Stillness

September first two thousand twelve

 Today is one of those lazy Saturday mornings where you don’t feel like doing anything- I have been up since 5:30 am and now its 9:45 am and I still have not started my day.

 Today marks 8 dpo (days past ovulation) and I am now at that point of my cycle where I have reached the half way point of my luteal phase. The home stretch is officially here, my least favorite part of my cycle. You see, by this time, the implantation process has either begun or not, and I face the hard truth that we have done all that we can do and remind myself that our destiny has already been written.

 It is also the part of my cycle, where my high energy starts to disappear, my optimistic outlook on this cycle has turned the corner and I feel reflective and analytical. A week ago today, I was painting walls in my house and redecorating, today I can’t seem to leave the coziness of my couch. The dogs beg me for a walk, my kitchen floor needs cleaning and my summer garden to be tended, but here I am doing nothing.

Last night was the blue moon (we won’t see another until July 2015) DH and I took the dogs out for a late night stroll around the neighborhood so that we could soak in the moons beauty and light. The cool night air and distant smell of a wood burning fire reminding us that summer is coming to a close and also the reality that, yet,  another season is passing and I am still not pregnant.

Or am I?

 My heart skips a beat when I write that… “or am I?”

 

Its days like this, the reflective ones, when I feel like time has stopped, everything keeps moving, but my time is still.

The stillness will be here until there is a being growing inside me, this I know.  I am not sure of how to explain this still and quiet feeling that I have, and in a way I wish it were not this way. I wish I could snap my fingers and open my eyes and jump back in the movement of the world- but for now I accept the stillness, accept another season passing me by while TTC, another day of longing for a child to call my own, and thankfully, another day that brings me that much closer to my take home rainbow baby.

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