The Only Way Out is Through

Veil

I heard a new term today…Infertility Closet.

And it dawned on me that I am currently living in my very own self made “infertility” closet.

Admittedly I have always been a very private and guarded person ever since I was a little girl.
Exhibit A: my anonymous blog that you are currently reading.
It’s true; no one has ever labeled me as an open book. And self disclosure is not my best friend. Therefore infertility has contributed to the veiling of my persona even that much more.

Two years ago, sometime after my miscarriage, I began avoiding places and people if it meant that I may have had to talk about my loss. I felt vulnerable and thought I was doing the right thing by avoiding, but the behavior soon escalated into a norm and my personal relationships suffered greatly. Yes, through this infertility journey connections have been lost and friendships estranged. This part of infertility feels maddening and yet I realize that I have single handedly created my own “infertility closet”.

And for what?

Self preservation? My sanity?

So that I can pretend to be me before I was deemed infertile?

Not somebody that miscarried.

Or somebody whom always wanted to be a mother but can’t .

Or somebody that tirelessly tries to conceive cycle after cycle and fails each and every time.

Or somebody who is jealous of every fertile person who walks this earth.

Is this why I choose to stay in this protective bubble called the infertility closet? This place that protects me and allows me to continue to be myself without feeling exposed or revealing my raw wounds for all to see.

I realize that this can’t be healthy, but at this time, I don’t know any other way.

I also realize that in time,  this protective “bubble” will not be big enough to sustain my needs and that I will be forced to grow my wings and move through to the other side; infertile and vulnerable with wounds showing and all.

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8 thoughts on “The Only Way Out is Through

  1. Very well said, communicates what I think a lot of us are feeling. I certainly feel that way. The cracks are beginning to show however and it’s getting harder everyday to maintain the facade. But I don’t want to deal with the alternative, it’s too scary. There’s something comforting about being able to hide away and lick my wounds in solitude. In my case, the closet is partially built by me I think and partially built by the outside world. The lack of understanding and compassion I’ve experienced has perpetuated my need to stay closeted. It’s not an easy place to be but I agree it’s all I can do right now. Yet another byproduct of this unfair process. Thanks for putting it to words xx

  2. I am in the closet. My immediate family, a handful of friends, and my resolve support group are the only “in real life” friends who know about my infertility, POF, and egg donor IVF. And of course my blog is also anonymous. And I prefer it that way. I always have the choice of telling more people, but you can’t untell. If I decide to come out and be an advocate for infertility awareness and coverage, I can always do that after I survive my own journey.

    • Kimberly,
      Good point. We cannot untell. That is why I don’t disclose my stuff to anyone that I don’t need to. It taints the relationship.. and hard to go back to what was…Thankfully, I have my Resolve group too. I forgot to mention my wonderful support group. Without them I know I would be in a much, much darker place right now. Thanks for the reply.
      ~kss

  3. I’m not in the closet, and maybe I’ve just been particularly lucky, but I’ve gotten a lot of support from friends, family, and coworkers who know what we’ve been through to achieve this pregnancy. The support I’ve received on my anonymous blog has been amazing, but I think in-person support is so important. I’m glad you have a support group that can offer you that.

  4. I agree that in person support is very much needed when experiencing infertility- In fact, it wasn’t until I began openly speaking about my infertilty to my Resolve support group (in person) before I was able to work through my depression. I would encourage everyone who is IF to build a support group, either through blogging, professional help, Resolve, or close knit or wide spread friends and fam. Hope you and baby are well!
    ~KSS

  5. I’m very much out of the closet. But that is who I am…what you see is what you get. I put myself out there about everything. Just as unnatural as sharing something this private is for you…it would feel as difficult for me to keep it to myself. It is hard to fight against our DNA. I’m an open book and I also avoid situations to protect myself and have lost friendships. So don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I almost wonder how much it helps to be open sometimes. For me, I expect people to understand, get it and cut me some slack. When they disappoint (on all fronts), I find myself frustrated and disappointed because “they know” so they should care or understand. I think infertility is just plain ole hard. In or out of the closet.

    • Totally agree. In or Out= very hard. I am now dilerberating who I should tell of us doing IVF. I know we will need extra support, but i don’t want to feel pressure from anyone. This one’s tough too.

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