feeling more quality and  not quantity and am rolling with that, at least for the moment, anyway.

Oh and it just so happens to be a Blue Moon this month.


*Out of all the millions of pictures online of a Blue Moon, this one jumped out at me- seems appropriate right?*

**Oh and for those of you who don’t know what a Blue Moon is: “According to modern folklore, a Blue Moon is the second full moon of a calendar month.” First one was August 1 and second one is August 31- pretty cool. **

Wonder if Blue Moons’ have anything to do with increasing one’s Fertility???? Lets’ just assume – and go with YES.

Ok- so currently I am  POAS both morning and night, waiting for my OPK to smile back at me so that I can call  my doctors’ office and make  my appointment for my  “el natural” IUI. Thought it might be today, but I got negatives. And so we wait another day…. And relax. And hope. And with the advice of others… stay positive. And not obsess. And stop trying. And look into adoption and…yes, here I am doing all of those things and of course most of all, and in my mind the most important, I am praying – praying with my everything that this cycle * Cycle number 25*  is our lucky month that we conceive our healthy take home rainbow baby.

Blue Moon and all.