Really really wish my spirits were higher than they currently are right now. My usual bout of optimism, enthusiasm, and hope during the last leg of my cycle has vanished. Poof! Gone. And all because I tested early yesterday. Trust me, I did try and stop myself- I lay in bed and wrestled with the pros and cons of testing now or waiting it out, while my dear husband slept soundly beside me. Believe me; I had full disclosure of all the bad feelings that could come my way with a stark white negative pregnancy test. But the possibility of getting a positive test and celebrating all day long with my love won the battle and I decided to TEST! I leapt out of bed (actually I slid out of bed quietly and tip toed out of the room, not to wake my hubby). I grabbed my HPT -the new kind “wondfo” that I had never used before. After dipping the skinny flimsy stick into my FMU (first morning urine), I sat staring as the liquid ran across the stick, my heart beating loudly, my breath a bit shallow, and not moving an inch. The test line began turning into a bright pink thick line. I braced myself for a possible second line to form. I waited and waited and nothing. I then picked up the test stick and brought it to my home office (the sunniest and brightest room of the house at 5:30 in the morning) where I laid it down flat on my white desk. I glanced at my clock- three more minutes before I would learn my fate. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Finally after what seemed like an eternity, the space sitting to the left of the bright pink thick test line glared back at me depicting the whitest blankest space that I had ever seen. No evaporation line, no indent that makes you hold the test in a million different places to try and catch better lighting that would show a smidge of a line. NADA. Nothing. Gulp. Then the feelings of remorse for testing early come flooding in… then the feelings of failure, and defeat, and sorrow not to mention sadness. It is right then and there that I promise myself while holding yet another BFN test in my hands that I will never ever test early again. Just can’t handle the pain of seeing the stark white blank space of emptiness staring back at me.
Yes, yesterday was a hard day, but today my friends is a new day and although my spirits are still a bit down, I am feeling a wee bit better and I believe the no testing helped. I decided to enjoy one or two more days, with feelings of hope and faith, knowing that there still might actually be the mere possibility of seeing a second pink line this cycle.
“Faith is the confidence that we hope for will actually happen. It gives us assurance about things we cannot see” (Hebrews 1:11)
K Sirah Sirah