I had a breakthrough in therapy the other day.
This was my fifth session and anger was the topic for discussion.
My therapist asked, “ what about infertility makes you angry?”
At first I thought to myself, I don’t feel angry about infertility-I feel sad and broken at times but not angry. Then I began thinking about the amount of time that has passed and no child and month after month of dissapointment and I realized that I am angry!
Suddenly my thought process connected to a place that I had not thought about in a long time:
I tried to think of something else, I didn’t want to go there- I knew this place was vulnerable- I looked up then down, everywhere but at my therapists’ prodding face.
Then it happened.
I erupted into a crying fit, big round salty tears that took my breath away.. this all happened in an instant, before I could even respond to my therapists’ question.. The floodgates were open; I tried to explain myself through broken tear fueled sentences…
I told her of my silent anger with myself, that I knew better then to blame myself for having a miscarriage, that I knew it wasn’t really my fault, but the ANGER – it was still there, surrounding my loss. I rambled on about wanting to blame myself, that I wanted to be angry and take responsibility for the loss of our child.
The one that could have been.
I admit, I don’t think about my miscarriage often, in fact sometimes I forget that I was ever pregnant at all.
I have been avoiding these feelings for so very long… My therapist was able to help me work through this pain, and confirm that which I already knew; the miscarriage was not my fault. She also encouraged me to “get angry” and not hold back.
I naturally suppress anger, this I know, it’s who I am.
Anger to me represents a loss of control. An unspoken family rule of mine was that “good girls keep their composure and do not lose self control” so now at 32 – guess what I still do?
This therapeutic experience has shined a different light on anger and reminded me of the importance of letting go…feeling emotions as they show up, and not suppress them as I often do.
Something shifted that day for me, a release, an opening, an understanding deep within myself prompting me to recognize that vulnerability and anger can create a beautiful movement.
A movement that I have been waiting for -for far too long.