My New Prayer

freefalling

In just 48 hours I have derailed from my natural high and am now freefalling from a mountain top into nothingness

A part of me wants to pound on a punching bag until I am exhausted and sick to my stomach and the other part of me wants to wrap myself up in a fetal position and weep the day away for I am faced with another failed cycle.

What actually makes me think that we can conceive on our own still?

We have had a go at this baby making ritual for 32 fucking cycles and no baby.

I am the epitome of Albert Einstein’s famous quote:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”

What am I doing to myself? To my husband?

I’m angry today- just feeling like I want to throw in the towel already.

And give up? Quit?

Maybe it will just be my hubby and I after all.

But we are not quitters.

Pain slices through my heart.

My cheeks feel flushed

Are we forcing what is not meant to be?

Pray

A dear wise old woman once told me, when things get bad, to simply get down on your knees and pray.

So today I will do just that

(Thank you Ethel)

Pray for courage, strength, and direction

For no matter what we decide, we need to be ok with either outcome (baby or no baby).

And so my new prayer begins today:

“God, we want whatever You have for us. If Your plan includes no children, please give us the strength to walk that road. If I never have a child, I will worship You. I will serve You. I will do Your will, and be content with whatever that will is.”

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12 thoughts on “My New Prayer

  1. I totally get it! My husband said the other night, “what we’re doing on our own, isn’t working anymore.” I’m feeling more lead, compelled, and burdened to pray. I’m there with you girl!

    • That’s comforting Retha-and your hubby’s right.

      I just don’t know anymore. I am at the point of surrendering everything.

      hugs and many many prayers being sent your way.

  2. Oh Sarah. My heart hurts for you pain and frustration. I understand it all to well. But I can tell you that you’re headed in the right direction. The day I shifted my prayers from “God, please bring me a baby” to “God, please give me the strength to accept Your plan for my life”…everything started to get better. My heart starte to heal. You know I don’t say this as someone with child but as someone who still walks beside. It is still hard and still painful. But I’m stronger and more accepting of my circumstances and whatever will be. I pray that for you as well, my friend.

    • J-
      Very -very wise words… thank you. This is just so hard. I just keep reminding myself to trust in God… i feel so out of balance with my decisons right now. Do I push hard and try for the next step, or just let it be? Praying for clarity..

  3. Sending my love and prayer for you! I totally understand how you are feeling right now. It’s not an easy road to go through and just when you think you are ready to embrace the “reality”, you will question everything again. But one step at a time. Be patient with yourself. Sometimes we think that we ought to “move on” already but seriously, there is never the right time to move on. What do we move on from anyway? Do you know what I mean?

    • Yes, I do know what you mean about moving on- from what? It’s all so complex, this path we are on. Going after something that biologically we are meant to do…but can’t- our emotions run hot and cold constantly.. Thank you for your kind words.
      ~kss

  4. You are so brave to pray this prayer. It grieves me to say I do not have the strength and faith in God’s will for my life to begin that prayer yet. But you will certainly be added to my nightly prayers for women that are burdened with infertility. Peace and comfort, dear friend.

    • Melanie,
      Thank you for the prayers.
      Burdened. I had not thought of that word in a long time, but yes you are right-so much burden with IF.

      Some days we are braver than others.. and that’s ok.

      ~kss

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