The Big Leap

Today is cycle day three of my twenty fourth cycle of “officially” TTC our healthy take home baby.

I never in a million years thought I would reach the two year mark.  Two Years.

I remember when I thought five months of TTC was a long time. I remember the excitement of using a BBT thermometer and charting my cycles for the first time and thinking that the next month would be it. And then another cycle goes by and then another.  Naturally my perspective has changed since then.

So, the big leap is what I am calling our (my husband and I‘s) decision to move forward with both Femara and IUI. This plan had been recommended to us as a first step, by my RE last December of 2011. I remember that day so well, a crisp cool, sunny December day- the discussion went smoothly, and our RE went through the four options that were available to us.  With each new option revealed he would release a long finger from his clenched fist, just going down the line- starting with Clomid and the last option being the big daddy- IVF. Being that I was only 31 and had been pregnant (although resulting in a loss) before, he was optimistic that we just needed a little extra help for a viable pregnancy. He said the first step would be to try a few cycles with Clomid, but when I told him of the vision issues that Clomid had caused me, he said there was no way he would prescribe me Clomid and instead suggested Femara. The medication, Femara, is in a class of drug called aromatase inhibitors and has been mainly used, and originally created, to treat certain cases of breast cancer. The thought of taking a medication used to treat breast cancer for creating a baby both confused me and scared me.

I remember leaving the appointment full of disappointment, after waiting so many fearful months of not knowing what was wrong with me, and then to leave my Dr’s office with the official diagnosis of….drum roll please…. ‘unexplained infertility”, and a prescription for a drug that treated breast cancer, I just felt I was at a loss and wanted to crawl in a far away cave and never come out.  Medically speaking my husband and I were perfectly healthy and by our RE’s perspective should have no problem conceiving.  I decided not to fill my Femara prescription that day. I am not sure if it was because I was angry we didn’t have a solid answer of why we hadn’t conceived yet or disappointed with the first step solution or both. Walking out to our car, my super supportive husband turned to me and told me he would back me with whatever decision I made. I wasn’t ready to take meds, or anything else our RE had suggested, so I just decided that we would just keep trying naturally. Because at that exact moment standing in the hospital parking lot, and looking at my husband, I really had thought that we could conceive on our own and would shortly thereafter.  But we didn’t.

Fast forward seven cycles later. We made the leap.

I contacted my RE on cycle day one (two days ago). I told him I was ready for both Femara and IUI. Pleading with him now, I was ready for the help. You know how sometimes people say, admitting you have a problem is the first step to healing? That is how I felt by contacting my RE and saying we were ready for the next step. It was like I finally was admitting to myself that having our healthy baby wasn’t going to happen the way I had once thought. No friends, perfectly time intercourse for months and months on end does not always equal a baby and I finally am coming to terms with this.

So today I start taking my magic pill to help my body “super ovulate”

superovulation, or controlled ovarian hyperstimulation.

I am scared, excited, nervous, and hopeful all at once. My emotions are running high. There is excitement in the air- a new energy that has filled my household and I am even feeling a little frisky- and on cycle day three- this never happens!

Yes! It has been a long road thus far, and I know the road is yet even longer, but we made the leap and I am so very happy we did.


K Sirah Sirah


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