And in one simple instant, the wind beneath my wings is gone. The joyfulness in my eyes disappears and the ache in my heart returns.
When I heard the news this morning my heart skipped a beat, my chest tightened, and tears sprang to my eyes all before I could even process what was being said.
She told me that they were going to start trying after the New Year.
And a little over one month later-she’s pregnant.
How are some people so lucky? One moth trying and pregnant? I would give anything to know what that would be like; the innocence, the purity, the bliss of it all. No strings attached, just having sex and next thing you know- two pink lines.
I’m angry with myself for feeling this way. Embarrassed really.
Will I ever be able to just be happy for these women? Will these feelings of jealousy and sadness ever go away? Will their happiness continue to trigger my sadness?
When I hear of pregnancy announcements, I instantly feel waves of my grief wash over me all over again … I try and push it away.. but the pain and sadness is there forcing me to face my loss-my failure –to remember it all.
Lately, I have been doing a very good job about not focusing on my fertility issues. With being on birth control, planning for and having surgery, and school and work keeping me busy, its’ been a really nice distraction.
But in a moment- one announcement jars me right out of “distraction land” and right back into the thick of it-just like that.
My stomach turns to knots, my smile fades.
I don’t want to be like this anymore.
I am done-finished.
The sky is gray today, to match my mood.
The rain will come later and I welcome it.
Thankfully my DH and I have a post op appointment with our Reproductive Specialist tomorrow to ensure that my uterus is healing properly, after the hysteroscopy and to discuss the next steps and to formulate a plan.