Another cycle passes and my nightmare continues. I wake up and rub my sleepy eyes until my mind begins to clear. I am happy from dream land for a moment, then reality hits me like a ton of bricks. I am not pregnant. Again. I wince in pain at the thought. Cycle number twenty-six is another failure on my books. My heart hurts, my throat feels tight, and no more tears fall because I don’t have any left.
I am now faced with starting a new cycle, where decisions will need to be made, timed intercourse to be had, doctors to visit, bloods to be drawn, friends to avoid, and yet another month of desperately missing my lo who left us so long ago. He or She would be 14 months old, walking by now surely, we would be buying them an adorable Halloween costume and taking them up to Apple Hill to pick pumpkins… but we’re not. And this reality hurts the most. I think I am realizing that my pain is not just about the failed cycles that crush my soul each month; it is the fact that each failed cycle is a reminder of our little one that is not here with us.
I am in the midst of reading the book; “Unsung Lullabies” and the authors talk about grieving and encourages you to grieve when you find out that your cycle has failed. But when is there time to grieve? During the waiting- when I give my everything to believing that we have succeeded? Or during the trying when I have to focus on all the details of ensuring we maximize our trying efforts? When?
I want to grieve but when?
At this point of my TTC journey I am beginning to feel scared of what’s to come. Fear is creeping in right in time for Halloween. Fear of the unknown is the worst kind and it’s officially here in my heart. For so long, I just kept telling myself that we would get pregnant, especially after our miscarriage, it’s what kept me from hitting rock bottom. Month after month, I keep telling myself this and when CD 1 starts again, without hesitation, my dh and I continue to saddle up and try again… but I am fearful that if we don’t get pregnant soon, we’ll have to make some big decisions that I don’t want to face..
How much longer of trying will be enough?
When is enough –enough?