What About Infertility Makes You Angry?

ANGER WOMAN

I had a breakthrough in therapy the other day.

This was my fifth session and anger was the topic for discussion.

My therapist asked, “ what about infertility makes you angry?”

At first I thought to myself, I don’t feel angry about infertility-I feel sad and broken at times but not angry. Then I began thinking about the amount of time that has passed and no child and month after month of dissapointment and I realized that I am angry!

Suddenly my thought process connected to a place that I had not thought about in a long time:

My miscarriage.

I tried to think of something else, I didn’t want to go there- I knew this place was vulnerable- I looked up then down, everywhere but at my therapists’ prodding face.

Then it happened.

I erupted into a crying fit, big round salty tears that took my breath away.. this all happened in an instant, before I could even respond to my therapists’ question.. The floodgates were open; I tried to explain myself through broken tear fueled sentences…

I told her of my silent anger with myself, that I knew better then to blame myself for having a miscarriage, that I knew it wasn’t really my fault, but the ANGER – it was still there, surrounding my loss. I rambled on about wanting to blame myself, that I wanted to be angry and take responsibility for the loss of our child.

The one that could have been.

I admit, I don’t think about my miscarriage often, in fact sometimes I forget that I was ever pregnant at all.

I have been avoiding these feelings for so very long… My therapist was able to help me work through this pain, and confirm that which I already knew; the miscarriage was not my fault. She also encouraged me to “get angry” and not hold back.

I naturally suppress anger, this I know, it’s who I am.

Anger to me represents a loss of control. An unspoken family rule of mine was that “good girls keep their composure and do not lose self control” so now at 32 – guess what I still do?

This therapeutic experience has shined a different light on anger and reminded me of the importance of letting go…feeling emotions as they show up, and not suppress them as I often do.

Something shifted that day for me, a release, an opening, an understanding deep within myself prompting me to recognize that vulnerability and anger can create a beautiful movement.

A movement that I have been waiting for -for far too long.

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7 thoughts on “What About Infertility Makes You Angry?

  1. That release feels so good sometimes, especially when you didn’t even realize how much you were holding back. Of course there is anger that goes along with not being able to create the families we want to, but I think we spend much more time feeling sad and sorry for ourselves. I’m glad therapy has created this outlet for you!

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