In an Instant

stormy sky

And in one simple instant, the wind beneath my wings is gone. The joyfulness in my eyes disappears and the ache in my heart returns.

When I heard the news this morning my heart skipped a beat, my chest tightened, and tears sprang to my eyes all before I could even process what was being said.

She’s pregnant.

She told me that they were going to start trying after the New Year.

And a little over one month later-she’s pregnant.

How are some people so lucky? One moth trying and pregnant? I would give anything to know what that would be like; the innocence, the purity, the bliss of it all. No strings attached, just having sex and next thing you know- two pink lines.

I’m angry with myself for feeling this way. Embarrassed really.

Will I ever be able to just be happy for these women? Will these feelings of jealousy and sadness ever go away? Will their happiness continue to trigger my sadness?

When I hear of pregnancy announcements, I instantly feel waves of my grief wash over me all over again … I try and push it away.. but the pain and sadness is there forcing me to face my loss-my failure –to remember it all.

Lately, I have been doing a very good job about not focusing on my fertility issues. With being on birth control, planning for and having surgery, and school and work keeping me busy, its’ been a really nice distraction.

But in a moment- one announcement jars me right out of “distraction land” and right back into the thick of it-just like that.

My stomach turns to knots, my smile fades.

I don’t want to be like this anymore.

I am done-finished.

The sky is gray today, to match my mood.

The rain will come later and I welcome it.

Thankfully my DH and I have a post op appointment with our Reproductive Specialist tomorrow to ensure that my uterus is healing properly, after the hysteroscopy and to discuss the next steps and to formulate a plan.

A plan that will answer our prayers.   rainbow

kss

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17 thoughts on “In an Instant

  1. I know how you feel – I’m feeling just as grey today! Hearing a friend/relative has gotten pregnant so fast is really hard to take so don’t be hard on yourself for feeling angry. I’ve been there too! When I get really mad all I can think about are those women I know who’ve gotten pregnant “straight away on honeymoon”. It’s infuriating. And it can knock you back just when you think you’re coping OK. I’m on my 2ww on IVF#3 right now and it’s terrible as I am certain it hasn’t worked. There are black days and some days the sun shines through. All I can think to keep me going is that someday I will feel better again. I’m waiting for the joy. Check out my blog http://www.myivfingstory.wordpress.com Take care.

  2. I’m so glad I’m not the only one that feels this way. I hate how this journey has changed me. The anger, the sadness, the jealousy. It sucks. And it just leaves you feeling guilty. I’m with you there girl! But you know what, it’s coming. And you are going to be an amazing mother!!

  3. I’m so sorry. It sucks that on top of not being able to acheive our own simple dreams, we also end up having to feel left out of the happiness of others, faced instead with jealousy and sadness. You’re not alone.

  4. Pregnancy announcements are always hard, especially when they come from someone who seemed to get there so easily. Thinking of you and hoping your time is coming really soon!

  5. This is beautifully written and so heartbreaking at the same time. It seems like every one of my friends is posting their “We’re expecting” ultra sound pictures to their Facebooks. I had to delete my account because I would end up crying almost everyday. It’s awful. My sister in law (avid drinker and smoker, and refuses to eat anything healthy) just informed us 3 weeks ago that they are expecting. They said they decided to “give it a shot” last month. My husband had them on speaker phone, and I had to run out of the room, before my sobs were too audible.
    What makes it worse, is that I WANT to be happy for them. I don’t want to feel the pain of jealously and anger. But when I see people who haven’t been trying, or are so unhealthy and have horrible habits/addictions get pregnant like its nothing, while I’m trying to do everything I can, nauseates me.
    Sorry to bombard your blog, but your post just hit so close to home tonight. Good luck with everything!

    • Thumbalina,
      Thank you for the reply.. I know the feeling of wanting to be happy..but you just can’t. Even for people that you really really want to be happy for.. and then jealousy arises.. and I’m so sorry to hear about your SIL. That would throw me overboard.. looking forward to checking out your blog as well.
      kss

  6. I really identified with this post. The pregnancy announcements just keep coming with my friends and family, and every time, I hope the feelings of anger & jealousy will come on less strong– but they don’t. I actually once thought I was one of the lucky ones when I saw two pink lines my first month of trying. But then I lost that pregnancy (and the next one) and was thrown into the world of miscarriage, loss, and infertility. I wish you the best!!!

    • redbluebird,
      It sounds like you have been through a lot..hugs. and yes, the constant stream of announcements only adds salt on the wounds.. I have a baby shower this weekend and have been having constant anxiety about going for the past two weeks.. wishing you the best as well.
      kss

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