~January Blues~

Any day now will mark yet another anniversary that will be instilled in me forever…the two year anniversary of when our baby’s heart stopped beating inside my womb.

I would have never imagined in a million years that I would still be childless two years later and I sit, this drear morning,  blinking away hot tears while trying to will away the January blues.

The January blues, may be a new term for you, but for me they have always been a part of my life since I was a child…maybe its from the quietness after the excitement of the holidays or possibly just because nothing notable usually takes place in January… and most of the time I can escape into February unscathed by the blues that I speak of, but this year I feel them nudging at me, their cold nose at my back and feel them closing in… I try to shake them off as I stare at my half started, hand written New Years Resolution list that I had made a few days earlier. This list depicts amazing and inspiring health and fertility conscious goals (I will share with you in another post) and on the other hand I look up from my desk to my memoir board and my eyes rest on the tattered-edged(and now browning) ultrasound picture of the baby we lost two years ago this blueish month of January.

The baby who let us hear their heartbeat despite all odds of her measuring a week behind, as if to confirm her realness to her parents knowing that she would not survive to full term and knowing she would not come back to us for many years…. This picture pains me, yet wills me to keep moving forward on this journey.

Honestly, days like this I want to crawl back into my cozy bed and pull up the covers-closing out the world, cocooning myself until I conceive again…but of course I know this is not possible and plus- my mood changes daily.. and I know that tomorrow I will spring back into action taking life by the horns…

But today I will sulk a little, reminisce some, reread my journal entry from the very day we heard our baby’s strong heartbeat, replay the visual of my doctors baffled face and jumbled words when she first saw the heartbeat on the monitor, after just moments before telling me I would miscarry and that I would need to schedule a D/C.

These memories are bittersweet to think about, but they keep my faith alive and push me to fight the fight to become a mom-my life long dream…they help my faith in God to remain intact as I look to him for much-needed courage and inspiration on blue days like these.

I can almost hear her heartbeat now.. I close my eyes to drift away and hear the loud strong beating in my head- the beautiful vibration of life that we all share..and I know without a doubt and vow that some way- some how our miracle will be with us, either in my womb or in my arms, by next January two- thousand fourteen.

This just has to be so…

Please say that it will be so.

~kss