May

Three years ago this month my dh and I happily agreed we would begin trying for our first child.

We were giddy with excitement and talked openly about our future children; what they would look like, how their voices would sound, what our Saturday mornings would be like with a little one running around our home…

up

 

Fast forward three years to today.

 

We no longer have these conversations, we actually avoid them like the plague.

 

It hurts too much.     Sad-Woman-by-Rob-Lee

 

We have been through three very long, emotional years that have forever changed us.

I would like to believe that this has changed us for the better.

I feel stronger, more determined, more confident.. but am I?

My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I have been charged with the idea of being a mother, not once did I ever say, “I am not ready yet” or “I want to travel the world first” or “I need to get my feet off the ground with my career before children!”

No, I have always felt ready and three years ago this month, I truly felt my happiest, knowing that I was that much  closer to motherhood.

 

So very close.

 

Never in a million years did I think we would not have a child by now-nor did I ever think I would be experiencing this delicate and painful world of infertility…

 

The month of May not only represents to me the anniversary of when dh and I got serious about becoming parents, but it also is a  month we celebrate Mothers.

mothers

In my book this is the  single worst day for someone struggling with infertility. Last year I moped on my couch all day with the blinds drawn shut, this year I refuse to do that… I am not certain of what I intend to do..(suggestions are welcome) Please!

Along with deciding not to mope around on Mothers day I have also decided that I am going to stop saying things like.. “by next Mothers day, I will be a mom” or “by my 33rd birthday I will be pregnant”

No. I am done with that kind of wishful thinking, Instead I want to be present with where I am today – in the now.

eckhart tolle

 

Three years goes by fast and life is meant to be enjoyed.

So while dh and I ‘enjoy’ ourselves and embrace another season approaching.. we will continue  “trying” el natural through the next few cycles (May, June, July, August) and then the time will come to make a decision.

Decision as in:

 

IVF, Adoption, Egg Adoption, Embryo adoption/Gifting, Surrogacy

 

 

decisions

 

 

”For I know the plans I
have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future.'”

Jeremiah 29:11

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4 thoughts on “May

  1. I was just thinking about you when I got the email with this post. Your pain comes across in your writing and I know exactly how you feel. I’m so sorry. It makes me want to give you a great big hug. I’ve been thinking about something I want to share with you. It is about not pushing off the decisions for too long. My hubby is so at the end of his rope that it makes me wish I would’ve moved forward with IVF sooner and not dragged this out for almost five years still hoping that it would happen for us without it. Just my two cents. For what it is worth. Wine soon?

  2. My suggestion which is also my own suggestion to myself is to try and live it up this month. BREAK all the TTC rules. Avoid BABY zones or those places that make you think about it most! This month i came to the conclusion that it is time to step up and dive into more progressive treatments like IVF there is too much time that i am wasting being hopeful then let down. I need to move forward full steam ahead and don’t look back.

  3. I hate these kinds of markers. So much time gone by, and so little seems to have changed. Thinking of you during this difficult time.

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