Consequences

I should have known better, but I was overcome with desperation of my diminishing options… and took the damn Femara. I knew from previous experience that my body tends to produce cysts while taking the drug. I feel like my body is telling me: “I told you so!” But my desire to make a baby overcame the risks that I knew about and now I am dealing with the consequences. A few days ago at my cycle day three ultrasound, all my fears came true, it went like this:

There I was lying in that  position (on your back- legs spread wide- feet in cold holsters) staring at the ugly tiles on the exam room ceiling waiting for my RE to tell me my fate: “ Ok.. well your lining looks wonderful, nice and thin like we like it at this time of your cycle… right ovary looks great nothing there… ok moving over to the left side and Oh.   Hmmmm. (Doctor begins clearing throat -I know what’s coming and brace myself ) well the left Ovary is showing a 23 mm cyst….so….you know what that means”

Yes. I did know what that meant! Femara and my body do not like each other. In fact, my body once again is punishing me. This time with an even bigger cyst! Almost as if saying- you pushed me too far!

I felt defeated.

Upon hearing my Doctors words, I almost lost my cool right there in the exam room.. I swallowed hard to try to gain my composure, blinking back the burning tears that were swelling in my eyes, I tried to speak… but I couldn’t. I knew if I breathed just one word, I would completely lose it and start crying uncontrollably.

I quickly sat up and stared my Doctor square in the eyes. Awaiting his synopsis. I watched him gingerly take off his big blue latex gloves and sit back on his stool; arms crossed and unemotionally say something along the lines of… “well we need to wait for the cyst to dissolve before doing anything else, but maybe it’s time that  you start considering other options such as injectables or possibly moving to IVF.  For some reason you aren’t getting pregnant and you may need to move on to other treatment.”

All I could do was nod, no words were forming- my throat tightening to hold back the tears that were about to fall…..He then got up and left the room.

He mentioned IVF like he was offering me a glass of water and then – left.

Just like that.

As soon as the door shut behind him, I came undone. There I was sitting half-naked on the exam table, completely bawling my eyes out. I didn’t care if I was loud and others could hear me, the pain in my heart was so great that I lost all control of my emotions. Normally I would have waited until after my appointment. (The steering wheel is a wonderful place to rest your head while you are crying hysterically.)   But not today. I had a rough past few days and this appointment revealing yet another cyst was the tipping point of a crazy emotional breakdown.

I don’t know how I put myself together, in order to check out and walk out of that office, but I did. I immediately called my DH as I was walking out to my car, I told him I was done and that for the first time during all of this I told him that I actually felt like giving up.

My strong will to succeed suddenly felt broken, and for the first time I didn’t have a plan.

Thankfully, my DH being a “problem solving kind of guy” suggested, rather insisted, we seek out a second opinion. His case valid, It had been over a year and a half with our current Reproductive Endocrinologist and we still weren’t pregnant and without reason. Granted I only agreed to begin their treatment this past July. But after three IUI’s, two being medicated, we still are not pregnant nor have a valid reason of why we weren’t conceiving.

Our current diagnosis:  “unexplained infertility”

What does this mean?  What are we missing?

So within a few hours after my awful appointment-by way of referral of some really knowledgeable ladies from my Resolve support group I made an appointment for a second opinion at a new fertility clinic scheduled for December 5th. We are getting to the point in this journey that we will need to start making some tough decisions and we need to be as educated, and knowledgeable of our situation as possible.

I am beginning to see the silver lining of the consequence that I am dealing with, and realize that it has in fact prompted me to start asking more questions and in a way step away from all of this….maybe go back to the drawing board… remember a time that we did conceive naturally.. remember a time that I actually believed that I could conceive naturally…

And that my friends is how my cycle number twenty-seven has begun… a little rough the first few days… but now the tears have dried and the possibilities of what this cycle may bring are forming once again.

love,

kss

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “Consequences

  1. hang in there lady. We had ‘unexplained infertility’ as well, did 4 IUIs, and never got pregnant. I went to an RE/IVF doctor who was able to diagnose a problem (male factor) that had been somehow missed. It pointed us to our main option left was only IVF, which worked, luckily enough. It’s so hard to face the uncertainty and worse when you feel there are no options left. I do think there are options for you… it’s a long road to get through options one at a time, but I liked to think of it as a marathon, not a sprint… Before infertility- life was a sprint- see what you want and just GO for it. Infertility has taught me lessons for the rest of my life- work, family, friends… It’s a marathon. I’m not a good runner but I’m trying my hardest!

    • Denise- Thank you for the comment- and sharing your story. You are so right about life being a marathon now… and so much I am learning through “infertility” it is opening up my eyes and soul to so many more things.. all we can do is keep on keeping on…
      kss

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s