Waiting to Test

Nine days past ovulation today.

Nine.

Gulp.

My destiny will be revealed in a few short days and I just can’t bear the thought of another negative HPT test. Or having to tell my DH, that this cycle didn’t’ work. Or facing my thirty-second birthday childless and pregnant -less…I am really trying hard to not go there in my mind, but I can’t help these thoughts- they are all right there tucked to the side of my mind -just lurking..

As each day past ovulation goes by, my anxiety about the outcome goes up. Am I feeling any different? The short answer is “No” I don’t think I will ever be one of those women who claims to just have “known” that they were pregnant during their 2ww. I mean honestly, both premenstrual symptoms and pregnancy symptoms are exactly alike so really it’s a 50/50 shot. And from personal experience, when I was pregnant – my 2ww was  just like my other 2 week waits. Honestly- no different.

On second thought, for the past few days I have been waking up earlier than usual …early like 5:00 am early. I usually just lay in bed for a little while… thinking about my day and praying. I make sure to place one hand on my heart and the other over my abdomen. Sending love and energy- this also calms me. I visualize a little bean snuggling in my womb for a long winters nap… I pray for their safe keeping and health. I pray that my body gives them exactly what they require to survive. I pray for my sanity if this cycle is a bust. I pray that I continue to trust in the Lord and for his strength to help me continue along this heart wrenching journey. Yes, praying in the early morning darkness brings peace and serenity, which I so desperately need during this time.

My birthday is in less than thirty-five days… My life for the past two and a half years have been lived in two-week increments. Waiting to try… waiting to test… waiting to try and waiting to test….and I am so ready for that to be over.

Ready to be nauseous with a growing belly and swollen feet,  ready to finally tell the world that “”we did it- that we conceived!”

Currently, I am trying to hold out until Saturday (12dpo) before I test… just four more days of this.

Four.

I can do this.

I got this.

lots of love,

kss

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6 thoughts on “Waiting to Test

  1. Hello. Just chanced upon your piece on my travels in Blogland. Why are you concentrating so hard on something that’s not in the control of us human beings? I mean biology. Perhaps it would be more productive to focus on something that one can achieve on one’s own and then let biology take its course?

    • If it were only that easy my friend.

      Do you have personal experience with infertility?
      If you read a little more of my blog, perhaps, you would develop a different perspective and gain better understanding of the subject. My words and thoughts are derived from firsthand experience while struggling deeply with unexplained infertility.

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