The Magic of Estrogen

This past week has been amazing.

First off, thank goodness for estrogen. Without this “feel good” hormone- I don’t know how I would have come to my most recent revelation.

Quick lesson on estrogen: early on in our cycle, around CD 6-8, estrogen levels begin to climb, this helps stabilize our emotions by increasing serotonin, giving us more energy, making us feel sexier and prettier-more feminine. This amazing hormone increases your sex drive at just the right time to make a baby.

 

I have also noticed that during this time, my creative energy goes into overdrive. I wake up early in the morning, full of ideas. The ideas mostly have to do with my home and the changes that I want to make, for example a paint color for one of my walls or a new plant or tree for my yard … or other times it’s a solution to a problem that I have been pondering. During this time I also feel more connected to people around me, and actually want to make connections rather than be my usual private self.

Yes, this is a time during our cycle of wonderful awakening of our mind, body and spirit.

I never really thought too much about why our body endures this awakening, until this past week when everything became perfectly clear.

I realized that our body is set on automatic pilot,  and for the most part it is in perfect rhythm with what it needs to do…producing estrogen early on in our cycle, to rev up our energy and prompt us to feel the urge to make love, after the sexual glow is gone, our body produces progesterone and takes over our body like a warm blanket… keeping everything warm -just in case an embryo is growing…If pregnancy is not achieved, it sheds the lining of old and gets ready for new… again on automatic pilot not stopping unless we interfere.

Either by what we put in our bodies or what we put in our minds.

I admit, I have been doing both.

I’ve been tinkering with this natural process for a long time now. I realized that after my miscarriage…when I didn’t get pregnant again right away, I started feeling desperate. The desperation  started soon after  I went in for a normal annual exam a few months after my miscarriage. The nurse practitioner who I saw for my appointment labeled me with infertility and recommended that I needed to be seen in their infertility office right away.  I panicked and didn’t question. I wanted to get pregnant again so badly, that I forgot to let my body and mind do their magic and have been trying something new almost every cycle since that diagnosis. The something new could be as small as taking a new herb, or seeing an acupuncturist, decreasing my caffeine or as big as, and most recently taking prescription medication.

And now my dh and I were actually pondering injectibles and IVF.

 

It’s overwhelming to me as I look back on these past two years….and how things started escalating from one new option to the next. It felt like the more that I pushed for an answer or tried a new regime the further I was from our baby.

 

I am finally at a place where I have stopped and am coming up for air.

 

After my revelation a new word has popped in my head and it won’t leave.

 

The word is TRUST

 

Every time my old doubts or fears come in – I take a breath and hear my inner voice say:

 

Trust.

 

 

I know deep in my heart that my body knows what it needs to do. I have altered the process both consciously and unconsciously… to a point, that I ended up with a large 23 mm cyst on my ovary, a uterine polyp; that may or may not need to be removed, the diagnosis of unexplained infertility and still no baby.

 

I gave myself these things. Not the drugs or the doctors that examined and tested me.

 

No, it’s me. I take full responsibility.

 

I made this discovery this past week, while my body naturally produced estrogen throughout my body, yes the “feel good” hormone rushing through my body allowed me to be present and hear what I needed to hear.

 

I have been giving away my power through all of this and I am taking a stand and pulling it back where it belongs, with me.

 Trusting

Knowing

Allowing

Creating

I’m back!

kss

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Sweet Newborn Babies & Salty Tears

What is it about newborn babies that make your heart sing? Is it the newness of it all, their innocence, their tiny little feet and hands all shiny and new? What is it about these little miracles of life, wrapped up in adorable little baby blankets like an oversized burrito? I believe that it is a combination of all of these things and so much more. Newborn babies just melt your heart, soften your being, and for me… well they just make your heartache a tiny bit more for one of your own.

You see, our best friends’ had their first baby a few days ago, and my husband and I were lucky enough to meet their baby boy 45 minutes after his arrival into this world. When I walked into the room, baby was having skin to skin bonding time with momma, and the act of this alone brought instant tears to my eyes. The way baby looked up at momma, first one eye would open, then the second eye, then he would focus on mammas’ face so intently almost studying her so closely thinking to himself “so this is what you look like”. It was like time had stopped for a few seconds as I watched this amazing interaction take place between mamma and baby.  This was such a tender moment, and literally took my breath away.

Wow.

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**No, this is not a picture of our friends baby – just a random of someone I do not know**

Another interaction that took my breath away, was seeing my husband hold this newborn baby – what is it about seeing this act that just tugs at your heart strings in such a way? He looked so very happy and seeing him smiling and cooing at baby,  just made me want to make him a father more than ever.

As we left the hospital room, our friend called out- “you’ll be next- you two” it took every part of me to not  let my tears show. You see after two years of TTC these words start having an opposite effect of how they are supposed to make you feel, no longer do they bring you feelings of hope and wonder, instead these words remind me of what we don’t have and shake me back to my childless reality. So instead of sobbing like a big sappy crybaby,   I just squeezed my husbands’ hand a little tighter and said yet another prayer that our rainbow baby would be with us soon enough.

Soon enough.