F is for Fail

So August 8th came and went, and as you can tell by my small hiatus of this blog, it took me a few days to put my thoughts together and wrap my mind around yet, another failed cycle. This time it was a little more disheartening. For as you know this last cycle included a new protocol of Femara & IUI. (Our first one) I suppose only a select few actually conceive from their first IUI, it does take usually 2-3 times, but I was really hoping I would be one of the lucky ones. Didn’t happen.

I did however, proudly, wait the full 14 dpo to actually take a HPT test. Unfortunately, there I was again staring at only one pink line in the wee hours of the morning. I actually was ok- and I don’t even think I cried until way later on in the day, when I walked in to my house, after being gone all day (helping my brother un pack my mom’s kitchen for the 2nd time this year- another blog in itself) and I saw my dh and I lost it…he just wrapped me up in his arms right there in our kitchen, and the tears started flowing. And flowing, until finally, I lost my breath and began doing the weird cry- breathe- thing, where you can’t even speak. I let it all out, I told him it would have been our angel baby’s birthday, I told him I felt like a failure, and I told him how sad I was. He just kept wrapping me up in his arms, showering me with kisses, and reminding me of all the things we do have, and that we still have each other, and that it’s OK. He really made me feel better, despite my hard day. Also, the Round Table pizza that I had picked up on the way home helped as well (Round Table is my most favorite comfort food in the whole wide world). As you know I had planned on drinking a whole bottle of wine to myself, but instead I indulged on my favorite pizza, and soaked up the love from  my husband and doggies.

The next day was better, even when AF actually showed up, I was ok. I called my Doctors office to let them know that I was on CD1 and to scheduled my routine ultrasound the following day. Unfortunately, the U/S brought bad news number two of the week, as I found out that I actually had a cyst that had formed on my right ovary- and a large one if that 16mm, which according to my doctor is too large to prescribe any more Femara for this cycle. I was told that I needed to make sure the cyst was much smaller or gone, before they would prescribe me anymore Femara. There I was again, in that awkward position with my legs spread apart, speaking to a doctor about my female parts and how they failed me, and taking in the bad news once again. As I was staring at the u/s screen watching her measure the stupid cyst, I had the biggest lump in my throat, and tears started forming, I immediately had a flashback of the same screen many many months ago, showing me my baby’s empty sac with the deafening news of “I’m sorry there is no longer a heart beat”.  Yes, I am beginning to loathe this position and that machine. Truly.

I feel like I am going to need some positive news soon, as my passion for conceiving is lessening more and more with each failed cycle, and I feel that I may be nearing my breaking point.

Also, to clarify – just how hard this past week has been for me, my sweet DH actually bought me flowers yesterday. This is the second time, yes even with my love for flowers, that he has done this in our seven years together. He actually told me they weren’t from him, but from our doggies and even wrote a note from them reading:

Dear Mom, We love U! Thanks for being the best Mom ever. L & L  

Of course I cried again.

Despite how hard this past week has been, honestly, in a crazy way, I am actually glad that the Femara caused a cyst. I feel as though my body is telling me something and I am hoping she is right. Something along the lines of: “you don’t need drugs, you will conceive without them.” This had actually been one of my personal prayers for a long time (that we would conceive a healthy baby naturally) that was until I reached the 2 year desperado mark and everything went out the window and I said:  give me anything and everything.  Was this selfish? Is there a lesson to learn here? I don’t know. But what I do know is that now we are on to cycle number *25* and this cycle’s protocol will be: el natural, Opk, bd when fertile, and IUI.

I am beginning to realize, that if we don’t conceive in the next few months, we will need to start making some very hard decisions such as – going on to injectable cycles (more serious drugs), potential adoption, or even (gulp) living a child free life. There’s that lump in my throat again. That last option is so hard to consider.

But, this is my reality.



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