Tomorrow I go in for my first ultra sound appointment to take measurements, hopefully listen to a heartbeat (S), and lastly to see how many babies I have growing inside me.
I feel like I have one; hubby says two.
The first ultrasound I had with my last pregnancy (three years ago) was when everything turned upside-down. I went in around the same time at 6 weeks; only to be told that I was measuring behind at 4 weeks and 5 days. Plus I was spotting. I know- I know. Different pregnancy and experience, but I can’t help but think back to that fateful appointment and feel anxious about our appointment tomorrow.
These past two weeks have been amazing… yet my emotions are changing constantly and I go from excited to nervous to anxious to joyful and back around again.
One thing we are doing differently from our last pregnancy is that we are telling our families. I was able to tell my dad this past weekend and we were both choked up with emotion afterwards. He told me that my special news was the best news that he had heard in years. Makes me smile thinking about his words. Our last pregnancy I didn’t tell him until after I miscarried and I regretted not doing so every since. I still need to tell my two brothers, but most everyone else in my family including my in laws know of our pregnancy. It feels so very nice to tell those who care for us the most that we are pregnant..although of course I kept our struggle mostly private; all who know me well knew of our infertility struggles and my very strong desire to be a mother.
Pregnancy after infertility and loss is hard, as I knew it would be. I feel as if I have this underlying cautionary feeling as if this blessing could get ripped out from under me at any given moment. I awake in the morning and I immediately put my hands on my abdomen and thank the Lord for another day of being pregnant.
This is why I have decided to continue to blog about my experience; not only does writing help me process my emotions, but I want to record my experience of being pregnant after loss and infertility especially since I plan to help others going through similar paths once I graduate and begin my internship as a therapist.
Speaking of school, currently I am wrapping up another term and I have been feverishly writing paper after paper and am so very much looking forward to my two week break over Christmas. Also, in-between paper writing, discussion boards, and presentations, I did find some time to spread Christmas cheer throughout our home and even had the energy to put up not one- but two Christmas trees this year! Oh and J agreed to putting up lights on our house, which I absolutely love.
Looking forward to a new and much better experience with Dr. S tomorrow and will report back to let you all know our update.